ss_blog_claim=cd46ef178142ba5c793d6628c487d5ef The Stuff I Think: Trip Home

Monday, July 16, 2007

Trip Home

I love going to Mississippi! I've been missing the heck out of it ever since we moved away in late 2003. Since then, I've been in Texas, gotten sick, lost my mind, moved to Louisiana, blah blah blah. I did, however, have an epiphany. I've been BEGGING Greg to move us back home and I just wonder if it's because I think I'll genuinely be happy there or because I'm hanging on to memories of a time in my life that I'll never be able to relive. I was SO happy in 2000-2003. I'm not sure I realized HOW happy, until it got to be 2007 and I realized that I'm sick and insane. Everything great happened to me between those years. I moved into my own apartment, got my first full time job, bought a brand new sports car, made great friends, went out clubbing, met Greg, got pregnant, got married, moved into a house, had the most beautiful baby girl EVER, and had my life together. I knew who I was.

So, here I am now...2007. I'm in Louisiana, which, in itself, isn't a TERRIBLE thing. But it's not "home", either. I have an "eating disorder" of some sort and haven't had a meal since 2004. I feel like I've lost control of my life. I no longer know who I am or what makes me happy. I haven't been genuinely "happy" in a long time and there's no one to blame for that. For awhile, I tried to blame it on my husband. But, it's not his fault. He's a great husband and father and I'd be lost without him. Then, I tried to blame it on my daughter, indirectly. But, as difficult as being a mom is and as much as I didn't expect and thought I didn't want it, I've come to realize that she's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I didn't realize what I was made of until she screamed her way into my life! I've tried to blame it on Texas, but moving there was only part of the problem. It definitely contributed, but the issue is ultimately mine. I've been through so much in my 28 years, and I know that there are people who have been through more and I have nothing but respect for them. But, everyone has a different breaking point and I hit mine in 2004, when I moved away from the majority of my support system. No one's fault, but it's MY job to get myself out. So, those of you who have a belief in the Big Man Upstairs, please say a prayer for me!

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