Why Are They Not Safe???

I just read on a message board that I frequent that a member's 7 year old granddaughter was killed in a car accident. How does that happen??? This, of course, isn't the first I've heard of tragedy striking a young child, but WHY?? It just doesn't seem fair to me. Why does God give children to people and then take them away before they reach any level of maturation? It's scary to me, as a mom, that, no matter what I do for my daughter or how well I take care of her, there's still a power greater than me that can take her at any moment. I could have very little warning and my life could change in an instant, but it's really frightening to me. I have given this little girl the very best of me...better, in fact, than I even know I had in me. We all have a "number", so to speak and all I can do is hope and pray that she's not one of those unfortunate children with a low number.

Sad Stuff

For several hours now, I've been watching as MSNBC replays lots of footage of Tim Russert. In case anyone didn't know, Tim Russert was the moderator of "Meet the Press" and collapsed and died Friday at the age of 58. I'd be lying if I said that I was a huge fan of the show, because I'm really not into politics, but I do remember watching it years ago, when I lived with my grandparents. Grandpa would have it on every Sunday while I ate breakfast and got ready for church. I'm finding it to be a little sad that he's gone, mainly because, through the interviews and whatnot, I've come to the conclusion that he was genuinely a great guy and one I would have liked to have met. It's sad that his father lost a son and his son lost his father right before Fathers Day. My prayers are with his family.

Happy Father's Day!

Father's Day is a bittersweet holiday for me, even more so this year. I lost my own father in 1995 at the age of 43. So, not only is Father's Day just rough, in general, this year, it falls on what would have been my father's 56th birthday. It's going to be a tough day, but I will soldier on, for the sake of my daughter and my husband, who still have the pleasure of celebrating the holiday together. I went shopping for a gift and cards and I'll put a smile on my face and try VERY hard not to let myself get bogged down by the memories of a man who should be celebrating twice as hard tomorrow.

I Am Nothing.

At least that's the word, according to my five year old. Now, I know she didn't mean anything by it. My daughter loves me. Let me set this up.

We're in the car and she starts asking me about the "apple pie party" that she had with her school last October. It was held at a restaurant that's owned by the parents of one of the little girls in her class. So, she proceeded to go over it all in her head. "Sage's mom owns a restaurant. Bubbie's mom is a teacher. You're nothing."

NOTHING?!?!?! Does dedicating the last 5 years of my life to the health, happiness and welfare of my most precious gift not count for anything? I realize that she didn't mean it that way. She merely meant that I don't have a "job", in the paycheck drawing sense. But, am I truly nothing because of that? I made a conscious decision before she was born that I was going to stay at home as long as I possibly could, so that I wouldn't miss any of the little things and so that she wouldn't get confused and call her day care worker "Mommy". I wanted to be able to be there when she was sick and attend all her school functions, field trips, etc. I've devoted my life, since late 2002, to seeing that she eats all her vegetables and washes her hands after she goes to the bathroom or plays in the dirt. I've been there to wipe her nose and kiss her "boo-boos". But, is it enough? Does my daughter, subconsciously, think I'm "nothing"?

The very last thing in this world that I want is to be seen as a failure by my own daughter. She's the one person whose opinion matters to me and the one person that I'll go out of my way or alter myself to please. I know what makes me happy. I'm happiest when I'm able to be with my daughter and do things for her. I was happiest, this past school year, when there was a trip or a party or something and I was able to be there. I would see her face light up as soon as I'd arrive and I was convinced that I had made the right choice in not going back to work. How can that be nothing?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not mad at my daughter. I'm not blaming her or anything of the sort. I'm just worried that I've given her the wrong impression of me. I do not want to be "nothing" in the eyes of my child. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I just want to be something that my daughter can grow up to be proud of. I want her to be able to look at me and say, "you know, Mom...you're really SOMETHING".