I have such a crappy attitude....I know this. I've just been violated by life so many times that I no longer have the will to maintain a sunny outlook. A good attitude had never gotten me anything but disappointment. Every time I allow myself to look forward to and get excited about something, it's casually ripped away, as if my feelings are insignificant...and they probably are. So, in 2013, I will not let my guard down. I will not fall victim again to the heartache of being robbed of happiness. From now on, if it isn't tangible or definite, I won't be dumb enough to believe in it. I can't risk my spirit anymore....I might need it one day.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
If there is a God in Heaven, He is sure as hell bound and determined to stay hidden from me. I've gone through my entire life, all the loves and losses that define who I am, thinking all the while that it was part of some "master plan"...that I was somehow destined for wonderful things. Now, at age 33, I am no closer to counting for anything than I was when I was 10....possibly less now, actually, because at least when I was 10 I had potential. Meanwhile, I've prayed and prayed and prayed for God to make my life okay....not perfect....just okay...like everybody else's...and I can't even get that. So either God is some huge joke someone made up to prove that humans are gullible, or He does exist and just doesn't give a damn about me...I'm honestly not sure which truth I prefer...
Friday, December 14, 2012
So today, in a Connecticut town, 20 children woke up this morning, got dressed and went to school. Their parents sent them off, confident that they'd have a great Friday and would see them when school got out. At some point, a nutjob with a gun changed that plan. He walked in to an elementary school, shot, and killed 20 children of various ages and 6 adults. The children who survived will have to live with the horror of seeing their peers gunned down for no reason. I am left to wonder, what can we do? People have turned this onto a political issue, some calling for tighter gun control and some defending the 2nd amendment rights they hold dear. I honestly don't know what side I'm on, and it doesn't matter. Tonight, I'm focusing my prayers on the families of the children who likely have gifts under the Christmas trees at their homes that will go unopened. I will pray for the surviving children who will likely have their dreams interrupted by vicious nightmares that their heartbroken parents can't make go away. I will pray that, one day, we will be able to send our kids to school without having to fear that they'll never come home. My hearts go out to all the people affected by this senseless tragedy.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
It's really not the numbers that bother me so much. I just know that at some point, the numbers I have behind will be greater than the average of numbers I could possibly have left. I can only imagine how depressing that is. And, then there's all the awesome things that happened when my "numbers" were lower that I can never go back and relive. I feel like I've wasted a lot of my time on this planet and, holy crap, I just found the root of my problem!! So, backing up, I don't think I'd be so antsy about my upcoming birthday if I felt like I had accomplished ANYTHING with the number of years I've had so far....hmmmm...I suppose only I can do anything about that...now I'm rambling....
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Thirteen Things That Terrify Me
1. Getting old--mostly the health problems that go along with it. And I worry that clinical depression will set in once I realize that, logically speaking, I have more years behind than I have ahead.
2. NOT getting old--I contradict myself again, because, while I fear getting old, the idea of dying young is even more frightening! I have a lot to live for and it would be a shame to have that taken! :)
3. Vomit--as inane as I realize this fear is, it's very valid (there's even a word for it...emetophobia, in case you wondered). It can actually be a crippling fear and it once caused me to live on Cheez-Its, oatmeal and water for 5 years!
4. Giant cockroaches--I live in the south where these giant aggravations thrive....ugh!! I can't even think about it anymore!!
5. Mice/rats--'nuff said, in my opinion!
6. Big dogs--particularly ones that are barking, growling and snapping at me knowing they could swallow me whole!
7. Deep water--If I can't comfortably stand up in it, it's too damn deep for me!!
8. Snakes--and why not??
9. Spiders--I've gotten better about this one but those are some creepy looking little bastards!!
10. Wasps/Bees--getting stung HURTS!!!
11. Heights--This includes, but is not limited to, driving over bridges and flying, although I'm sure any fear of flying would be better described as a fear of crashing...
12. The dark--more specifically. what might be in the room with me that I can't see.
13. Things I Can't Control--I wouldn't necessarily call myself a control freak, but there is a certain comfort I take in holding my own reigns....