Father's Day Musings

 It is officially "Father's Day" and I have thoughts.....I am going to get those thoughts out for my own therapeutic purposes, so if you don't care, don't read it...

I miss having my daddy. The sad reality of that is, I don't even know for sure if I miss HIM or just miss having my daddy. Because so much of my youth is a blur at this point and I really don't remember my daddy or my mother as well as I wish I did, but I certainly know that I wish I had them. I wish I could wake up every day knowing that I was somebody's "Number One". I know the intense love I have for my own daughter and I wish there was somebody out there who loved ME like that, or that I could even remember a time when someone did. I wish I could remember ANY history about who I am or where I came from. But, the fact is, I can't. I, at age 42, have almost NO concept of unconditional love and only understand it as being something that I've spent my entire adult life searching for and can't seem to find. To that end, I am unfulfilled. I'm guilty of jealousy and bitterness because, while I have accepted the fact that I don't have "true" love in my life, I'm never going to like it. Yes, I know that there are people who "love" me.....and, for that, I am incredibly grateful....but you know the kind of love I'm talking about. The kind of love where they would drop anything and everything to be where you are if you needed them. The kind of love where they do the "little things" for you just because they want to make your day better....the kind of love where you're thought of on a daily basis and they let you know it.....the kind of love that you just HAVE as a birthright and don't have to fight tooth and nail for. The kind of love that I have for my daughter where I AM her biggest fan and NOTHING she could ever do will change that. The kind of love that I watch other people take for granted.

But I'll never find it. I will spend the remainder of my life reaching towards an impossible goal and knowing that, no matter what relationship I'm in, one misstep will screw it up. The best I can ever hope for is a partner who cares and tries to understand (or at least fakes it) and who will step up and be "my person" and love me when I hurt, making me feel safe and secure in our situation. I've almost given up on that, as well.

Happy Birthday, Curley!!

**I found this in my drafts today.....I wrote it on my Daddy's 57th birthday, which was June 15, 2009....so it's pretty old, and I'm not sure why I never posted it, but, for the most part, it's still relevant**


Most anyone who reads this knows me well enough to know that I was a "Daddy's Girl" and that my daddy was abruptly taken away from me on November 4, 1995, when I was only 16 years old. But, what you may or may not know is that today would have been his 57th birthday. It's hard to imagine my father knocking on 60's door, but I really wish I could. I wish I could have Alyssa bake him a special "Happy Birthday Grandpa" cake and have her to sing to him before she gave him the Harley t-shirt she picked out all by herself, because anyone who knew my dad knows that that would be EXACTLY what he wanted!! But, life had other plans for me and my daughter. We won't get to wish him the typical "Happy Birthday", because, where he is, he'll never get any older. Regardless of how many times we pass June 15, Curley will always be 43 years old.

A little background--my parents met in 1975 and got married June 4, 1977. Since my mother passed away when I was 10, I don't remember much about their relationship, firsthand, but I do know the mess my father was after she was gone. He managed to pull it together to the point that his children didn't readily recognize his pain, but now that I'm an adult and can think back and analyze things in a way I was incapable of as a child, I can see that he never fully got over her. It was the kind of love that people search for. Another thing that anyone who knew my daddy could tell you is that, no matter where life took him after her death, he was never the same person and he always longed for her.

I always seem to dwell on what I'm missing by not having him in my life any longer. It's never dawned on me, until right now, that it's not all about me. Granted, my father didn't take his own life--he wouldn't have done that--and I know he didn't WANT to die. He loved me and he loved my sister with a fierceness that I only hope I can mirror for my own daughter. I'm grateful to have been loved like that when there are so many uncaring fathers out there. So, am I being selfish to wish he were here? Shouldn't I be happy that he was reunited with my mother and has been living in a better place for the past 13 1/2 years?

I often say (on those silly surveys and what-have-you) that if I could bring anyone back from the dead, it would be my father...but would that be fair to him? Would he want to be resurrected into this life where he can return to feeling the pain of my mother's loss? I highly doubt it. It's not that the love of his two daughters and granddaughter wouldn't be enough--I believe it would be. But, we're old enough now to take care of ourselves and likely wouldn't need him as much as we had, anyway. So, he would, once again, be lost and racked with grief. I'm not 100% sure I'd do that to him, even if I could...but, since I can't, it's a moot point anyway, right?

There are a million things that I wish I could say to him and a million things I wish he had been here to see. I'm still brought to tears whenever it hits me that I'll never see him on this earth again. I'll never hear the sound of his Harley pulling up in the driveway. I'll never hear him fuss at me because my room is a wreck. I'll never hear him joke about how I'm "not allowed to date until I'm married". We'll never go out to eat Mexican food again and he'll never go with me to shop for new clothes. He never got to teach me how to change the oil in my car or change a flat tire. Those were things on his "to-do" list that he left behind.

I have very little more than pictures to remind me of him. I can't remember his voice anymore or the way he smelled after he'd been out in his shop, working on his Harley. I remember his favorite songs and I remember amusing anecdotes, but I can't remember what he sounded like when he laughed at them. I remember how, even when I was a teenager, he would hold my hand as we walked into a store or wherever and say that they "still fit". I didn't really get it until I had my own daughter to hold hands with. I think if I'd known he was going to leave me, I would have taken pictures of his hands, so at least I could remember them. I bet they'd "still fit".

My father was truly my best friend and I think about him every day. I miss him every day that I breathe and, as long as I live, no matter where I am or who comes in and goes, he will ALWAYS be the most important man I've ever had in my life.



I love you, Daddy...I hope you have a Happy Birthday...say Hi to Mama for me! :)

4am Musings

Yes, I was, once again, up at 4:00 this morning. For some reason, when the house gets quiet is when my thoughts come up to haunt me. This morning was no exception. So, as a means to release my tension, I broke out a pen. Here's what I came up with:

There's a place where dreams end and reality begins. If you're lucky, the two are so similar that you hardly notice the transition. However, if you're me, the jolt of crossing between real and make believe is anything but subtle.

In my dreams, everything is as it should be. I'm not hungry or sad or sick or depressed. In my dreams, there are plenty of people in my life that I can count on and no one would ever lie to me or take advantage of me.

But, the reality is harshly different. Here, no one cares. I struggle for every blessing I receive and constantly look over my shoulder while trying to decipher between fact and fiction.

When I dream, I close my eyes and everything is as it seems. There are no false pretenses and everyone I come in contact with is genuine. No one hurts me in my dreams.

However, in my real world, the opposite is true. The stories are ever changing. First it is, then it isn't. First they have it, then they don't. First they're there for you, then they aren't. You have no idea how I tire of all the variances.

My longing is for my fantasies and my realities to somehow collide. I want to keep what's mine and never have to second guess what I hear. I'm ready for the truth to overcome the lies and to get back what was unjustly taken from me. I'm ready to stop being someone's victim and release my inner bitch! No one wrongs me in my dreams and I'm ready for it to cease in my reality as well.

I will no longer be your victim! I will stand up for MY rights as well as the right of my daughter, who is the one person who remains constant, regardless of my level of lucidity. She has never let me down and I will not further disappoint her!

Don't Hate Me Because....oh, wait....You Can....It's Cool.....

I am a horrible person....I'm horrible, I know it, and I don't really care.  I mean, I CARE, but there's nothing I can do about it (not that I've found, anyway), so what would be the point of caring????  I realize that made no sense, but I'm getting to a point.  I have realized, in my old age, that I'm growing intolerant.

There are just certain types of people I can't tolerate:

1. Entitled people--These are the people who think that the world, their parents, their siblings, the government, random strangers, etc, ALL owe them some debt of gratitude JUST for being born.  These will be your people who sit at home all day, drawing welfare checks, food stamps, medicaid, etc with no intention of getting a job and justify it with "my dad (mom) paid into it, so I'm just getting what they put in".  And, that, my dear, would be WRONG!!  Dad (or mom) paid in, so YOU should get off your sweet ass and get a J-O-B (oh, the horror!) and let dad (or mom) reap the benefits of their hard earned tax dollars....but, they likely won't, because they're decent people...too bad THAT apple didn't fall closer!

2. Self-righteous people--These will be the ones who are forever pointing out YOUR faults while seemingly overlooking any of their own....also known as hypocrites. They think "I don't want you in my life because you did (insert cardinal sin here) and I would NEVER do a thing like that, so you suck and I'm perfect".  If you want to spot one of these, ask around for people who have ousted family members with little to no "just" cause, other than "you hurt my feelings when I was 12 and you were 16 and 22 years just isn't long enough for me to get over it!"

3. Blamers--The mantra here is "it ain't my fault".  "Did my life turn out worse than someone else's?  Well, it's not because of MY choices, it's just because they were 'lucky' and I wasn't."  Always an excuse....always someone (or something) else to blame to defer responsibility and avoid having to own up to the consequence of an action.  These will be the same ones with kids who are seven shades of screwed up, who, rather than saying, "I might could have taught them values or been around for them more", will say "well, I didn't have the money when they were growing up that other people had" or "if he'd had TWO parents instead of a broken home, he might have turned out better"....well, folks, "luck" didn't make Bill Clinton, son of a single mom (once widowed, once divorced from a man who was a gambling drunk), into our 42nd President.  "Luck" also had little to do with Oprah Winfrey, who was born into poverty in backwoods Mississippi, EARNING a scholarship to college (even after getting pregnant at 14) and becoming one of the most successful women ever.  Billy Bob Thornton, Jay-Z, Walt Disney, and, the list goes on, really....for every excuse someone can come up with for their failures, there is at least ONE person who was strong enough to rise above that same circumstance (and  usually worse ones) and become a success story, rather than a statistic. If you fail at life, or if your kids fail at life, there's really no one to blame but the person who wasn't strong enough or dedicated enough or smart enough to change their stars.  No one's path is predetermined and if you think it is, then you've already failed.  If you accept your life as "it is what it is", then it'll never get better, but you can't blame anyone but yourself for settling for less.  Suck it up and either own your mediocrity or work to change it!!

4. Braggers--On the opposite end of the spectrum, are the people whose parents DID have money and they feel that this makes them "better", somehow, than the person who didn't grow up affluent.  Granted, there are certain opportunities that are afforded to people with more money....that's a given.  But, that doesn't automatically mean that your life will turn out better or that you're superior to a person who has achieved the same level of success as you but actually had to WORK for it, rather than have it handed to them because of "daddy's influence".  Decisions still have to be made and consequences (good or bad) still have to be faced, regardless of having money or not.

5. Closed-Minded People--Just because you have a way of doing things doesn't make it the "right" way and certainly not the "only" way.  Just because you don't like something, doesn't mean that it's "crap" to the people who do.  There's a reason for chocolate and vanilla and that reason is pretty easily comprehended (by someone of average intelligence, anyway)....it's VERY possible for two people to not like exactly the same things and neither person be "wrong"!  What a remarkable concept!!  I don't like rap music, but I'm not going to tell someone they're "weird" because they do.  I don't understand Japanese anime, but this is my daughter's most recent obsession.  It took a minute for me to come to terms, but I now can express to her that, if that's what she's into for the moment, more power to her.  I will even watch an episode or two periodically, just so that I can get a feel for the tastes of my favorite human on the planet. I don't like watching TV much and I like corny westerns even less than that, but I have been known to sit through a few and not even complain (much).  It's always a good idea to broaden your spectrum just a little.  I like that I can tolerate just enough of other people's likes to where I can say I've experienced most things.  And don't even get me started on social issues!!!  I can't even begin to explain the exasperation I experience when a conservative blasts a liberal (and vice versa) over their opinion.  The only thing that accomplishes is fueling anger and hatred and makes both sides look like a couple of closed-minded douchebags.  My opinion is just that...and opinion....it's neither right or wrong (if it is, then it stops being opinion and starts being fact, which is a different topic, altogether).  Everyone has the basic right to express any opinions but if they can't do so in a way that is constructive and respectful, then I will exercise my right to ignore the hell out of them.  No need to fuel that fire!  It won't change a mind. You have to be adult enough to respect a difference of opinion and accept that your way isn't the only way!  Common sense, people!

We all have our faults and personality "quirks" and we can ALL be any one of those things in a moment.  It's they stop being occasional lapses in good sense and start becoming "who you are" that it's a serious problem.  Please don't let these toxic traits become you!!

$35????

I've been told, as recently as this morning, that I "have problems" and I'm "crazy"....and maybe I am.  I don't think this "news" is as heartbreaking to me as is the fact that the people who so callously point this out to me don't bother to dig deep to try to understand.  So, here it is: Yes, I'm cynical.  Yes, I'm bitter.  Yes, I'm angry and depressed and, yes, those things manifest into the negativity that comes out of my mouth, apparently pretty regularly.  But, ask yourself WHY?  WHY am I like I am?  WHY am I "crazy"?  I'll tell you.  Because I'm hurting....every day.  I hurt because of what I've lost and what I never had.  I hurt because I don't understand.  I can't make sense of how a God who loves me would pick such a horrific life for ME.  What did I do that was so wrong?  I know that many of you are, in your heads, giving me the whole "God loves you" and "everything happens for a reason" and "we aren't meant to understand" and "everybody has troubles" and all the things I've heard all my life, ad nauseam.  I want to go on record as saying I KNOW those things.  I'm not a selfish person and I already know that "others have it so much worse" than me.  I KNOW that!  Knowing that, however, doesn't tend to make me feel any better.  There isn't a day that passes that I don't miss my precious Daddy and wish I could even remember my mother.  I have, as a full grown adult, been on my knees, begging God to bring either one of them back to me for 5 minutes, even though I know full well that that isn't possible.  I need them.  I needed them at 10 and 16, when they were cruelly taken from me.  I needed them at 18, when I graduated high school and needed a direction.  I needed them at 22, when I found myself pregnant even though I knew better and struggled with various decisions as a consequence.  I needed them at 25, when my depression finally gave way to a 5 year struggle with an eating disorder.  I needed them at 29, when I was thrust into a web of lies, deceit and poverty and couldn't see a way out.  I needed them at 35, when I finally got the courage to make a step towards a better life for myself and my daughter.  And I need them today, at 38, so I won't be alone in this world.

Let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was a 10 year old little girl.  This little girl had a wonderful life with two loving parents and a little sister.  There were dance lessons and birthday parties and pretty homemade dresses and big family Christmases and vacations every summer.  After a few years, the little girl's mother wasn't feeling very well, so the little girl's grandfather urged her mother to go to the doctor to find out what the problem was.  Mother balked at the idea, saying that it was going to cost her $35 to go and it just wasn't worth spending the money....it would pass.  But, it didn't pass, so after awhile, she was forced to go to the doctor.  But, by then it was too late.  It was cancer and it had spread.  Back in those days, medicine wasn't quite as advanced as it is today and not as much could be done.  So, this little girl's super smart, insanely talented,  loving, devoted mother was taken from the world after only 32 years.  Not too many years later, her father was also taken suddenly, at only 43, leaving the girl, now a teenager, and her younger sister alone. Years passed, mistakes were made, ties were severed, and sisters no longer speak.  The once "little" girl, now grown, has a daughter of her own who has no grandma, no grandpa, and no aunt.  It's not the end of the world for them, and she knows that, but there's a certain sadness that looms over her for what "should have been".....and all might have been prevented for a measly $35 doctor visit.

I said all that to say this: I don't want pity.  I don't want anybody to EVER feel sorry for me.  I just want people to understand!  I'm not bitchy and difficult because it makes me happy to be that way.  I don't want to bring others down or "drown" them.  I want people to stop and think before they call someone "crazy" or tell them to "get over it" (they probably would have already done that if it were that easy).  I want them to realize that, while they might think they would handle it differently, and maybe they would have, I am constantly suffering.  I don't grieve every day and I don't dwell on my lost parents or anything else.  But, there's just no way you can face so much so young and bear the brunt of it alone and come out undamaged.  People need to have compassion and realize that everybody is affected by tragedy in different ways.  Some come through relatively unscathed, others live with the pain every day and, still others don't know HOW to deal with the pain and will either choose to numb the pain with drugs and/or alcohol or some other "coping mechanism, or they will chose to end the pain altogether the only way they know how and end their own life.  Who am I (or you) to judge someone for the way they hurt, even if they don't (didn't) handle it the same way as you or someone you know who went through the same situation? 

My entire point is, be compassionate.  At the very least, if you can't say something to uplift another human being, at least don't be the reason they fall further.  Keep your mouth shut.  It's that simple!

It's been a LOOOOOOONG Time.....

....three years, it seems.  So many thing have happened, so many relationships lost and so many discovered or rediscovered.  I won't go into all of that here, just suffice it to say that I'm okay.  It's been a long, difficult journey, but I'm okay.  I'm not sure what I intend to use this blog for at this stage in my life, but I do have every intention of revamping and keeping up with it to the best of my ability.  I would like to see it become something I can be proud of in years to come, but since my standards for myself are ever-changing, I can't make any guarantees on that.  For now, I will just brainstorm and try to come up with some way to make this as interesting and attractive as possible without offending TOO many people (and knowing my penchant for honesty, this will be quite the feat).  Stay tuned......

Tuesday Ponderings

1. State your name: Rebecca
2. State the name that your parents almost named you: Veronica
3. Which of your relatives do you get along with the most? my daughter
4. What was your first job? I was an office assistant at the power company
6. Did anything embarassing happen this week? Not that I recall....
7. Do you miss your ex? Not sure...haven't shot yet....haha!!
8. Do people praise you for your looks? Not much
9. What is your favorite color of clothing to wear? I don't really have a favorite
10. How do you wear your makeup? Um...very carefully???
11. What are some of your nicknames? Beck....Becka....Mommy....
12. How many bedrooms are in your house? 2
13. How many bathrooms? 1
14. Do you have a job? Motherhood is a full time job and I don't care what anyone else says!!
15. Do you get motion sickness? Any horror stories?  I don't, so no...no horror stories...
16. Do you work out every week? Um....
17. Did you brush your teeth this morning? Yep
18. Have you ever kissed someone you never saw again?  Hmm...probably....
19. Have you ever sang in front of a crowd?  Sure...used to live for it!
20. What kind of bathing suit do you wear?  I try not to....
21. Do you like your eyes? I suppose
22. Do you think you are pretty?  That depends on what day you ask....
23. Who was the last person you talked to in person? Lisa
24. How far can you throw a baseball?  From my hand to the spot it lands
25. Are you single?  I'm not
26. Do you want kids?  Most of the time....but I have her ALL the time, so I should get used to it!  :)
27. What eye color do you find sexiest? No particular color
28. What celebrity do you think is hot? Oh wow...Shemar Moore....Bradley Cooper....Matthew Gray Gubler...etc...
29. Last movie you saw in theatre: HA!  Michael Jackson: This Is It (yeah, it's been a minute)
30. Are you dating the same person you dated last year?  I'm not dating anyone....I'm married
31. Has someone you were dating ever cheated on you?  Probably, but I never could prove it...
32. Have you ever watched the Superbowl all the way through? Sure
33: Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’?  Yep
34: What do you like to do in your spare time?  Depends on my mood
35: Do you have a facebook?Yep
36: What’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you?  My daughter does cute things for me all the time
37: Who was the last person you texted? Tori
38: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have?  Not that many
39: How do you look right now?  Like nine shades of shit
40: Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? My daughter and my husband

Questioning It All

If there is a God in Heaven, He is sure as hell bound and determined to stay hidden from me.  I've gone through my entire life, all the loves and losses that define who I am, thinking all the while that it was part of some "master plan"...that I was somehow destined for wonderful things.  Now, at age 33, I am no closer to counting for anything than I was when I was 10....possibly less now, actually, because at least when I was 10 I had potential.  Meanwhile, I've prayed and prayed and prayed for God to make my life okay....not perfect....just okay...like everybody else's...and I can't even get that.  So either God is some huge joke someone made up to prove that humans are gullible, or He does exist and just doesn't give a damn about me...I'm honestly not sure which truth I prefer...

In Shock

So today, in a Connecticut town, 20 children woke up this morning, got dressed and went to school.  Their parents sent them off, confident that they'd have a great Friday and would see them when school got out.  At some point, a nutjob with a gun changed that plan.  He walked in to an elementary school, shot, and killed 20 children of various ages and 6 adults.  The children who survived will have to live with the horror of seeing their peers gunned down for no reason.  I am left to wonder, what can we do? People have turned this onto a political issue, some calling for tighter gun control and some defending the 2nd amendment rights they hold dear.  I honestly don't know what side I'm on, and it doesn't matter.  Tonight, I'm focusing my prayers on the families of the children who likely have gifts under the Christmas trees at their homes that will go unopened.  I will pray for the surviving children who will likely have their dreams interrupted by vicious nightmares that their heartbroken parents can't make go away. I will pray that, one day, we will be able to send our kids to school without having to fear that they'll never come home.  My hearts go out to all the people affected by this senseless tragedy.

Happy Mothers Day

Ordinarily I'm all about dissing Mothers Day.  It isn't because I'm ungrateful for the mother that I have or the child who made me a mother....I'm just eternally bitter because, on this day when everyone celebrates the woman who gave them life, I can't thank my own.  Most people are well aware that I lost my mother on January 5, 1990, when I was only 10 and she was just 32.  Cancer is an evil bitch!  It angers me that the God who loves me would rob me of the one person who was my biggest fan.  On the other hand, 12 years later, He gave me the very reason I exist in the form of Alyssa Frances.  The joy that I felt, and continue to feel, because of her is often dampened by the fact that I can't share my experiences and maternal breakthroughs with the woman who felt the same way about me.  I would give anything to be able to thank my mom for loving me unconditionally...for being there for my dance recitals and school parties...for throwing THE best birthday parties that the 80s ever saw....for taking care of me when I was sick...for helping me with my homework...for giving me the foundation to become the kind of mother I am today.  Am I a perfect mom?  No, absolutely not.  And, I'm sure she didn't feel she was either.  But I think she was.  I think she did the best she knew how to do and then some and that's all I could ask for.  I don't know what my feelings are regarding Heaven and the afterlife, but I'd like to believe that, one day, I'll be able to look her in the eyes and let her know that it took having one of my own, but I FINALLY understand!