Insomnia.....

It seems I do my best thinking at night...LATE at night. I'm not sure why that is, unless it's because that's when my daughter is asleep and there are fewer distractions. I tend to get lost in my thoughts a lot more when it's quiet...good news is, that makes me no different from anyone else! A person might ask me what it is that I think about when I'm basically alone in the wee hours of the morning and the answer is, anything goes. As some people might have noticed from a few posts ago, sometimes I'm having one of my seemingly regular "meltdowns" at 1am...and sometimes, like tonight, I'm really just "chilaxin'", jamming to my ever-changing playlist and enjoying myself. I don't know if the depression is letting up for any particular reason...certainly wouldn't be because anything in my life is looking up...but for some reason, I feel okay, for the first time in a long time. Now, this is likely to change at any point this week, because sooner or later, everyone will learn what a huge mess I've made of my life...but until then, I'm good. My friends know me as someone who doesn't tell a lot of blatant lies, but here lately, very few know the entire truth! This doesn't mean that you should ASK me, because I likely won't tell--it's not really my secret to tell.

All I know is, I'm SO tired of crying about it. I'm, by nature, not a crier. I think I got all my crying out at an early age and, up until recently, was almost immune to emotion. I suppose it could be good that I'm able to "feel" more, but mostly it sucks. Because I so very seldom get to feel happiness...true happiness. All I really get to feel is disgust and regret. I don't look in the mirror and see someone to be proud of. I see the person my grandparents have long said I was...a loser who my parents would be ashamed of. Now, deep down somewhere, I might venture to believe that it's not true, but how am I supposed to feel different when the very people who tell me they love me every time we get off the phone are the ones saying it?? I mean, what's true? Do they love me or am I a loser?? Can it even be both?? What would it be saying about them if they professed to "love a loser"? Sure, there are things could have done differently, but I'll eventually get it all figured out, right? I just need to surround myself with people and things that make me feel useful and worth the oxygen I require. There are few people in the world that I completely trust and that list gets smaller with every passing day. I have friends who haven't been there for me when I've needed them and friends who have. I have friends who make me feel better and those who basically ignore me.

I miss me. I miss the girl who could just take off and go to the mall and come back with some material possession to fill whatever void that was causing her pain on that particular day. I miss the girl who would crank up the iPod and dance ridiculously around the house and giving her daughter impromptu "concerts" into a hairbrush. I miss the girl who would, on a whim, get in the kitchen and bake a cake to decorate for whatever holiday was coming up. I know I haven't been myself in probably 6 months (at least) and I'm ready to find me again. I'm just not sure when that can happen. I don't know if praying can help me now, but I'm willing to try anything at this point, before I lose my mind!!