It is officially "Father's Day" and I have thoughts.....I am going to get those thoughts out for my own therapeutic purposes, so if you don't care, don't read it...
I miss having my daddy. The sad reality of that is, I don't even know for sure if I miss HIM or just miss having my daddy. Because so much of my youth is a blur at this point and I really don't remember my daddy or my mother as well as I wish I did, but I certainly know that I wish I had them. I wish I could wake up every day knowing that I was somebody's "Number One". I know the intense love I have for my own daughter and I wish there was somebody out there who loved ME like that, or that I could even remember a time when someone did. I wish I could remember ANY history about who I am or where I came from. But, the fact is, I can't. I, at age 42, have almost NO concept of unconditional love and only understand it as being something that I've spent my entire adult life searching for and can't seem to find. To that end, I am unfulfilled. I'm guilty of jealousy and bitterness because, while I have accepted the fact that I don't have "true" love in my life, I'm never going to like it. Yes, I know that there are people who "love" me.....and, for that, I am incredibly grateful....but you know the kind of love I'm talking about. The kind of love where they would drop anything and everything to be where you are if you needed them. The kind of love where they do the "little things" for you just because they want to make your day better....the kind of love where you're thought of on a daily basis and they let you know it.....the kind of love that you just HAVE as a birthright and don't have to fight tooth and nail for. The kind of love that I have for my daughter where I AM her biggest fan and NOTHING she could ever do will change that. The kind of love that I watch other people take for granted.
But I'll never find it. I will spend the remainder of my life reaching towards an impossible goal and knowing that, no matter what relationship I'm in, one misstep will screw it up. The best I can ever hope for is a partner who cares and tries to understand (or at least fakes it) and who will step up and be "my person" and love me when I hurt, making me feel safe and secure in our situation. I've almost given up on that, as well.
