"Happy" New Year

I have such a crappy attitude....I know this.  I've just been violated by life so many times that I no longer have the will to maintain a sunny outlook.  A good attitude had never gotten me anything but disappointment.  Every time I allow myself to look forward to and get excited about something, it's casually ripped away, as if my feelings are insignificant...and they probably are.   So, in 2013, I will not let my guard down.  I will not fall victim again to the heartache of being robbed of happiness.  From now on, if it isn't tangible or definite, I won't be dumb enough to believe in it.  I can't risk my spirit anymore....I might need it one day.

Questioning It All

If there is a God in Heaven, He is sure as hell bound and determined to stay hidden from me.  I've gone through my entire life, all the loves and losses that define who I am, thinking all the while that it was part of some "master plan"...that I was somehow destined for wonderful things.  Now, at age 33, I am no closer to counting for anything than I was when I was 10....possibly less now, actually, because at least when I was 10 I had potential.  Meanwhile, I've prayed and prayed and prayed for God to make my life okay....not perfect....just okay...like everybody else's...and I can't even get that.  So either God is some huge joke someone made up to prove that humans are gullible, or He does exist and just doesn't give a damn about me...I'm honestly not sure which truth I prefer...

In Shock

So today, in a Connecticut town, 20 children woke up this morning, got dressed and went to school.  Their parents sent them off, confident that they'd have a great Friday and would see them when school got out.  At some point, a nutjob with a gun changed that plan.  He walked in to an elementary school, shot, and killed 20 children of various ages and 6 adults.  The children who survived will have to live with the horror of seeing their peers gunned down for no reason.  I am left to wonder, what can we do? People have turned this onto a political issue, some calling for tighter gun control and some defending the 2nd amendment rights they hold dear.  I honestly don't know what side I'm on, and it doesn't matter.  Tonight, I'm focusing my prayers on the families of the children who likely have gifts under the Christmas trees at their homes that will go unopened.  I will pray for the surviving children who will likely have their dreams interrupted by vicious nightmares that their heartbroken parents can't make go away. I will pray that, one day, we will be able to send our kids to school without having to fear that they'll never come home.  My hearts go out to all the people affected by this senseless tragedy.

Happy Mothers Day

Ordinarily I'm all about dissing Mothers Day.  It isn't because I'm ungrateful for the mother that I have or the child who made me a mother....I'm just eternally bitter because, on this day when everyone celebrates the woman who gave them life, I can't thank my own.  Most people are well aware that I lost my mother on January 5, 1990, when I was only 10 and she was just 32.  Cancer is an evil b****!  It angers me that the God who loves me would rob me of the one person who was my biggest fan.  On the other hand, 12 years later, He gave me the very reason I exist in the form of Alyssa Frances.  The joy that I felt, and continue to feel, because of her is often dampened by the fact that I can't share my experiences and maternal breakthroughs with the woman who felt the same way about me.  I would give anything to be able to thank my mom for loving me unconditionally...for being there for my dance recitals and school parties...for throwing THE best birthday parties that the 80s ever saw....for taking care of me when I was sick...for helping me with my homework...for giving me the foundation to become the kind of mother I am today.  Am I a perfect mom?  No, absolutely not.  And, I'm sure she didn't feel she was either.  But I think she was.  I think she did the best she knew how to do and then some and that's all I could ask for.  I don't know what my feelings are regarding Heaven and the afterlife, but I'd like to believe that, one day, I'll be able to look her in the eyes and let her know that it took having one of my own, but I FINALLY understand! 

Heaven Help Me

Why do days go by so much faster the older we get?  I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that, the older you get, the worse you feel and the more often you pray for the sweet release of death??  Or maybe you don't WANT to die, so the swiftness in which the years pass are just a cruel joke being played by the "powers that be"?  Either way, my dang birthday is coming up and I am not overly enthused about it!  I have very little appreciation for increasing numbers, unless they're in my bank account!  Sadly, that's the one that doesn't seem to be creeping up at an exponential rate!  My age, yes....the scale, yes...the number of gray hairs on my head, yes....ugh!!  I'm usually torn because, anyone who knows me or pretends to pay attention, knows that my biggest two fears are getting old and NOT getting old.  My own mother died at 32, leaving two young daughters behind.  The last thing I want to do is leave my daughter before she's old enough to fend for herself. 

It's really not the numbers that bother me so much.  I just know that at some point, the numbers I have behind will be greater than the average of numbers I could possibly have left.  I can only imagine how depressing that is.  And, then there's all the awesome things that happened when my "numbers" were lower that I can never go back and relive.  I feel like I've wasted a lot of my time on this planet and, holy crap, I just found the root of my problem!!  So, backing up, I don't think I'd be so antsy about my upcoming birthday if I felt like I had accomplished ANYTHING with the number of years I've had so far....hmmmm...I suppose only I can do anything about that...now I'm rambling....

Thursday Thirteen

I realize that Thursday is almost over, but I wanted to get this in. Tonight I'm gonna share a little info into my mind by making a list of...

Thirteen Things That Terrify Me

1. Getting old--mostly the health problems that go along with it. And I worry that clinical depression will set in once I realize that, logically speaking, I have more years behind than I have ahead.

2. NOT getting old--I contradict myself again, because, while I fear getting old, the idea of dying young is even more frightening! I have a lot to live for and it would be a shame to have that taken! :)

3. Vomit--as inane as I realize this fear is, it's very valid (there's even a word for it...emetophobia, in case you wondered). It can actually be a crippling fear and it once caused me to live on Cheez-Its, oatmeal and water for 5 years!

4. Giant cockroaches--I live in the south where these giant aggravations thrive....ugh!! I can't even think about it anymore!!

5. Mice/rats--'nuff said, in my opinion!

6. Big dogs--particularly ones that are barking, growling and snapping at me knowing they could swallow me whole!

7. Deep water--If I can't comfortably stand up in it, it's too damn deep for me!!

8. Snakes--and why not??

9. Spiders--I've gotten better about this one but those are some creepy looking little bastards!!

10. Wasps/Bees--getting stung HURTS!!!

11. Heights--This includes, but is not limited to, driving over bridges and flying, although I'm sure any fear of flying would be better described as a fear of crashing...

12. The dark--more specifically. what might be in the room with me that I can't see.

13. Things I Can't Control--I wouldn't necessarily call myself a control freak, but there is a certain comfort I take in holding my own reigns....

Who said I couldn't get back?? I have been out of the loop for so long that I, myself, wasn't sure I'd get back....but, here I am.....suckers!!! Stay tuned!!