ss_blog_claim=cd46ef178142ba5c793d6628c487d5ef The Stuff I Think: April 2012

Monday, April 30, 2012

Heaven Help Me

Why do days go by so much faster the older we get?  I wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that, the older you get, the worse you feel and the more often you pray for the sweet release of death??  Or maybe you don't WANT to die, so the swiftness in which the years pass are just a cruel joke being played by the "powers that be"?  Either way, my dang birthday is coming up and I am not overly enthused about it!  I have very little appreciation for increasing numbers, unless they're in my bank account!  Sadly, that's the one that doesn't seem to be creeping up at an exponential rate!  My age, yes....the scale, yes...the number of gray hairs on my head, yes....ugh!!  I'm usually torn because, anyone who knows me or pretends to pay attention, knows that my biggest two fears are getting old and NOT getting old.  My own mother died at 32, leaving two young daughters behind.  The last thing I want to do is leave my daughter before she's old enough to fend for herself. 

It's really not the numbers that bother me so much.  I just know that at some point, the numbers I have behind will be greater than the average of numbers I could possibly have left.  I can only imagine how depressing that is.  And, then there's all the awesome things that happened when my "numbers" were lower that I can never go back and relive.  I feel like I've wasted a lot of my time on this planet and, holy crap, I just found the root of my problem!!  So, backing up, I don't think I'd be so antsy about my upcoming birthday if I felt like I had accomplished ANYTHING with the number of years I've had so far....hmmmm...I suppose only I can do anything about that...now I'm rambling....