$35????

I've been told, as recently as this morning, that I "have problems" and I'm "crazy"....and maybe I am.  I don't think this "news" is as heartbreaking to me as is the fact that the people who so callously point this out to me don't bother to dig deep to try to understand.  So, here it is: Yes, I'm cynical.  Yes, I'm bitter.  Yes, I'm angry and depressed and, yes, those things manifest into the negativity that comes out of my mouth, apparently pretty regularly.  But, ask yourself WHY?  WHY am I like I am?  WHY am I "crazy"?  I'll tell you.  Because I'm hurting....every day.  I hurt because of what I've lost and what I never had.  I hurt because I don't understand.  I can't make sense of how a God who loves me would pick such a horrific life for ME.  What did I do that was so wrong?  I know that many of you are, in your heads, giving me the whole "God loves you" and "everything happens for a reason" and "we aren't meant to understand" and "everybody has troubles" and all the things I've heard all my life, ad nauseam.  I want to go on record as saying I KNOW those things.  I'm not a selfish person and I already know that "others have it so much worse" than me.  I KNOW that!  Knowing that, however, doesn't tend to make me feel any better.  There isn't a day that passes that I don't miss my precious Daddy and wish I could even remember my mother.  I have, as a full grown adult, been on my knees, begging God to bring either one of them back to me for 5 minutes, even though I know full well that that isn't possible.  I need them.  I needed them at 10 and 16, when they were cruelly taken from me.  I needed them at 18, when I graduated high school and needed a direction.  I needed them at 22, when I found myself pregnant even though I knew better and struggled with various decisions as a consequence.  I needed them at 25, when my depression finally gave way to a 5 year struggle with an eating disorder.  I needed them at 29, when I was thrust into a web of lies, deceit and poverty and couldn't see a way out.  I needed them at 35, when I finally got the courage to make a step towards a better life for myself and my daughter.  And I need them today, at 38, so I won't be alone in this world.

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was a 10 year old little girl.  This little girl had a wonderful life with two loving parents and a little sister.  There were dance lessons and birthday parties and pretty homemade dresses and big family Christmases and vacations every summer.  After a few years, the little girl's mother wasn't feeling very well, so the little girl's grandfather urged her mother to go to the doctor to find out what the problem was.  Mother balked at the idea, saying that it was going to cost her $35 to go and it just wasn't worth spending the money....it would pass.  But, it didn't pass, so after awhile, she was forced to go to the doctor.  But, by then it was too late.  It was cancer and it had spread.  Back in those days, medicine wasn't quite as advanced as it is today and not as much could be done.  So, this little girl's super smart, insanely talented,  loving, devoted mother was taken from the world after only 32 years.  Not too many years later, her father was also taken suddenly, at only 43, leaving the girl, now a teenager, and her younger sister alone. Years passed, mistakes were made, ties were severed, and sisters no longer speak.  The once "little" girl, now grown, has a daughter of her own who has no grandma, no grandpa, and no aunt.  It's not the end of the world for them, and she knows that, but there's a certain sadness that looms over her for what "should have been".....and all might have been prevented for a measly $35 doctor visit.

I said all that to say this: I don't want pity.  I don't want anybody to EVER feel sorry for me.  I just want people to understand!  I'm not bitchy and difficult because it makes me happy to be that way.  I don't want to bring others down or "drown" them.  I want people to stop and think before they call someone "crazy" or tell them to "get over it" (they probably would have already done that if it were that easy).  I want them to realize that, while they might think they would handle it differently, and maybe they would have, I am constantly suffering.  I don't grieve every day and I don't dwell on my lost parents or anything else.  But, there's just no way you can face so much so young and bear the brunt of it alone and come out undamaged.  People need to have compassion and realize that everybody is affected by tragedy in different ways.  Some come through relatively unscathed, others live with the pain every day and, still others don't know HOW to deal with the pain and will either choose to numb the pain with drugs and/or alcohol or some other "coping mechanism, or they will chose to end the pain altogether the only way they know how and end their own life.  Who am I (or you) to judge someone for the way they hurt, even if they don't (didn't) handle it the same way as you or someone you know who went through the same situation? 

My entire point is, be compassionate.  At the very least, if you can't say something to uplift another human being, at least don't be the reason they fall further.  Keep your mouth shut.  It's that simple!