I'm Never Alone

So why do I feel so empty? I have people in my life, whether I like it or not (and sometimes I don't), yet, I've never felt more alone. I absolutely hate this dark hole I'm in. I want to be able to enjoy my life. I want to wake up and feel like I have something to live for. There's something missing in my life and I need to take the steps to figure out what it is. The holidays are approaching and I want to feel all the happiness that other people feel this time of year. I want to be excited and have the child in me brought out by pretty decorations and festive music. Instead, I just dread all the hostilities that the holidays bring out. I hate not being able to give my daughter the kind of Christmases she deserves to have. She deserves to have traditions and family and happiness...and she gets none of that. I get her gifts, but we don't even get to do "Santa" the way I want to. How did I manage to get my life into such a mess??