ss_blog_claim=cd46ef178142ba5c793d6628c487d5ef The Stuff I Think: I Am Nothing.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

I Am Nothing.

At least that's the word, according to my five year old. Now, I know she didn't mean anything by it. My daughter loves me. Let me set this up.

We're in the car and she starts asking me about the "apple pie party" that she had with her school last October. It was held at a restaurant that's owned by the parents of one of the little girls in her class. So, she proceeded to go over it all in her head. "Sage's mom owns a restaurant. Bubbie's mom is a teacher. You're nothing."

NOTHING?!?!?! Does dedicating the last 5 years of my life to the health, happiness and welfare of my most precious gift not count for anything? I realize that she didn't mean it that way. She merely meant that I don't have a "job", in the paycheck drawing sense. But, am I truly nothing because of that? I made a conscious decision before she was born that I was going to stay at home as long as I possibly could, so that I wouldn't miss any of the little things and so that she wouldn't get confused and call her day care worker "Mommy". I wanted to be able to be there when she was sick and attend all her school functions, field trips, etc. I've devoted my life, since late 2002, to seeing that she eats all her vegetables and washes her hands after she goes to the bathroom or plays in the dirt. I've been there to wipe her nose and kiss her "bo-bos". But, is it enough? Does my daughter, subconsciously, think I'm "nothing"?

The very last thing in this world that I want is to be seen as a failure by my own daughter. She's the one person whose opinion matters to me and the one person that I'll go out of my way or alter myself to please. I know what makes me happy. I'm happiest when I'm able to be with my daughter and do things for her. I was happiest, this past school year, when there was a trip or a party or something and I was able to be there. I would see her face light up as soon as I'd arrive and I was convinced that I had made the right choice in not going back to work. How can that be nothing?

Don't get me wrong. I'm not mad at my daughter. I'm not blaming her or anything of the sort. I'm just worried that I've given her the wrong impression of me. I do not want to be "nothing" in the eyes of my child. I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I just want to be something that my daughter can grow up to be proud of. I want her to be able to look at me and say, "you know,'re really SOMETHING".

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