Mother's Day

Mother's Day is a very bittersweet holiday for me. On the one hand, I have my beautiful daughter to celebrate with. There's nothing better than knowing that there's a person in the world who loves you in spite of your faults. It had been a LONG time since I experienced unconditional love and now I have it!

But, on the other hand, it's a sad reminder that my own mother has been missing from my life (in the flesh, anyway) for 17 Mother's Days. Most everyone who knows me, at all, knows that my mother passed away on January 5, 1990, at the age of 32. I was only 10 years old at the time, so, unfortunately, I wasn't left with many vivid memories of her. It's very hard to fathom that I've spent over half my life without her. It's unfair...I've said it before and I'll say it for the rest of my natural life....it's totally unfair!!

I try not to be bitter about the holiday, for the sake of my daughter. I had no reason to celebrate before her. Granted, I always sent (and still send, actually) a card to my grandma, but it was more out of obligation than anything. I would have much rather stuck my head in some sand somewhere and ignored the Hallmark commercials and such, completely forgetting that it was a day when I was supposed to be shopping for cards and gifts for a mother that, thanks to circumstances beyond my control, I can't even remember.

What I DO remember, though, is a woman who would do whatever she could for her two girls. I remember the birthday parties and the matching outfits and the time she spent with me, practicing my routines for dance recitals and talent shows. I remember her patience, teaching me how to read and how to tie my shoes. And, sadly, I remember the day she left. My father came home after spending less than a week with her in the hospital. He showed up early on a Friday morning, as my sister and I were getting ready for school. He sat us down on the bed in my sister's room and said "Do you remember how your mom was sick this summer?" Well, of course we did. "Well, it came back and God didn't want her to be sick anymore, so He took her up to Heaven to be with him". It didn't make any sense in my 10 year old mind. Mothers didn't DIE!!! Mothers watched their babies grow up. Mothers taught their daughters how to cook and how to drive. Mothers helped their daughters get ready for their first dates and mothers helped them get ready for the prom. Mothers sat in the front row and cried when their "babies" graduated...and then repeated the process when they got married. Mothers morphed into GRANDmothers. That's what they did....they did NOT die!!

Yep....I hate Mother's Day....with a passion!! The ONLY reason I plan to get up in the morning is because I AM a mother and I am blessed to have a beautiful four year old in my world to remind me that life goes on.

Done!

Easter is finally over. I'm starting to really hate holidays. I just come up with expectations and then I'm disappointed and cranky. So my whole holiday is filled with expectation, disappointment, and crankiness! The expecting part would be fun if I EVER got what I expected, instead of a huge letdown....but, I don't, so it sucks! Hopefully this week will be okay, though. I don't know what leads me to believe that it will....maybe I'm just hoping here. My anniversary is this weekend and I'm TRYING not to expect that it will go like I've planned....but it's hard because I want it to SOOO badly!!

Boring Day

So far, nothing exciting. Greg went to play golf...or fish....or something, so I don't know if I should do the whole Easter dress shopping today or wait and force (more like guilt) him into going. I know he doesn't WANT to go, but I want someone to go and give me an opinion on her dress. I found a really cute one at Stage the other day, but I wasn't sure if it would make a cute Easter dress or not, and, of course, it was just me and her, so I couldn't really get anyone else's opinion. I want her to have the "perfect" dress, so I need a little assistance. Maybe we'll go LOOK and if I see anything that strikes me, I can either get it, if I'm sure, or bring him back to look if I have doubts about it. Either way, I have to accomplish SOMETHING today!

St. Paddy's Day

I don't even think I OWN any green clothes, other than my camoflage pants, so I guess I'll have to wear those. I just wore them yesterday, but I wasn't thinking about St. Paddy's Day, so I'll have to wear them again and hope I don't see any of the same people.

Greg still isn't home. Not coming until tomorrow, looks like. They're going somewhere to eat and to see the movie 300 today. It'll be alright. That'll just give me more time to get the house cleaned up before he gets home. He hates a mess.

I have to go back to Wal-Mart and return some stuff I bought yesterday. I brought it home and it just isn't going to work for what I wanted. I need a new way to file my cross stitch patterns and such, but that box isn't going to do. It's not big enough for the folders. I'll have to think of something else.

Meltdown....

Meltdown....
Current mood: blah
Category: Life


I hate holidays. I shouldn't feel that way. I have a daughter....that should make my holidays great, and it does, to a point. I feel like I have a reason to put up a tree and a reason to shop for toys and a reason to bake cookies, etc. I guess I'm just feeling a little melancholy because I put up my tree today. I put my father's favorite airplane ornament on and some of the little ballerinas and soldiers that my mother made and it just made me miss them more than I do on a regular day. I've said this before and I'll say it a million more times before I die....it is NOT fair that I can't spend Christmas with my mom and dad! Believe it or not, I try NOT to dwell on that...I really do, but it just makes me sad to think that my parents hung those ornaments on THEIR tree every year and now the only thing left are the ornaments and the memories. And, one day, that's all that will be left of me.

However, aside from that, I got my tree up. I got it decorated. I got the stockings hung and I got the Christmas countdown thingys put up. Now, tomorrow, I will work on wreaths and candles and crap. I'm just tired now and sick of doing Christmas junk!!

The Stockings Will Be Stuffed

I went shopping tonight and began my "stocking stuffers". I'm still not QUITE finished, but I made a great start! I want this Christmas to be great for my little girl, because her birthday wasn't so fabulous. Next year, mark my words, will be the BEST birthday and Christmas of, what will be, her five years...because Mommy is going to start early and have all kinda of things bought for her before this time! I say that every year, but I'm really going to commit myself to it! My Christmases as a child were wonderful and I want my daughter to experience the same thing. I don't think it's too much to strive for.