ss_blog_claim=cd46ef178142ba5c793d6628c487d5ef The Stuff I Think: 2009

Saturday, December 05, 2009

Grievances

I have a lot of things I want to say. I'm working on the "mother of all blog posts" as I type. I have a ton of things running through my head and I'm trying to figure out how to get them out in a way that makes sense and gets my point across. I'm tired of people feeling like they've gotten by with treating me like crap, like I'm too stupid to see through them (I assure you, I'm not). They WILL all know how I feel about their hypocrisy! My new years resolution (if I must have one) is to no longer let ANYONE take advantage of me or get by with lying to me. I'm sick of it all!!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

AMA Backlash

I missed the first 25 minutes of Sunday's AMA show,but I sat, glued to the remaining 2 1/2 hours or so and I must say that I was....amazed? First of all, how great is it that Michael Jackson won FOUR out of the five awards he was up for (and really, in my opinion, was robbed for Artist of the Year, because Taylor Swift isn't THAT great)??

Aside from that, the big news was Adam Lambert's performance. My mouth flew open when I saw him make out with the dude (yes, the DUDE) on stage and then shove another person's face in his crotch and flip off the audience and whatever else. I really like Adam...I do...and, luckily, I'm not one of those folks who are easily offended by such. People are ranting about how he has fans who are children and things of that nature, but Adam's performance came on at nearly 10:00 MY time (11pm in NYC) and MY child was in the bed!! He was asked in an interview following the performance if he felt the need to apologize to these children and parents for his actions and he said (and I tend to agree) that he's "not a babysitter", but a performer. Everyone knows that when you get celebrities in a group on live television ANYTHING can happen (and something usually does), so a SMART parent would have, at the very least, TiVo'd the performance and watched it first to decide if it was appropriate for their kids. Even people who don't have TiVo or DVR should know that these performances are available on YouTube and other internet video outlets. And, if you don't have access to THAT, then please join us in the 21st century!! I'm just saying that, while I don't think that what Adam did was necessarily a GOOD thing, for parents to blame him for what their child sees on TV is just neglectful. If my daughter had seen Adam's sex-charged performance, I would have no one to blame but myself for having my daughter up so late, watching a show that never claimed to be geared for kids!

Having said that, I am SO over Taylor Swift!! That look of mock surprise every time she won an award was nauseating. She's won enough awards in the past few months to where none of US are surprised....so why should we believe that she is???? I was totally on her side during the whole "Kanye" thing and I certainly like her better than I like Miley Cyrus (speaking of bad role models for children), but she's beginning to wear on my nerves in a serious way! I mean, please....she's alright and she's certainly cute, but she's really nowhere near as talented as a singer as someone like, say, Reba McEntire, who Taylor beat out for an award Sunday night.

Wednesday, November 04, 2009

What the Hell Wednesday

I'm trying to find new ways to spend my blogging time. It's come to my attention (mostly just by me) that I'm not exactly the most entertaining of folks...so here goes....

1.If you won the lottery lets say 200 million dollars what would be the first thing you would do? You mean AFTER I call everyone who ever treated me like less than a human being and shout "F**K YOU!!!" as soon as they answer??? Well, after that, I'd buy a house!

2. Do you think your a lucky person? why? I am one of the most UNlucky people I know...I'm a 30 year old orphan, for crying out loud, among other reasons I won't get into.

3. Do you have any lucky charms? I really don't....I'm dull like that...

4. Have you ever knocked on wood in hopes whatever you said doesn’t get jinks? Yeah...of course, I didn't actually BELIEVE it would change anything...

5. If you could have just one thing..anything besides riches (money/gold) what would your wish for? I be happy...I would like to be satisfied with myself, doing something I love to do

6. Do you listen to your gut instincts or try to ignore them and wish you did? I've gone both ways...My gut instincts aren't that strong, though, so I usually just have to go with the flow

7. Are you a glass half full or more of a glass half empty type person? I am an "who the heck stole my damn glass" kind of person...that would be more my luck!

8. Do feel like you are fortunate in life or waiting for your turn? why? I think I was very fortunate at one time, but I wasn't appreciative enough...so, here I am!

9. What is an attainable dream that you want to accomplish before you die? I'd like to finish college

10. If the world was going to end on friday…what would you do before it ended? Pretty much whatever I wanted to do...

11. Do you believe rabbits foots are bring good luck? If I did, I'd have a million of them!!

12. Do you believe blondes have all the luck? Not necessarily

13. If you could come up with an invention and make millions of dollars what would it be? I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you....

Friday, July 03, 2009

"Do You Believe In Fairies?"

"All children, except one, grow up".

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Everyone knows who Peter Pan is. He's the magical boy who never grows up, never ages, believes in fairies and can't understand why anyone wouldn't. Peter Pan is a part of everyone's childhood. We all remember him flying around with his friends, Wendy, John, and Michael and taking them to his fantasy land where they'd also be children forever. In the end, the three children make the "natural" choice to go back and live their lives and grow up as children are supposed to do. Of course, we all know that EVERYONE ages...that's just a part of it...but, do we HAVE to grow up?? Do we have to let go of our childhood dreams? Do we have to give up on impish fun and trade it in for the stresses of adulthood?

"When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies."
Peter Pan

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Michael Jackson didn't think so. He lived his life in such a way as to draw media scrutiny from the grown ups who couldn't "get it". Were these media bloodsuckers so "grown up" that they were afraid to release their inner child? Or had they forgotten HOW to be child-like, making them so jealous of Michael's innocence that they had to terrorize him at every turn? Whatever it was, Michael Jackson was the target of so much hate and so many jokes in his all-too-brief life. But it was because he wasn't afraid. He wasn't afraid to admit that he was afraid. He wasn't afraid to cry when he hurt. He wasn't afraid to have a good time doing things that children do. He, like Peter Pan, created his own "Neverland" where he could make all his childhood dreams come true. Go to YouTube and watch his private home movies. Watch as he has water gun and water balloon fights and hunts Easter eggs with the children. Listen as he laughs as he's being pushed into the pool repeatedly or having raw eggs cracked on his head. Watch him climb trees and have pie fights after "short film" shoots. Then, look into his eyes and see the happiness and satisfaction written all over his face. How many adults can say that they have that much joy in their hearts? I know I can't!

"Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories."
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Yet, the media took this joy and viewed it under a microscope, inventing ideas that weren't there and twisting his fantasies in such a way that he eventually never returned to live at the Neverland he loved. Why must we adults do this? Why do we allow ourselves to grow up too fast and then expect our kids to do the same? How many times have I stopped my daughter from playing because it's "too loud" or "too messy" or because she's "too big for that"? How many times have I watched her play alone because I was "too busy" or "too old" to play with her? I could have (and will) take a lesson from Michael. You're NEVER too young to play and laugh.

Michael Jackson, from what I can tell, took his pleasure from helping others. This is evident by the THOUSANDS of sick, orphaned, and underprivileged children who entered Neverland during the time he was there. It's evident by the more than $300 million he gave to various charities. It's also proven by the story of the little four year old boy for whom Michael found a liver and paid for a transplant. Believe the rumors if you will, but very few celebrities of Michael's status can say that they've given not only money, but time. His caring contributions can't be denied, not even by the most vicious haters.

"Every time a child says, 'I don't believe in fairies,' there is a fairy somewhere that falls down dead."
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Did he have his faults? Sure. We all do. Did he do things that might have made him seem "eccentric" or "peculiar"? Certainly. But, I will never be able to view him as a criminal, because I believe in my heart that everything he did was with the naivety of a child. He originally had, and eventually lost, a great trust in people, just like children do. The media forced him to "grow up" and realize that all people were not good and that everyone wasn't out to love him.

"To die will be an awfully big adventure."
Peter Pan


Michael Jackson, the eternal child, began his "big adventure" on June 25, 2009, at the age of 50. With his departure, we've lost not only one of the greatest talents the music business has ever known, but we've lost a huge part of our own childhoods (if you're old enough, anyway). With him, he also took the voice of the children. I've been crying real tears for days, not so much for Michael, as I'd never met him, but for the world, who will never again see that kind of child-like innocence that he possessed. As someone who lost her own "voice" in 1995, with the death of my father, my heart goes out, not only to Michael's own children, but to all the children he could have helped, if he'd only been allowed more time.

"Second to the right, and straight on till morning."
That, Peter had told Wendy, was the way to the Neverland


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Thursday, June 18, 2009

Collections

I've gotten to a point where I HATE laundry day. Previously, I didn't mind so much the washing or the drying and I could event tolerate the folding and putting away. But, since my daughter has come up with various things to "collect", laundry day has gotten to be a hassle.

Assuming that I remember to check her pockets, I'm subject to turning up anything from grass and rocks to change to whatever else the average 6 year old can stick in her pockets! Rocks seem to be her favorite and now there's one lodged in my agitator...and that agitates ME! Tiger Woods has fewer golf trophies than I have rocks in my house!

I don't want to put a damper on the little things my daughter enjoys, but how much more of this am I supposed to take??? I'm stepping on rocks, vacuuming up rocks, washing rocks in my washer, fishing them out of cats' water bowls and the toilet...I could build a new driveway just from the rocks in my shot glasses...it's ridiculous!! I love my baby girl, but we've got to stop with the rocks, already!!

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Thursday Thirteen

Yep...it's Thursday again...yay!! I've had a pretty crappy couple of days (months, even?), so I decided to do something on a slightly positive note. So, today's "Thirteen" will be....drum roll, please....

THIRTEEN OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES:

1. "A memory can be a paradise from which we cannot be driven. It can also be a hell from which we cannot escape."--John Lancaster Spaulding

2. "Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be."-- David Bly

3. "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."-- Walter Winchell

4. "Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."--Jonathan Swift

5. "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken."--Oscar Wilde

6. "A true friend is someone who will know your name in heaven"--Patricia Pasquariello

7. "Turn your wounds into wisdom."--Oprah Winfrey

8. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."--Plato

9. "Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment."--Fred Brooks

10. "Life's blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed at the fire of enthusiasm."--Norman Vincent Peale

11. "You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die."--E.B. White in "Charlotte's Web"

12. "Explore. Dream. Discover."--Mark Twain

13. "Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."--Anne Frank

I have so many more, it's not even comical! Maybe this theme will have to repeat at some point.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Thursday Thirteen

Okay, so I realize that it's technically Friday, but I got sidetracked. Better late than never...

So, last Friday, I got a new purse. I ordered it from Handbag Heaven and I LOVE it!! So, in light of that, I decided that this week's "Thursday Thirteen" would be:

13 Things You'd Find In My Purse:

1. my wallet--this will contain everything from my driver's license to gift cards with tiny balances left that I just can't seem to get rid of.

2. sunglasses--I have some of those really HUGE ones that are popular nowadays. I love them!!

3. keychain--this isn't the keychain that has my car keys on it...I usually keep that one in my pocket so I don't have to dig. This one strictly has my little "loyalty cards" that I use at the grocery store or where ever.

4. a pen--okay, so technically my pen isn't in there right this second, because I just took it out to use it, so it's sitting beside me. But, any other time, it'd be in there!

5. phone number list--I lost my address book, so I have phone numbers written down on a piece of paper until I find a replacement address book. I'm very picky about my address books, so it could take awhile to find the right one.

6. my makeup bag--this new purse is big enough that I can stick the whole damn Mary Kay clear plastic bag in there. No more picking and choosing which products I "might" need!!

7. some of those Crystal Light individual drink packets--you never know when you might be craving something like that and you can just stop by the store, get a 20oz bottle of water and voila! Crystal Light!! :)

8. cough drops--kinda goes without saying why a person might keep those, huh?

9. loose change--this SHOULD probably be in my wallet, but it's not, so it counts separately!

10. hand sanitizer--I don't go ANYWHERE without this stuff!! I hate germs!!

11. moist towelette--for those instances when my child needs her hands washed in an inconvenient place.

12. Ibuprofen--again, I have a kid....can't have enough headache medicine handy!!

13. silica gel pack--like I said, it's a new purse and I just found this while I was digging around for 13 things...so it counts!! :)

There you have it! I've said before that you can tell a lot about a person by what's in his pockets...well, purses count, too!! :)

Monday, May 25, 2009

I Got Tagged.....THANKS!! :)

If I looked on the bed next to you, what would I find?
--I'm not in the bed....but if you looked at it, you'd see my husband asleep and my daughter watching a movie

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
--closed, if you must know

Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in?
--they're folded, but then they got thrown in, so you can't tell

Sleep on your back or stomach?
--I'm pretty back and forth

Are you a cuddler?
--not really, but I have my moments

What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
--pictures...shoes....no telling what else...

Something that happened today that made you angry?
--nothing, really....same old, same old.....

What were you doing before this survey?
--just killing time

What will you do after the survey?
--cook, I guess

Marriage or living together?
--I don't really have an opinion on that

What shirt are you wearing now?
--an LSU tshirt

Do you sing?
--upon occasion

Do you de-label your beer bottles?
--this really doesn't apply to me

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
--depends on who I'm talking to

Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
--oh yeah!!

First thing you do when you wake up?
--look at the clock

Ever had surgery?
--nope

Last argument you got into with?
--Alyssa, I'm sure

Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
--no

What's one good thing about your best friend?
--I "own" her until she's 18!

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
--awhile, usually

Current song on myspace?
--I have several

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
--no...I intentionally put it across the room so I'd have no choice but to get up

If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
--um....I guess....

What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
--nothing, really...I'm still hoping I have something TO look forward to

It's midnight. Who are you texting?
--no one

It's Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually?
--same place I am any other day

Your Christmas list consists of?
--really? We're already talking about Christmas???

You're going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first?
--why would I go to New York for school shopping???

You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
--hmmm...I really don't know...

How do you feel about your hair?
--it needs to be cut again

What movie is in your DVD player?
--I'm pretty sure there isn't one

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
--anywhere!!

How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
--to a point, sure

What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
um.....

How many TRUE best friends do you have?
--not many

What would you change about your life right now?
--OMG!! You have NO idea!!!

What’s the best feeling in the world?
--don't know...haven't had it yet! ;)

Insomnia.....

It seems I do my best thinking at night...LATE at night. I'm not sure why that is, unless it's because that's when my daughter is asleep and there are fewer distractions. I tend to get lost in my thoughts a lot more when it's quiet...good news is, that makes me no different from anyone else! A person might ask me what it is that I think about when I'm basically alone in the wee hours of the morning and the answer is, anything goes. As some people might have noticed from a few posts ago, sometimes I'm having one of my seemingly regular "meltdowns" at 1am...and sometimes, like tonight, I'm really just "chilaxin'", jamming to my ever-changing playlist and enjoying myself. I don't know if the depression is letting up for any particular reason...certainly wouldn't be because anything in my life is looking up...but for some reason, I feel okay, for the first time in a long time. Now, this is likely to change at any point this week, because sooner or later, everyone will learn what a huge mess I've made of my life...but until then, I'm good. My friends know me as someone who doesn't tell a lot of blatant lies, but here lately, very few know the entire truth! This doesn't mean that you should ASK me, because I likely won't tell--it's not really my secret to tell.

All I know is, I'm SO tired of crying about it. I'm, by nature, not a crier. I think I got all my crying out at an early age and, up until recently, was almost immune to emotion. I suppose it could be good that I'm able to "feel" more, but mostly it sucks. Because I so very seldom get to feel happiness...true happiness. All I really get to feel is disgust and regret. I don't look in the mirror and see someone to be proud of. I see the person my grandparents have long said I was...a loser who my parents would be ashamed of. Now, deep down somewhere, I might venture to believe that it's not true, but how am I supposed to feel different when the very people who tell me they love me every time we get off the phone are the ones saying it?? I mean, what's true? Do they love me or am I a loser?? Can it even be both?? What would it be saying about them if they professed to "love a loser"? Sure, there are things could have done differently, but I'll eventually get it all figured out, right? I just need to surround myself with people and things that make me feel useful and worth the oxygen I require. There are few people in the world that I completely trust and that list gets smaller with every passing day. I have friends who haven't been there for me when I've needed them and friends who have. I have friends who make me feel better and those who basically ignore me.

I miss me. I miss the girl who could just take off and go to the mall and come back with some material possession to fill whatever void that was causing her pain on that particular day. I miss the girl who would crank up the iPod and dance ridiculously around the house and giving her daughter impromptu "concerts" into a hairbrush. I miss the girl who would, on a whim, get in the kitchen and bake a cake to decorate for whatever holiday was coming up. I know I haven't been myself in probably 6 months (at least) and I'm ready to find me again. I'm just not sure when that can happen. I don't know if praying can help me now, but I'm willing to try anything at this point, before I lose my mind!!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My Daughter

Her full name is: Alyssa Frances Williamson

Her birthday is: October 3, 2002

Her astrological sign is: Libra, I believe

She was born in: Flowood, MS

I pushed for: roughly 40 minutes

Labor with my daughter lasted: about 4 hours

She weighed: 8lbs. 9 oz.

Her hair was: light

She looks more like: my sister...

Her eye color is: light blue

Her room is decorated in: it's kinda "there"

Her favorite toy is: she's currently in a doll phase

Her favorite snack/food is: anything...she's not picky

Her favorite show to watch is: hmmm...anything on Disney, really

She sleeps: all over the dang bed!!!

Her mommy's name is: Rebecca

Her daddy's name is: Greg

Who visited you in the hospital? all my friends

Did you have a baby shower? two, actually

Was she a planned pregnancy? HA! No!

Does she have any siblings? she has a half-brother

Do you plan to give her more siblings? no plans at the moment

Is she a mommy's girl or daddy's girl? hard to tell

Did you breast feed? I did

Milestones

What was her 1st word? "Mama"
When did she 1st roll over? I don't remember...5 months, maybe?
When did she 1st sit up? August 12, 2003 at exactly 11:02am...are you kidding?? I don't remember!!
When did she start walking? Thanksgiving day, 2003...that one I DO remember!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Headed For A Break-Down

It's currently 1:00am here in the "middle of nowhere, Louisiana" and I'm still basically wide awake. Now, don't misunderstand. I'm not alert and awake. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I'd LOVE to go to sleep right now. But, as soon as my head hits the pillow, my eyes pop open. I know this, because I've already tried it. Sitting up at the computer, I'm doing good to keep them open, but that will change as soon as I lie down. I know that it's because I have so much crap going on in my head and I can't seem to sort it all out. My pastor would say that this would be the best time to talk to God, but I can't even concentrate long enough to do that! My mind zooms around ninety-to-nothing pretty much all day long and I can't make it stop racing long enough to enjoy the world around me. I need some meditation. I need to stop and sit down and really put my life into perspective. I feel better when I'm able to do that.

I want to be a better person. I want to tune in more to the people around me and less to myself. I want to be able to take care of my daughter the way she deserves. I just want a touch of "normalcy" going on. I know what I want. I have a very clear image of who I am and who I want to become. I just haven't yet figured out the steps it'll take to get there. I pretty much know that it'll take some "divine intervention" to make it all happen and I pray that that'll happen, but I just don't know anymore. I've prayed, I've begged, I've cried (literally and figuratively)...I'm not sure what else I can do or how much more sincere I can possibly be. I don't know if I've committed some unforgivable sin and that's why I feel so ignored or what...I just know that it's taking all the strength in me to even care anymore. Pretty soon, that'll give out, too, and what happens then? Does my daughter become a carbon copy of myself--left behind by her parents, through no fault of their own, to grow into a bitter, negative, lonely woman who is more like a child than an adult, crying out for love and acceptance that she somehow missed through not having parents? The very LAST thing I want for my daughter is for her to ever have to feel like I do--like she's been abandoned by the people who were supposed to take care of her until she was at least old enough to take care of herself. Every parent knows the love they have for their child or children. What happens to that child when she loses that unconditional love? Well, I'll tell you what happens. She becomes angry at the world. She's angry at God for taking the truest form of love she'll ever be privileged to have. There's not a soul in this world who loves a person the way their parents do. Not grandparents, not siblings, not aunts or uncles...no one! Even my daughter loves me NOW, but that love will change. Not that she'll love me any less when she gets older, but it'll be different. Right now, I'm ALL she has. Sooner or later, her love will be divided between me and some boy who isn't good enough for her. Then, it will be divided further when she has children of her own. She'll always love me, I'm sure, but not in the same, unchanging way that my parents would have and certainly not in the way that I'll always love her. A parent's love never changes. The kids are "it". There's nothing else to divide our love with after that. What they have is what they have, period. At least that's how I look at it. Not that I'd know, because I'll never get to be the object of love like that. I was, at one time, but it was so long ago that I can no longer remember it. I only get to imagine the way my mother felt about me. I don't want my daughter to wind up like me. I don't want her to know loss like I have. I don't want her to have to wonder what kind of grandparents her parents would have made. I don't want her to be reduced to simply "feeling their presence" as she gets ready for prom, or at her high school graduation, or at her wedding or the day her first child is born. I want her to be able to come to her mother when the mean kids at school are picking on her because she's wearing glasses or braces or because she's fat or because she has horrible skin (not that I want any of those things to happen to HER, but they sure happened to ME!) I want her to have something that I'll never have...the opportunity to come out of the hospital delivery room, holding her own baby, and say "Thank you" to the parents who felt the same way about her that she now feels about her baby.

Sure, I believe that my parents "know how I feel" and they're "looking down on me" or whatever else it is that people say to lessen my pain...but it's just simply NOT good enough. I was a young mother with questions...I'm proud to say that most of them, I figured out on my own...but why did I have to do that? Why are there mothers out there who will KILL their children and MY loving mother had to die? There are fathers who run off and leave their children and never pay a lick of child support or have anything to do with them and, yet, my devoted, hardworking father had to die. It's cruel and it pisses me off beyond belief!! I'll admit that God and I have been on the "outs" plenty of times in my 30 years because of that. I'm not an atheist. I very much believe there is a God. There's no doubt in my mind, whatsoever. I believe that He's up there and I believe that He sees what I'm going through. However, I struggle constantly with whether or not He cares about what He sees. I hurt, every day of my life, for one reason or another. If it's not my parents, it's some other struggle that He knows about. I will never understand how He can just sit idly by and watch me fall apart. Again, I've prayed, cried and begged...I've done, what I thought was, exactly what the Bible told me to do if I needed help...but, oddly enough, that "help" never came. So, where is my God???? He's up there, I have faith in that...but why does He just let me hurt? Why has my pain NOT stopped since I was 10 years old?? That's 20 years of suffering I've endured.

I have a beautiful daughter. I'm not ungrateful for that. She was what I call a "blessing in disguise". She was something I got that I didn't know I wanted. The truth is, I needed her. I know this, because there have been plenty of times since Alyssa was born in 2002, that, if I didn't have her, I would have just given up. Yes, I recognize that she is a gift from God....something to keep me going in the midst of my hurt...and I'm appreciative of that. She's beautiful, she's healthy, she's smart, she's well behaved, for the most part. She's a perfectly "normal" kid. It's my strong desire to keep her from my pain that is making me crazy!! My instincts constantly tell me to give up...but I can't, for her sake. I had a great mom and I want her to have one, too! It's just hard for me to know how to do that because my role model was taken away from me.

There aren't too many days that go by that I don't wonder what they'd be like. My mother would be 52 years old now...I haven't seen her since she was 32. My father would be turning 57 next month...he was 43 when I saw him last. I'm the spitting image of my mother, but, after my 32nd birthday, I'll no longer know what that means for me. I wonder every day how much grayer my father's hair would be or if my mother would have gotten the "middle age spread" (that would be good info to have for later). More importantly, I wonder if they'd be proud of me. I'm quite sure they wouldn't be, at this moment. I've made a TON of mistakes. But, most of them were mistakes that, most likely, I never would have been in a position to make, had they just been here. I like to think they'd be proud of me anyway, and I KNOW they'd be proud of their granddaughter. But, it really doesn't help any to "know" that. I'm still angry because they can't come to her birthday parties and her grandma can't make her any cute clothes and her grandpa can't take her on her first Harley ride.

I'm not in constant grief. It only really hurts when I think too hard about it. It doesn't even bother me to TALK about, in most cases. As long as I just talk and detach myself and forget how it FELT to hear my daddy say that "God needed a new angel and took Mom up to be with Him"...or how it FELT to have my phone ring early on a Saturday morning to be told that my father had been in an accident...or how it FELT to have his best friend come out of the hospital and tell me that he didn't make it. The sense of total aloneness that I felt at that moment is something that is still raw today.

My life was thrown a blow on January 5, 1990, when "God needed an angel", or whatever His motivation was. But, it all but ended on November 4, 1995, when He took away the last unconditional love I'll ever know. I still have a million unanswered questions and I'll probably never know exactly what happened in that room at Baptist hospital in 1990, or exactly what happened on Pine Springs Road in the wee hours of that November day. I'll never know if they were at peace with what was happening to them or if they were terrified of what would happen to my sister and me. I might not ever know how much they suffered and I suppose I should be grateful for that. And, I suppose I should be grateful that, unlike some people, I'll never have to wonder if they loved me. I KNOW they did! But, oddly enough, that doesn't help. That actually makes it worse, believe it or not. If I was an abused child, then their deaths might have come as a sweet release to me. But, I was very loved and treasured and, to lose the only people who will ever truly look at me that way, is a devastating tragedy from which I'll likely never recover.

It's almost 2am now and I'm totally rambling and I realize this. And, I also realize that, in the morning, I'll re-read this and it might not even stay on this blog. It likely won't make any sense, to be honest. In fact, I'm almost certain of that. I'm just tired of struggling. In one way or another, my entire life has been a constant struggle and I'm just ready for it to end (the struggle...not my life). I just want a few moments of peace. Maybe I had them already and just didn't notice. I don't know for sure. I just know that I hurt, almost constantly, and, if I have to be committed at any point, I want everyone to understand why!

**Update**
Yep...went back and re-read...and I'm happy to report that I'm feeling a bit better! :) These outbursts aren't unusual for me. Anyone who has lost someone close to them knows that it's a pain that you never get over. Time helps, and I've had YEARS, but it never completely stops hurting. I have moments when I still don't understand and moments when I still feel like I'm going through this life completely by myself, but deep down inside, I know better. They're always with me, not necessarily in that "they're watching over you" kind of way, but they're with me whenever I truly need them to be. I have my memories and I always feel closer to them when I'm telling my daughter about them. I want her to feel like she knew them and my next child (if I have one) will be named after one or both of them!

Now, having said that, I'm signing off to play with my 6 year old, who, as I type is reading over my shoulder and trying to give me "wet willies"! :)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Really?? I Had NO Idea!!




You Live a Boring Life



You aren't necessarily a boring person, but you've fallen into living a pretty boring life.

Somehow you've gotten yourself stuck in a rut, and life just isn't that interesting anymore.



You need to start acting and stop thinking so much. Just go for it, and don't let yourself come up with excuses.

The only way to make life less boring is to start living it. Let go of your hang ups. Go out and have an adventure!