Okay, so I realize that it's technically Friday, but I got sidetracked. Better late than never...
So, last Friday, I got a new purse. I ordered it from Handbag Heaven and I LOVE it!! So, in light of that, I decided that this week's "Thursday Thirteen" would be:
13 Things You'd Find In My Purse:
1. my wallet--this will contain everything from my driver's license to gift cards with tiny balances left that I just can't seem to get rid of.
2. sunglasses--I have some of those really HUGE ones that are popular nowadays. I love them!!
3. keychain--this isn't the keychain that has my car keys on it...I usually keep that one in my pocket so I don't have to dig. This one strictly has my little "loyalty cards" that I use at the grocery store or where ever.
4. a pen--okay, so technically my pen isn't in there right this second, because I just took it out to use it, so it's sitting beside me. But, any other time, it'd be in there!
5. phone number list--I lost my address book, so I have phone numbers written down on a piece of paper until I find a replacement address book. I'm very picky about my address books, so it could take awhile to find the right one.
6. my makeup bag--this new purse is big enough that I can stick the whole damn Mary Kay clear plastic bag in there. No more picking and choosing which products I "might" need!!
7. some of those Crystal Light individual drink packets--you never know when you might be craving something like that and you can just stop by the store, get a 20oz bottle of water and voila! Crystal Light!! :)
8. cough drops--kinda goes without saying why a person might keep those, huh?
9. loose change--this SHOULD probably be in my wallet, but it's not, so it counts separately!
10. hand sanitizer--I don't go ANYWHERE without this stuff!! I hate germs!!
11. moist towelette--for those instances when my child needs her hands washed in an inconvenient place.
12. Ibuprofen--again, I have a kid....can't have enough headache medicine handy!!
13. silica gel pack--like I said, it's a new purse and I just found this while I was digging around for 13 things...so it counts!! :)
There you have it! I've said before that you can tell a lot about a person by what's in his pockets...well, purses count, too!! :)
Friday, May 29, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
I Got Tagged.....THANKS!! :)
If I looked on the bed next to you, what would I find?
--I'm not in the bed....but if you looked at it, you'd see my husband asleep and my daughter watching a movie
Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
--closed, if you must know
Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in?
--they're folded, but then they got thrown in, so you can't tell
Sleep on your back or stomach?
--I'm pretty back and forth
Are you a cuddler?
--not really, but I have my moments
What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
--pictures...shoes....no telling what else...
Something that happened today that made you angry?
--nothing, really....same old, same old.....
What were you doing before this survey?
--just killing time
What will you do after the survey?
--cook, I guess
Marriage or living together?
--I don't really have an opinion on that
What shirt are you wearing now?
--an LSU tshirt
Do you sing?
--upon occasion
Do you de-label your beer bottles?
--this really doesn't apply to me
Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
--depends on who I'm talking to
Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
--oh yeah!!
First thing you do when you wake up?
--look at the clock
Ever had surgery?
--nope
Last argument you got into with?
--Alyssa, I'm sure
Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
--no
What's one good thing about your best friend?
--I "own" her until she's 18!
How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
--awhile, usually
Current song on myspace?
--I have several
When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
--no...I intentionally put it across the room so I'd have no choice but to get up
If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
--um....I guess....
What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
--nothing, really...I'm still hoping I have something TO look forward to
It's midnight. Who are you texting?
--no one
It's Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually?
--same place I am any other day
Your Christmas list consists of?
--really? We're already talking about Christmas???
You're going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first?
--why would I go to New York for school shopping???
You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
--hmmm...I really don't know...
How do you feel about your hair?
--it needs to be cut again
What movie is in your DVD player?
--I'm pretty sure there isn't one
If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
--anywhere!!
How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
--to a point, sure
What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
um.....
How many TRUE best friends do you have?
--not many
What would you change about your life right now?
--OMG!! You have NO idea!!!
What’s the best feeling in the world?
--don't know...haven't had it yet! ;)
--I'm not in the bed....but if you looked at it, you'd see my husband asleep and my daughter watching a movie
Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
--closed, if you must know
Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in?
--they're folded, but then they got thrown in, so you can't tell
Sleep on your back or stomach?
--I'm pretty back and forth
Are you a cuddler?
--not really, but I have my moments
What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
--pictures...shoes....no telling what else...
Something that happened today that made you angry?
--nothing, really....same old, same old.....
What were you doing before this survey?
--just killing time
What will you do after the survey?
--cook, I guess
Marriage or living together?
--I don't really have an opinion on that
What shirt are you wearing now?
--an LSU tshirt
Do you sing?
--upon occasion
Do you de-label your beer bottles?
--this really doesn't apply to me
Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
--depends on who I'm talking to
Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
--oh yeah!!
First thing you do when you wake up?
--look at the clock
Ever had surgery?
--nope
Last argument you got into with?
--Alyssa, I'm sure
Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
--no
What's one good thing about your best friend?
--I "own" her until she's 18!
How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
--awhile, usually
Current song on myspace?
--I have several
When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
--no...I intentionally put it across the room so I'd have no choice but to get up
If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
--um....I guess....
What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
--nothing, really...I'm still hoping I have something TO look forward to
It's midnight. Who are you texting?
--no one
It's Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually?
--same place I am any other day
Your Christmas list consists of?
--really? We're already talking about Christmas???
You're going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first?
--why would I go to New York for school shopping???
You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
--hmmm...I really don't know...
How do you feel about your hair?
--it needs to be cut again
What movie is in your DVD player?
--I'm pretty sure there isn't one
If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
--anywhere!!
How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
--to a point, sure
What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
um.....
How many TRUE best friends do you have?
--not many
What would you change about your life right now?
--OMG!! You have NO idea!!!
What’s the best feeling in the world?
--don't know...haven't had it yet! ;)
Insomnia.....
It seems I do my best thinking at night...LATE at night. I'm not sure why that is, unless it's because that's when my daughter is asleep and there are fewer distractions. I tend to get lost in my thoughts a lot more when it's quiet...good news is, that makes me no different from anyone else! A person might ask me what it is that I think about when I'm basically alone in the wee hours of the morning and the answer is, anything goes. As some people might have noticed from a few posts ago, sometimes I'm having one of my seemingly regular "meltdowns" at 1am...and sometimes, like tonight, I'm really just "chilaxin'", jamming to my ever-changing playlist and enjoying myself. I don't know if the depression is letting up for any particular reason...certainly wouldn't be because anything in my life is looking up...but for some reason, I feel okay, for the first time in a long time. Now, this is likely to change at any point this week, because sooner or later, everyone will learn what a huge mess I've made of my life...but until then, I'm good. My friends know me as someone who doesn't tell a lot of blatant lies, but here lately, very few know the entire truth! This doesn't mean that you should ASK me, because I likely won't tell--it's not really my secret to tell.
All I know is, I'm SO tired of crying about it. I'm, by nature, not a crier. I think I got all my crying out at an early age and, up until recently, was almost immune to emotion. I suppose it could be good that I'm able to "feel" more, but mostly it sucks. Because I so very seldom get to feel happiness...true happiness. All I really get to feel is disgust and regret. I don't look in the mirror and see someone to be proud of. I see the person my grandparents have long said I was...a loser who my parents would be ashamed of. Now, deep down somewhere, I might venture to believe that it's not true, but how am I supposed to feel different when the very people who tell me they love me every time we get off the phone are the ones saying it?? I mean, what's true? Do they love me or am I a loser?? Can it even be both?? What would it be saying about them if they professed to "love a loser"? Sure, there are things could have done differently, but I'll eventually get it all figured out, right? I just need to surround myself with people and things that make me feel useful and worth the oxygen I require. There are few people in the world that I completely trust and that list gets smaller with every passing day. I have friends who haven't been there for me when I've needed them and friends who have. I have friends who make me feel better and those who basically ignore me.
I miss me. I miss the girl who could just take off and go to the mall and come back with some material possession to fill whatever void that was causing her pain on that particular day. I miss the girl who would crank up the iPod and dance ridiculously around the house and giving her daughter impromptu "concerts" into a hairbrush. I miss the girl who would, on a whim, get in the kitchen and bake a cake to decorate for whatever holiday was coming up. I know I haven't been myself in probably 6 months (at least) and I'm ready to find me again. I'm just not sure when that can happen. I don't know if praying can help me now, but I'm willing to try anything at this point, before I lose my mind!!
All I know is, I'm SO tired of crying about it. I'm, by nature, not a crier. I think I got all my crying out at an early age and, up until recently, was almost immune to emotion. I suppose it could be good that I'm able to "feel" more, but mostly it sucks. Because I so very seldom get to feel happiness...true happiness. All I really get to feel is disgust and regret. I don't look in the mirror and see someone to be proud of. I see the person my grandparents have long said I was...a loser who my parents would be ashamed of. Now, deep down somewhere, I might venture to believe that it's not true, but how am I supposed to feel different when the very people who tell me they love me every time we get off the phone are the ones saying it?? I mean, what's true? Do they love me or am I a loser?? Can it even be both?? What would it be saying about them if they professed to "love a loser"? Sure, there are things could have done differently, but I'll eventually get it all figured out, right? I just need to surround myself with people and things that make me feel useful and worth the oxygen I require. There are few people in the world that I completely trust and that list gets smaller with every passing day. I have friends who haven't been there for me when I've needed them and friends who have. I have friends who make me feel better and those who basically ignore me.
I miss me. I miss the girl who could just take off and go to the mall and come back with some material possession to fill whatever void that was causing her pain on that particular day. I miss the girl who would crank up the iPod and dance ridiculously around the house and giving her daughter impromptu "concerts" into a hairbrush. I miss the girl who would, on a whim, get in the kitchen and bake a cake to decorate for whatever holiday was coming up. I know I haven't been myself in probably 6 months (at least) and I'm ready to find me again. I'm just not sure when that can happen. I don't know if praying can help me now, but I'm willing to try anything at this point, before I lose my mind!!
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
My Daughter
Her full name is: Alyssa Frances Williamson
Her birthday is: October 3, 2002
Her astrological sign is: Libra, I believe
She was born in: Flowood, MS
I pushed for: roughly 40 minutes
Labor with my daughter lasted: about 4 hours
She weighed: 8lbs. 9 oz.
Her hair was: light
She looks more like: my sister...
Her eye color is: light blue
Her room is decorated in: it's kinda "there"
Her favorite toy is: she's currently in a doll phase
Her favorite snack/food is: anything...she's not picky
Her favorite show to watch is: hmmm...anything on Disney, really
She sleeps: all over the dang bed!!!
Her mommy's name is: Rebecca
Her daddy's name is: Greg
Who visited you in the hospital? all my friends
Did you have a baby shower? two, actually
Was she a planned pregnancy? HA! No!
Does she have any siblings? she has a half-brother
Do you plan to give her more siblings? no plans at the moment
Is she a mommy's girl or daddy's girl? hard to tell
Did you breast feed? I did
Milestones
What was her 1st word? "Mama"
When did she 1st roll over? I don't remember...5 months, maybe?
When did she 1st sit up? August 12, 2003 at exactly 11:02am...are you kidding?? I don't remember!!
When did she start walking? Thanksgiving day, 2003...that one I DO remember!
Her birthday is: October 3, 2002
Her astrological sign is: Libra, I believe
She was born in: Flowood, MS
I pushed for: roughly 40 minutes
Labor with my daughter lasted: about 4 hours
She weighed: 8lbs. 9 oz.
Her hair was: light
She looks more like: my sister...
Her eye color is: light blue
Her room is decorated in: it's kinda "there"
Her favorite toy is: she's currently in a doll phase
Her favorite snack/food is: anything...she's not picky
Her favorite show to watch is: hmmm...anything on Disney, really
She sleeps: all over the dang bed!!!
Her mommy's name is: Rebecca
Her daddy's name is: Greg
Who visited you in the hospital? all my friends
Did you have a baby shower? two, actually
Was she a planned pregnancy? HA! No!
Does she have any siblings? she has a half-brother
Do you plan to give her more siblings? no plans at the moment
Is she a mommy's girl or daddy's girl? hard to tell
Did you breast feed? I did
Milestones
What was her 1st word? "Mama"
When did she 1st roll over? I don't remember...5 months, maybe?
When did she 1st sit up? August 12, 2003 at exactly 11:02am...are you kidding?? I don't remember!!
When did she start walking? Thanksgiving day, 2003...that one I DO remember!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Headed For A Break-Down
It's currently 1:00am here in the "middle of nowhere, Louisiana" and I'm still basically wide awake. Now, don't misunderstand. I'm not alert and awake. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I'd LOVE to go to sleep right now. But, as soon as my head hits the pillow, my eyes pop open. I know this, because I've already tried it. Sitting up at the computer, I'm doing good to keep them open, but that will change as soon as I lie down. I know that it's because I have so much crap going on in my head and I can't seem to sort it all out. My pastor would say that this would be the best time to talk to God, but I can't even concentrate long enough to do that! My mind zooms around ninety-to-nothing pretty much all day long and I can't make it stop racing long enough to enjoy the world around me. I need some meditation. I need to stop and sit down and really put my life into perspective. I feel better when I'm able to do that.
I want to be a better person. I want to tune in more to the people around me and less to myself. I want to be able to take care of my daughter the way she deserves. I just want a touch of "normalcy" going on. I know what I want. I have a very clear image of who I am and who I want to become. I just haven't yet figured out the steps it'll take to get there. I pretty much know that it'll take some "divine intervention" to make it all happen and I pray that that'll happen, but I just don't know anymore. I've prayed, I've begged, I've cried (literally and figuratively)...I'm not sure what else I can do or how much more sincere I can possibly be. I don't know if I've committed some unforgivable sin and that's why I feel so ignored or what...I just know that it's taking all the strength in me to even care anymore. Pretty soon, that'll give out, too, and what happens then? Does my daughter become a carbon copy of myself--left behind by her parents, through no fault of their own, to grow into a bitter, negative, lonely woman who is more like a child than an adult, crying out for love and acceptance that she somehow missed through not having parents? The very LAST thing I want for my daughter is for her to ever have to feel like I do--like she's been abandoned by the people who were supposed to take care of her until she was at least old enough to take care of herself. Every parent knows the love they have for their child or children. What happens to that child when she loses that unconditional love? Well, I'll tell you what happens. She becomes angry at the world. She's angry at God for taking the truest form of love she'll ever be privileged to have. There's not a soul in this world who loves a person the way their parents do. Not grandparents, not siblings, not aunts or uncles...no one! Even my daughter loves me NOW, but that love will change. Not that she'll love me any less when she gets older, but it'll be different. Right now, I'm ALL she has. Sooner or later, her love will be divided between me and some boy who isn't good enough for her. Then, it will be divided further when she has children of her own. She'll always love me, I'm sure, but not in the same, unchanging way that my parents would have and certainly not in the way that I'll always love her. A parent's love never changes. The kids are "it". There's nothing else to divide our love with after that. What they have is what they have, period. At least that's how I look at it. Not that I'd know, because I'll never get to be the object of love like that. I was, at one time, but it was so long ago that I can no longer remember it. I only get to imagine the way my mother felt about me. I don't want my daughter to wind up like me. I don't want her to know loss like I have. I don't want her to have to wonder what kind of grandparents her parents would have made. I don't want her to be reduced to simply "feeling their presence" as she gets ready for prom, or at her high school graduation, or at her wedding or the day her first child is born. I want her to be able to come to her mother when the mean kids at school are picking on her because she's wearing glasses or braces or because she's fat or because she has horrible skin (not that I want any of those things to happen to HER, but they sure happened to ME!) I want her to have something that I'll never have...the opportunity to come out of the hospital delivery room, holding her own baby, and say "Thank you" to the parents who felt the same way about her that she now feels about her baby.
Sure, I believe that my parents "know how I feel" and they're "looking down on me" or whatever else it is that people say to lessen my pain...but it's just simply NOT good enough. I was a young mother with questions...I'm proud to say that most of them, I figured out on my own...but why did I have to do that? Why are there mothers out there who will KILL their children and MY loving mother had to die? There are fathers who run off and leave their children and never pay a lick of child support or have anything to do with them and, yet, my devoted, hardworking father had to die. It's cruel and it pisses me off beyond belief!! I'll admit that God and I have been on the "outs" plenty of times in my 30 years because of that. I'm not an atheist. I very much believe there is a God. There's no doubt in my mind, whatsoever. I believe that He's up there and I believe that He sees what I'm going through. However, I struggle constantly with whether or not He cares about what He sees. I hurt, every day of my life, for one reason or another. If it's not my parents, it's some other struggle that He knows about. I will never understand how He can just sit idly by and watch me fall apart. Again, I've prayed, cried and begged...I've done, what I thought was, exactly what the Bible told me to do if I needed help...but, oddly enough, that "help" never came. So, where is my God???? He's up there, I have faith in that...but why does He just let me hurt? Why has my pain NOT stopped since I was 10 years old?? That's 20 years of suffering I've endured.
I have a beautiful daughter. I'm not ungrateful for that. She was what I call a "blessing in disguise". She was something I got that I didn't know I wanted. The truth is, I needed her. I know this, because there have been plenty of times since Alyssa was born in 2002, that, if I didn't have her, I would have just given up. Yes, I recognize that she is a gift from God....something to keep me going in the midst of my hurt...and I'm appreciative of that. She's beautiful, she's healthy, she's smart, she's well behaved, for the most part. She's a perfectly "normal" kid. It's my strong desire to keep her from my pain that is making me crazy!! My instincts constantly tell me to give up...but I can't, for her sake. I had a great mom and I want her to have one, too! It's just hard for me to know how to do that because my role model was taken away from me.
There aren't too many days that go by that I don't wonder what they'd be like. My mother would be 52 years old now...I haven't seen her since she was 32. My father would be turning 57 next month...he was 43 when I saw him last. I'm the spitting image of my mother, but, after my 32nd birthday, I'll no longer know what that means for me. I wonder every day how much grayer my father's hair would be or if my mother would have gotten the "middle age spread" (that would be good info to have for later). More importantly, I wonder if they'd be proud of me. I'm quite sure they wouldn't be, at this moment. I've made a TON of mistakes. But, most of them were mistakes that, most likely, I never would have been in a position to make, had they just been here. I like to think they'd be proud of me anyway, and I KNOW they'd be proud of their granddaughter. But, it really doesn't help any to "know" that. I'm still angry because they can't come to her birthday parties and her grandma can't make her any cute clothes and her grandpa can't take her on her first Harley ride.
I'm not in constant grief. It only really hurts when I think too hard about it. It doesn't even bother me to TALK about, in most cases. As long as I just talk and detach myself and forget how it FELT to hear my daddy say that "God needed a new angel and took Mom up to be with Him"...or how it FELT to have my phone ring early on a Saturday morning to be told that my father had been in an accident...or how it FELT to have his best friend come out of the hospital and tell me that he didn't make it. The sense of total aloneness that I felt at that moment is something that is still raw today.
If my life was thrown a blow on January 5, 1990, when "God needed an angel", or whatever His motivation was, it all but ended on November 4, 1995, when He took away the last unconditional love I'll ever know. I still have a million unanswered questions and I'll probably never know exactly what happened in that room at Baptist hospital in 1990, or exactly what happened on Pine Springs Road in the wee hours of that November day. I'll never know if they were at peace with what was happening to them or if they were terrified of what would happen to my sister and me. I might not ever know how much they suffered and I suppose I should be grateful for that. And, I suppose I should be grateful that, unlike some people, I'll never have to wonder if they loved me. I KNOW they did! But, oddly enough, that doesn't help. That actually makes it worse, believe it or not. If I was an abused child, then their deaths might have come as a sweet release to me. But, I was very loved and treasured and, to lose the only people who will ever truly look at me that way, is a devastating tragedy from which I'll likely never recover.
It's almost 2am now and I'm totally rambling and I realize this. And, I also realize that, in the morning, I'll re-read this and it might not even stay on this blog. It likely won't make any sense, to be honest. In fact, I'm almost certain of that. I'm just tired of struggling. In one way or another, my entire life has been a constant struggle and I'm just ready for it to end (the struggle...not my life). I just want a few moments of peace. Maybe I had them already and just didn't notice. I don't know for sure. I just know that I hurt, almost constantly, and, if I have to be committed at any point, I want everyone to understand why!
**Update**
Yep...went back and re-read...and I'm happy to report that I'm feeling a bit better! :) These outbursts aren't unusual for me. Anyone who has lost someone close to them knows that it's a pain that you never get over. Time helps, and I've had YEARS, but it never completely stops hurting. I have moments when I still don't understand and moments when I still feel like I'm going through this life completely by myself, but deep down inside, I know better. They're always with me, not necessarily in that "they're watching over you" kind of way, but they're with me whenever I truly need them to be. I have my memories and I always feel closer to them when I'm telling my daughter about them. I want her to feel like she knew them and my next child (if I have one) will be named after one or both of them!
Now, having said that, I'm signing off to play with my 6 year old, who, as I type is reading over my shoulder and trying to give me "wet willies"! :)
I want to be a better person. I want to tune in more to the people around me and less to myself. I want to be able to take care of my daughter the way she deserves. I just want a touch of "normalcy" going on. I know what I want. I have a very clear image of who I am and who I want to become. I just haven't yet figured out the steps it'll take to get there. I pretty much know that it'll take some "divine intervention" to make it all happen and I pray that that'll happen, but I just don't know anymore. I've prayed, I've begged, I've cried (literally and figuratively)...I'm not sure what else I can do or how much more sincere I can possibly be. I don't know if I've committed some unforgivable sin and that's why I feel so ignored or what...I just know that it's taking all the strength in me to even care anymore. Pretty soon, that'll give out, too, and what happens then? Does my daughter become a carbon copy of myself--left behind by her parents, through no fault of their own, to grow into a bitter, negative, lonely woman who is more like a child than an adult, crying out for love and acceptance that she somehow missed through not having parents? The very LAST thing I want for my daughter is for her to ever have to feel like I do--like she's been abandoned by the people who were supposed to take care of her until she was at least old enough to take care of herself. Every parent knows the love they have for their child or children. What happens to that child when she loses that unconditional love? Well, I'll tell you what happens. She becomes angry at the world. She's angry at God for taking the truest form of love she'll ever be privileged to have. There's not a soul in this world who loves a person the way their parents do. Not grandparents, not siblings, not aunts or uncles...no one! Even my daughter loves me NOW, but that love will change. Not that she'll love me any less when she gets older, but it'll be different. Right now, I'm ALL she has. Sooner or later, her love will be divided between me and some boy who isn't good enough for her. Then, it will be divided further when she has children of her own. She'll always love me, I'm sure, but not in the same, unchanging way that my parents would have and certainly not in the way that I'll always love her. A parent's love never changes. The kids are "it". There's nothing else to divide our love with after that. What they have is what they have, period. At least that's how I look at it. Not that I'd know, because I'll never get to be the object of love like that. I was, at one time, but it was so long ago that I can no longer remember it. I only get to imagine the way my mother felt about me. I don't want my daughter to wind up like me. I don't want her to know loss like I have. I don't want her to have to wonder what kind of grandparents her parents would have made. I don't want her to be reduced to simply "feeling their presence" as she gets ready for prom, or at her high school graduation, or at her wedding or the day her first child is born. I want her to be able to come to her mother when the mean kids at school are picking on her because she's wearing glasses or braces or because she's fat or because she has horrible skin (not that I want any of those things to happen to HER, but they sure happened to ME!) I want her to have something that I'll never have...the opportunity to come out of the hospital delivery room, holding her own baby, and say "Thank you" to the parents who felt the same way about her that she now feels about her baby.
Sure, I believe that my parents "know how I feel" and they're "looking down on me" or whatever else it is that people say to lessen my pain...but it's just simply NOT good enough. I was a young mother with questions...I'm proud to say that most of them, I figured out on my own...but why did I have to do that? Why are there mothers out there who will KILL their children and MY loving mother had to die? There are fathers who run off and leave their children and never pay a lick of child support or have anything to do with them and, yet, my devoted, hardworking father had to die. It's cruel and it pisses me off beyond belief!! I'll admit that God and I have been on the "outs" plenty of times in my 30 years because of that. I'm not an atheist. I very much believe there is a God. There's no doubt in my mind, whatsoever. I believe that He's up there and I believe that He sees what I'm going through. However, I struggle constantly with whether or not He cares about what He sees. I hurt, every day of my life, for one reason or another. If it's not my parents, it's some other struggle that He knows about. I will never understand how He can just sit idly by and watch me fall apart. Again, I've prayed, cried and begged...I've done, what I thought was, exactly what the Bible told me to do if I needed help...but, oddly enough, that "help" never came. So, where is my God???? He's up there, I have faith in that...but why does He just let me hurt? Why has my pain NOT stopped since I was 10 years old?? That's 20 years of suffering I've endured.
I have a beautiful daughter. I'm not ungrateful for that. She was what I call a "blessing in disguise". She was something I got that I didn't know I wanted. The truth is, I needed her. I know this, because there have been plenty of times since Alyssa was born in 2002, that, if I didn't have her, I would have just given up. Yes, I recognize that she is a gift from God....something to keep me going in the midst of my hurt...and I'm appreciative of that. She's beautiful, she's healthy, she's smart, she's well behaved, for the most part. She's a perfectly "normal" kid. It's my strong desire to keep her from my pain that is making me crazy!! My instincts constantly tell me to give up...but I can't, for her sake. I had a great mom and I want her to have one, too! It's just hard for me to know how to do that because my role model was taken away from me.
There aren't too many days that go by that I don't wonder what they'd be like. My mother would be 52 years old now...I haven't seen her since she was 32. My father would be turning 57 next month...he was 43 when I saw him last. I'm the spitting image of my mother, but, after my 32nd birthday, I'll no longer know what that means for me. I wonder every day how much grayer my father's hair would be or if my mother would have gotten the "middle age spread" (that would be good info to have for later). More importantly, I wonder if they'd be proud of me. I'm quite sure they wouldn't be, at this moment. I've made a TON of mistakes. But, most of them were mistakes that, most likely, I never would have been in a position to make, had they just been here. I like to think they'd be proud of me anyway, and I KNOW they'd be proud of their granddaughter. But, it really doesn't help any to "know" that. I'm still angry because they can't come to her birthday parties and her grandma can't make her any cute clothes and her grandpa can't take her on her first Harley ride.
I'm not in constant grief. It only really hurts when I think too hard about it. It doesn't even bother me to TALK about, in most cases. As long as I just talk and detach myself and forget how it FELT to hear my daddy say that "God needed a new angel and took Mom up to be with Him"...or how it FELT to have my phone ring early on a Saturday morning to be told that my father had been in an accident...or how it FELT to have his best friend come out of the hospital and tell me that he didn't make it. The sense of total aloneness that I felt at that moment is something that is still raw today.
If my life was thrown a blow on January 5, 1990, when "God needed an angel", or whatever His motivation was, it all but ended on November 4, 1995, when He took away the last unconditional love I'll ever know. I still have a million unanswered questions and I'll probably never know exactly what happened in that room at Baptist hospital in 1990, or exactly what happened on Pine Springs Road in the wee hours of that November day. I'll never know if they were at peace with what was happening to them or if they were terrified of what would happen to my sister and me. I might not ever know how much they suffered and I suppose I should be grateful for that. And, I suppose I should be grateful that, unlike some people, I'll never have to wonder if they loved me. I KNOW they did! But, oddly enough, that doesn't help. That actually makes it worse, believe it or not. If I was an abused child, then their deaths might have come as a sweet release to me. But, I was very loved and treasured and, to lose the only people who will ever truly look at me that way, is a devastating tragedy from which I'll likely never recover.
It's almost 2am now and I'm totally rambling and I realize this. And, I also realize that, in the morning, I'll re-read this and it might not even stay on this blog. It likely won't make any sense, to be honest. In fact, I'm almost certain of that. I'm just tired of struggling. In one way or another, my entire life has been a constant struggle and I'm just ready for it to end (the struggle...not my life). I just want a few moments of peace. Maybe I had them already and just didn't notice. I don't know for sure. I just know that I hurt, almost constantly, and, if I have to be committed at any point, I want everyone to understand why!
**Update**
Yep...went back and re-read...and I'm happy to report that I'm feeling a bit better! :) These outbursts aren't unusual for me. Anyone who has lost someone close to them knows that it's a pain that you never get over. Time helps, and I've had YEARS, but it never completely stops hurting. I have moments when I still don't understand and moments when I still feel like I'm going through this life completely by myself, but deep down inside, I know better. They're always with me, not necessarily in that "they're watching over you" kind of way, but they're with me whenever I truly need them to be. I have my memories and I always feel closer to them when I'm telling my daughter about them. I want her to feel like she knew them and my next child (if I have one) will be named after one or both of them!
Now, having said that, I'm signing off to play with my 6 year old, who, as I type is reading over my shoulder and trying to give me "wet willies"! :)
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