The Stuff I Think

Loose Ends

2011-03-09T12:49:00.002-06:00

I am coming to the end of my days as a working girl...here, anyway. I'm sure I'll WORK....somewhere...just not sure where yet! Jobs aren't as easy to come by as they once were. I'd love something else in an office, like I've had here, but if I have to retail, I suppose I have to do what I have to do. I could always try to get somewhere I can sell things that are completely useless to me so I won't spend so much of my money at work. I could find a job selling car parts or mens ties or, perhaps, baby clothes. I would get to pocket a lot more my paychecks that way!

New Plan

2011-02-25T16:41:00.002-06:00

In light of my current "doughnut for breakfast daily" policy, I have spent much time on the internet, trying to decipher weight loss supplement reviews to find out which one would be right for me. I suppose the RIGHT thing would be to cut out my morning pastry, but that's just simply not going to happen. I should launch a formal complaint with my local Chevron--"Do not subject me to the temptation of chocolate covered, Bevarian creme filled doughnuts as I pump my gas". Think that might work???

New Project

2011-02-21T10:57:00.002-06:00

I have a new project at work. I will be putting a folder together of all of the inventory at all the parks in the city. I don't have to gather any of the information, only organize it. The problem I'm running into is finding the most efficient way to put it together. Makes me wish I had a WireBind machine so I could have exactly what I want. But, since I currently don't, I will have to use my imagination and come up with a way to catalog everything in a way that works. Wish me luck!!

Newfound Respect

2011-02-21T10:42:00.002-06:00

For reasons I won't go into, that people who are close and trusted will know, I have a newfound respect for the families of our military personnel overseas. I can't imagine being away from my husband for months, or longer, at a time, knowing that he's a million miles away, not being able to talk to him whenever I wanted to and having to pray every day that he'll come home safely! Those wives are stronger than I'll EVER be!! It reminds me to be thankful for my life, even as rocky and stressful as it can get. I have a beautiful 8 year old daughter, who IS my life, and a husband of almost 9 years, who I couldn't imagine having to live my life without. I know where they both are pretty much at all times and when I'm not with my husband, for whatever reason, I know that he's a phone call away. I will have military families in my prayers from now on!!

What's A Girl to Do?

2011-02-18T14:05:00.002-06:00

My shopping list keeps growing and growing the longer I sit and think about things. It started out that all I needed was shampoo and that list has now grown to shampoo, mascara, sleep aids, cotton balls, and more things, yet to be determined. I'll probably forget half of what I mean to get, but that'll teach me to actually write my list down next time, won't it? The thing is, even if I were to write it, the odds of me remembering to take it with me to the store would be slim, so I find there to be no point. That's why I'm so often a victim of impulse shopping--I have no list, so there's no method to my madness. I see it and I buy it. This isn't healthy for anyone, but less so for someone with a financial history like mine! Pray for me!!

Nip It.....Nip It In The Bud....

2011-02-18T12:16:00.003-06:00

People who know me well probably remember the time, between 2004 and about 2009, when I wouldn't eat ANYTHING but Cheez-Its, oatmeal, and Wheat Thin chips. Gone are those days, which is why I'm currently considering finding the most effective diet pills I can get my hands on. I'm a fan of being able to fit into my clothes, so I gotta nip this eating in the bud! Granted, I'm enjoying a greater variety than what I had back then, but that doesn't make my jeans fit better! I don't want to do anything dangerous, but a little control would be nice.

Complicated, Much?

2011-02-17T08:12:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I long for the days of simplicity...back when a copy machine made copies, a fax machine sent faxes, a scanner scanned pictures (or whatever) and a printer printed things off the computer. Granted, having four seperate machines took up a lot of space, but at least you didn't have to have a password to operate them. I've been at my job for about a month now and have JUST gotten the hang of the office printer/copier/scanner/fax machine they have here. It's a big monster of a machine that I have to enter a code into in order to do almost anything. I think, if I had my way, I would have all my full color printing done professionally to save me the hassle of messing up the machine and having to call the people to fix it! But, those decisions aren't mine and I have just about mastered the monster!! :)

Thursday Thirteen

2011-02-17T07:46:00.003-06:00

I'm sitting at work at 7:49am, all alone since there's a meeting that everyone else at work had to go to and I didn't (ah, the joys of being a temp!). This leaves me PLENTY of time to think about my Thursday Thirteen.

Years ago, I made the decision that when (and IF) I retire, I want to buy and RV and spend however long it takes visiting towns all over the US that have the oddest names I can find and have my picture taken by their sign (evidence, I suppose). So, here is a list of 13 of the places on my list...

1. Unalaska, Alaska
2. Hooker, Arkansas
3. Rough and Ready, California
4. Timbuctoo, California
5. No Name, Colorado
6. Between, Georgia
7. Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky
8. Boring, Maryland
9. Podunk, Michigan
10. Square Butt, Montana
11. Truth or Consequences, New Mexico
12. Idiotville, Oregon
13. Imalone, Wisconsin

Word Of The Day

2011-02-16T13:32:00.002-06:00

I like to learn a new word everyday, preferrably as it applies to my life (meaning that I read or hear a word that I don't understand so I make it my business to become knowledgeable). Today's word is hydroponics, which is defined as "a method of growing plants using mineral nutrient solutions, in water, without soil" (per Wikipedia). I was unfamiliar with this, so, as you can see, I looked it up. It seems like a very interesting concept. It means, essentially, that vegetation can thrive without using soil as a nutrient reservoir. Using nutrient solutions without soil also causes the plant to grow faster and yield greater results, not to mention the fact that, by using less water than soil-grown plants, it's better for the environment as well. This is definitely something to look into further!

Working Girl?? Suuuuuure.....

2011-01-25T10:32:00.002-06:00

So, as I type this, I'm sitting at work....yeah, I said it....WORK! I'm currently working for the city in the Parks and Recreation department. But, don't freak out...I'm just a temp! :) I've never been one to put down roots, but getting a paycheck is nice, so here I am! It's not a difficult job, not stressful, nothing like that....easy peasy! These next 6-8 weeks won't be so bad!

Blah Blah Blah

2011-01-18T10:02:00.003-06:00

Can you fill this out without lying? You've been tagged, so now you need to answer all the questions HONESTLY. At the end, choose at least 8 people to be tagged. Don't forget to tag me! To do this, copy this entire message, then go to "notes" under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, delete my answers, and type yours.

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Dr. Pepper

2.Where was your profile picture taken? Melissa and "Andy-Drew's" apartment

3.Can you play Guitar Hero? I think I might have tried once....I was pretty ungood....

4.Name someone who made you laugh today? Seth Meyers...I was watching SNL....

5.How late did you stay up last night and why? I went to bed around 10:45, but I laid awake until no telling when because I couldn't sleep

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Certainly

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? Probably.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Kelly and Chuckie

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends? Sure

11. When was the last time you cried really hard? Hasn't been long ago

12. Who took your profile picture? Either Melissa or "Andy-Drew"

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? Alyssa, no doubt

14. Was yesterday better than today? No worse, at this point

15. Can you live a day without TV? I have before...it's not that important to me

16. Are you upset about anything? Almost always

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Absolutely!

18. Are you a bad influence? I don't think so....most of my friends are past the point of being influenced.

19. Night out or night in? Night in, definitely...with my daughter and husband, watching TV or doing something fun

20. What items could you not go without during the day? caffeine....Prilosec...

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I don't remember, actually...but I need to go see Grandpa

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? Something about making a phone call to the DMV

23. How do you feel about your life right now? I think life sucks a tough nut, but steps are being taken to improve it and we can only go up from here....

24. Do you hate anyone? Hate is a strong word...I find "apathy" to be more suitable.

25. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find? Old messages....

26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? Most definitely.

27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? Why would anyone do that????

28. What song is stuck in your head? I don't think I have one at the moment...praise Jesus!

29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? Ordinarily, I would say Ed McMahon, but considering that he's dead, I think that would be bad....who's giving out the gigantic checks now???

30.Wanna have grandkids by the time you're 50? Hmmm....when I'm 50, Alyssa will be in her late 20s, so I guess I'd be okay with that....

31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? continue my job search...and probably do the laundry I will flake out on tonight

32. Do you think too much or too little? I think too much about insignificant things and things that upset me and too little on things that matter

33. Do you smile a lot? Honestly? No, not really....but I'd like to change that...

Does Anyone Still Read My Crap????

2010-10-07T07:23:00.002-05:00

What name do you go by most often?
Rebecca

Is that your real name or a nickname?
That would be my real name

Has your birthday come yet this year?
Yep

Where is your mom right now?
My beliefs tell me Heaven

What were you doing at 4pm?
When? Yesterday? I was about to leave to go to the mall.

Are you a good speller?
For the most part

Who was the last person to give you a 'high-five'?
Alyssa

Would you consider yourself a shy person?
Not generally, but I have my moments

Can you play the guitar?
I used to be able to play Yellow Submarine, but, no...

Three things you ate today?
nothing

What did you do last Sunday?
Celebrated Alyssa turning 8 :)

How many orange shirts do you own?
Not many, if any at all...I hate orange!

Are you currently taking any prescription medications?
Not right this second...give me a few days, though...

Do you like skim milk?
As much as I like any milk, I guess

How did you bring in the New Year?
I have no idea...I probably slept through it...

Are you missing anyone right now?
Always

If you could relive one moment in the past week what would it be?
Nothing I can think of....

If you could spend 30 minutes with someone who is gone, who would you pick?
Hmmm....my mom, maybe? Or my daddy....

Biggest mistake to date?
Wow...I would prefer to NOT relive that one!

Where did you go to grade school at?
Oak Hill Academy and Calvary Christian School

Have you ever lived in Tennessee?
Nope

Idaho?
nope

Nebraska?
nope

Maryland?
nope

Texas?
yep...for 2 years

Does anyone in your family smoke?
just my husband and my in-laws

How many of the people you live with are over 21?
one

Who do you wish you could talk to right this moment?
I can think of several people

How many clocks are in the room you are in?
none

Do you use MSN messenger?
nah

What time will it be in 6 hours?
1:30

Have you kissed anyone in the last week?
just my daughter

Do you enjoy classic rock?
some of it

Have you ever been told you looked like someone famous?
yeah, but that was forever ago!

Are you anemic?
probably...

At Christmas, do you have a fake or a real tree?
fake...I have considered going real this year, though

Do you usually go watch fireworks on the 4th of July?
sometimes

Do you remember when the game Oregon Trail was really popular?
nope

Does anyone have your heart?
Absolutely

What did you do last Valentine's Day?
not a damn thing

Can you count to 20 in any other language?
yep

How old were you in 2001?
22

In 1973, how many years was it until you were born - or were you born?
6

Have you ever had a crush on someone, and found out they liked your friend?
probably

Have you ever been liked by someone you didn't expect would like you?
yes

Who ended your last relationship?
Wow...that was 11 years ago, or longer...I think he did...

How do you feel about that?
eh...whatever!

Do Mondays get you down?
not any more so than any other day

How long have you been at your current job?
8 years last Sunday

Have you ever been fired?
not per se...

How many times have you been pulled over by the cops?
just once, but he let me go cause he said he got the wrong car...moron!

What is your mood like right now?
eh...alright, I guess

Where did you go today?
nowhere...too damn early!!

Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now?
not that I know of....

Do you cut the crusts off your sandwiches?
no

Do you prefer sweet or unsweetened tea?
sweet

Who did you last embarrass yourself in front of?
no idea...

Would you rather meet the president or win $500 dollars from the lottery?
Who would rather meet Obama than win money?? Duh!!

What was the reason you last smiled?
I wish I could remember

Finish the Sentence

My hair is: currently in a ponytail.

I wish I was: asleep.

The only thing I can't stand: would be misleading, because there are a MILLION things I can't stand!

Someday I am going to: be happy again.

I couldn't live without: my daughter.

I hate when: things in my life go horribly wrong.

I love it when: I get what I want.

Sometimes I can be: a real bitch....or so I hear...

I am not interested: in being awake any more!

Thursday Thirteen

2010-10-07T06:53:00.002-05:00

It is just incredibly early, but I suppose I could try to write something here that makes sense. I would hate to forget to do my Thursday Thirteen simply because I hate mornings with a passion....so, in an attempt to get my day off to a POSITIVE start, I think I should call this:

13 Things I LOVE:

1. Spending time with my daughter--any parent knows that it would be impossible to put a price tag on quality time with your kids. My daughter is the only true reason I have for being alive and I try not to take that for granted.

2. Being warm when the weather outside is freaking freezing--the weather has started getting colder, especially early in the morning, and I despise cold weather, so I can appreciate the feeling of being inside a warm house, under a warm blanket (or my beloved Snuggie), drinking some hot chocolate, knowing that, if I were outside, I could be frostbitten.

3. Shopping--this is particularly true when I have money in my pocket, or my purse, if you will. I went last night to get a few more school clothes for Alyssa and I just love the feeling of walking around the mall, carrying bags, and looking at things I can actually own!! Retail therapy is awesome!

4. Getting surprise gifts for no reason--this need not be an extravagant gift. I just enjoy being thought of from time to time. It really makes no difference what the gift is...or whether or not it would even be called a gift. I am generally perfectly happy when someone brings me a Mountain Dew Voltage from the store, simply because that means that, for the brief moment that they were standing in the store in front of the cooler, I was on their mind. Starved for affection, much??

5. Sleeping through the night--I have a child and I have insomnia, so getting to sleep for 6-8 hours, uninterrupted, is something that seldom happens. There even comes a point when my beloved Tylenol PMs are useless. It sucks, too, because sleeping as always been one of my favorite things to do!

6. Diving into a project--Earlier this week, my project was birthday party invitations and, although I will sometimes shout expletives when things go all chaotic, the truth is, it makes me feel good to know that I have something to do with my time.

7. a day without acid reflux--anyone plagued with acid reflux will understand how awesome it is to go through a day without that kind of pain. And, believe it or not, I actually DO get days when I can eat semi-normally without regretting anything other than the potential weight gain!

8. Xanax--and that would be all I intend to say about that!

9. Christmas--an expensive holiday, but still my favorite. I mainly love the decorations that come along with Christmas. I love to put my tree up and always look forward to adding ornaments every year. It tends to be a bittersweet holiday, because I always wish my parents were around to spend it with us, but I can look at Alyssa and see how much SHE enjoys it and that makes it okay.

10. Entertainment countdowns--I think I have an addiction to those shows on E! and VH1 where they count down the 20 Most Horrific Plastic Surgeries and stuff like that.

11. The last day of the school year--again, my daughter is my best friend and, even at the age of 31, I get excited when I realize that school is out and she will have three months to spend at home with me! :)

12. Wearing new clothes--this is especially true when the clothes are a smaller size than the last new clothes I wore...not that that ever happens, but I sure would love it!

13. The fact that I was able to come up with 13 things to love--it was tough, because my life pretty much blows chunks, but I did it and now I LOVE that this is over!! :)

Bored and Going To Bed

2010-10-05T23:16:00.002-05:00

Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
--closed

Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotel?
--not usually, no

Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
--in

Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
--no

Do you like to use post-it notes?
--I never cared much

Do you cut out coupons but then never use them?
--all the time....it verges on obsession!!

Would you rather be attacked by a big bear or a swarm of a bees?
--are you kidding??

Do you have freckles?
--a few

Do you always smile for pictures?
--yeah, usually

What is your biggest pet peeve?
--I have SO many!!

Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
--no

Have you ever peed in the woods?
--what happens at drunken parties STAYS at drunken parties!! :)

What about pooped in the woods?
--no

Do you ever dance even if theres no music playing?
--not really

Do you chew your pens and pencils?
--no

How many people have you slept with this week?
--one

What is your Song of the week?
--not sure I have one

Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
--sure

Do you still watch cartoons?
--sometimes, but usually when Alyssa wants to watch SpongeBob...unless Family Guy is on

Whats your least favorite movie?
--I have a ton...

Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
--I would tell you, but then I would have to kill you...

What do you drink with dinner?
--usually water or sweet tea

What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
--depends on where the nugget is from (seriously)...Chick-Fil-A nuggets are dipped in Polynesian sauce...the ones grandma makes are dipped in honey mustard, and all others are ketchup....

What is your favorite food?
--chicken, cheese, and potatoes...and if they are all together, even better!

What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
--Forrest Gump...Walk the Line...Zack and Miri Make A Porno...

Last person you kissed/kissed you?
--I kissed Alyssa goodnight...does that count?

Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
--no

Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
--if I had the body for it, I might....

When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
--I think I was 12

Can you change the oil on a car?
--no, but I can take it to the mechanic to do it for me

Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
--no, knock wood

Ran out of gas?
--oh yeah...

Favorite kind of sandwich?
--turkey and cheese

Best thing to eat for breakfast?
--depends on my mood....

What is your usual bedtime?
--not early enough!

Are you lazy?
--we all can be

When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
--really?? I was Oscar the Grouch, the Queen of Hearts, Madonna, Cyndi Lauper, a biker whore, all kinds of things....

What is your Chinese astrological sign?
--I have no idea

How many languages can you speak?
--is sarcasm a language? If not, one...

Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
--not at the moment...I quit reading them

Which are better legos or lincoln logs?
--I personally have no preference

Are you stubborn?
--I can be

Who is better...Leno or Letterman?
--Leno

Ever watch soap operas?
--oh yeah...LOVE my soaps, if something cool is going on

Afraid of heights?
--a little

Sing in the car?
--all the time

Dance in the shower?
--no

Dance in the car?
--sometimes

Ever used a gun?
--yep

Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?
--1998, maybe?

Do you think musicals are cheesy?
--some are

Is Christmas stressful?
--certain elements are

Ever eat a pierogi?
--yep

Favorite type of fruit pie?
--hmmmm...probably apple

Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?
--Miss America, an Olympic ice skater, an obstetrician....

Do you believe in ghosts?
--not sure on that

Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?
--absolutely

Take a vitamin daily?
--no, but I have some to take when I think about it

Wear slippers?
--no

Wear a bath robe?
--sometimes...I have a great one!

What do you wear to bed?
--usually just a t-shirt

First concert?
--New Kids on the Block...shut up, I was 11 years old!!

Wal-Mart, Target or Kmart?
--I love some Target!

Nike or Adidas?
--neither

Cheetos Or Fritos?
--Cheetos

Peanuts or Sunflower seeds?
--peanuts

Ever hear of the group Tres Bien?
--not ringing a bell

Ever take dance lessons?
--yeah, when I was a kid

Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?
--sure...an Academy Award winning actor... :)

Can you curl your tongue?
--yes

Ever won a spelling bee?
--yep

Have you ever cried because you were so happy?
--not that I recall

Own any record albums?
--sure, somewhere

Own a record player?
--I think I still have one at my grandparents house

Regularly burn incense?
--no

Ever been in love?
--yes

Who would you like to see in concert?
--no one in particular

What was the last concert you saw?
--Vince Neil....damn, that was 2001! Been a minute!

Hot tea or cold tea?
--cold

Tea or coffee?
--tea

Sugar or snickerdoodles?
--either

Can you swim well?
--well enough to POSSIBLY not drown

Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?
--sure

Are you patient?
--not very

DJ or band, at a wedding?
--never thought about it

Ever won a contest?
--sure

Ever have plastic surgery?
--nope

Which are better black or green olives?
--gag me!!

Can you knit or crochet?
--nope

Best room for a fireplace?
--living room

Do you want to get married?
--I am

If married, how long have you been married?
--8 1/2 years

Who was your HS crush?
--I had a few ;)

Do you cry and throw a fit until you get your own way?
--I might if I thought it would work

Do you have kids?
--I have one

Do you want kids?
--not really, but I think people would talk if I got rid of her now! :) Totally kidding!!

Whats your favorite color?
--blue....and pink

Do you miss anyone right now?
--yes

Did you watch, Next Great American Band on FOX?
--never heard of it

All Set....FINALLY!!

2010-10-05T22:15:00.002-05:00

Well, I finally did it! I finally got everything set for the birthday party. Yes, I realize that her birthday was last Sunday and the party isnt until the 16th...Mommy has procrastination issues! But, the good news is, the party will be at a great place where the kids will have a blast and the invitations are to die for!! Now, the next issue is, what am I going to do about the cake? I can NOT make up my mind on the colors or the design. But, I will. I always do!

Aside from that, it is still gonna be a busy month. Not only have I JUST gotten over her actual birthday and still looking forward to the party, she has a school party tomorrow (for all the October birthdays), pizza day Friday, no school Monday, report cards and awards night Tuesday, a science project due the 15th, then the party, the Fall Festival on the 23rd, school picture retakes (which we WILL need), Halloween, the list goes on. Believe it or not, I actually enjoy staying busy with something to take my mind off of my life. October should be the month when I never cross my mind! :)

Thursday Thirteen (A Little Late)

2010-10-02T00:06:00.003-05:00

Okay, so I happen to be a little late, but, this has been a busy week...give me a break! As long as this blog has gone without being updated, I would think that complaining about lateness would be wasteful. Anyway, my daughter is turning 8 years old this weekend (Sunday, to be exact) so she has been the top thing on my mind...pretty much for the past 8 years, really, but particularly this week. So, my 13 that I had planned for Thursday, which I am finally getting to now, is:

13 Nicknames My Daughter Answers To

1. Lyssa---of course, with her name being Alyssa, this one kinda went without saying. Other derivatives include: Lyss, Lyssie, and Lyss-Priss.

2. Skeeter--my grandparents stuck her with this one at birth. It has been shortened further to Skeets and lengthened to Skeeterbug.

3. Tootie--one of my personal favorites. This one also has spin-offs, if you will, such as Toot, Toots, Tooter, and Tootie-Smurf.

4. Smurf--this is her current nickname from me. It was shortened from the above-mentioned Tootie-Smurf.

5. Squirt--Daddy uses this one mostly.

6. Papoose--she doesnt hear this one as often now as she did when she was under two. Rather than calling her The Baby, we chose to call her The Papoose....clever, eh?

7. Turd--I know, I know...I probably should rethink nicknaming my daughter after fecal matter, but it just kinda happened, ya know??

8. Sweet Pea--what father can say that they have never called their little girl Sweet Pea? In my usual fashion, I modified it and called her Peanut for a long time!

9. Cuddle Bug--I still call her this at 2am, when she crawls into my bed to snuggle.

10. Punkin--also very generic, but hey....

11. Poot--probably where Tootie originated...

12. Little Bit--not one of my favorites, but it comes out from time to time.

13. Tater--I have no idea where this came from....

There you have it....all the things I choose to call my daughter that nowhere resemble her actual given name (for the most part)...I hope she can avoid a complex!

Bored To Death....And What Else Is New?

2010-10-01T18:51:00.003-05:00

Where would you live if you could live anywhere in the world?
--Depends on what day you ask

Which animal do you feel you would be?
--hmmm...a house cat? Cats are pretty pampered

Who would you want to act in your movie?
--Never really thought about it

Who would you want to meet if you could meet anyone?
--Chum Lee...the guy from Pawn Stars...so retarded I think he could amuse me

If you could time travel, which time would you go to?
--a happy time

What superpower would you want if you could have one?
--that time travel thing sounded nice

Which celebrity do you have the biggest crush on?
--I honestly have no idea anymore

What color would you be?
--some shade of blue

What song represents your life?
--I seem to remember one by Beck, appropriately titled Loser

If you could be on a TV show which would it be?
--I have no idea

Which celebrity represents your fashion sense?
--none that I have ever seen

If they were making a movie about your life, what would it be called?
--there is no telling

If you got a tattoo, what would it be of?
--something generic, probably

Which accomplishment are you most proud of?
--my daughter is my only real accomplishment

What car best represents you?
--I think I would look hot in an Equinox

If you could resurrect one person, who would it be?
--tough call...either my mom or my dad

What would your first act as President be?
--give me a minute on that one....

What is your favorite music video?
--do they even still make those????

If you were on MTV’s Made, what would you ask to be?
--invisible...I would hate to be seen on something like that!!

Who is the hottest musician/singer/rapper?
--oh wow...um...probably Chris Daughtry...he comes to mind first, anyway

Who is the hottest TV reality star?
--do the dancers on DWTS count? If so, I would say Maks is the hottest!

Who is the hottest athlete?
--I really havent paid much attention

Who is the hottest actor/actress?
--I dunno...there are several that I think are hot...Bradley Cooper, for one....

What sport is representative of you?
--something brutal

What is the craziest thing you have ever done?
--I would tell you, but then I would have to kill you....

Which childhood memory do you miss the most?
--normalcy

Life Goals (aka--dreams that make me suicidal)

2010-08-11T18:13:00.002-05:00

There is nothing more depressing than having a goal and no idea how to make it attainable. I find myself hard pressed to come up with anything more annoying. I know exactly WHAT I want, I just lack the plan of action to make it happen. I want to own a house and one would think that, at 31, I would be closer to that goal than I am. I want to finish school. I went for three years, and it disgusts me to think that I stopped so short. In my defense, I was enrolled for fall of 2002, until I discovered that I would be lying in a delivery room shortly after the semester started. I felt at the time, that something else on my plate would interfere with my ability to be a new mom, so I decided not to go. I have been accepted to three different schools in three different states in the last 6 years or so, but have yet to actually set foot on a campus. I really dont know if its out of fear or indecisiveness, because I have no idea what I want to do.

Above all, I have a 7 year old daughter who needs to know that, no matter what happens, she will be taken care of. Where would my sister and I have been if my mom had been the breadwinner back in 1990? Luckily, my father had always been the one with the job, so we werent a financial mess after her death (not any more so than we had always been, anyway). My point is, I am unskilled and uneducated. If Greg died today, or up and left for some reason, Alyssa and I would be SOOO screwed. I can no longer be that dependent. I have to know that I am capable of supporting myself and my daughter should something happen to my husband. So, from now on, my focus is on that...bettering myself so that I no longer have to fear the future. Now, all I need is a plan.....

2010-08-05T16:59:00.001-05:00

So I'm trying out this whole "blogging from my phone" thing...seemed pretty conveniently awesome. We'll see!

February 16,1999

2010-07-29T19:54:00.003-05:00

Can anyone look at my face and tell
I am sinking into dispair?
I try to find a friend who cares
But everyone turns away.
So, I just sit alone and stare
And cry myself to sleep.
But, if I could, I would like to die
In perfect solitude.

The Time Has Come.....

2010-04-19T14:42:00.002-05:00

I've got to decide on something to do with my life. It was recently brought to my attention that I'm the only one out of all four of my grandparents' grandchildren to make a complete mess of her life. I'm the one who quit school. I'm the one who got knocked up out of wedlock. I'm the one who has done an entire plethora of things that most people don't even know about! But that will change! I don't know exactly what I want to do, though. At one time, I thought about getting a criminal justice degree. I think I might really enjoy work like that. Criminal justice is something that is needed so desperately in this country. There aren't enough people willing to dive into the system to make the world a safer place for my daughter and others in her generation. I would love to do my part to change that. The good thing is, a criminal justice degree can be obtained online, so I could, theoretically, go to school in my pajamas. How wonderful would that be for a stay at home mom?? I'm a huge fan of online college, so what am I waiting for?

Where Is This God?

2010-03-05T12:58:00.002-06:00

I have had a horrible time with religion lately. I cannot understand why the Lord giveth and then He taketh away....nor do I get why all this taking away seems to happen to ME! Every time something good happens that I THINK is going to make my life better (finally), it does not seem to last. I just could not possibly be more tired of getting my hopes up, only to have them dashed in defeat. Why can good things never happen to me? People might argue and say that I have a beautiful little girl and I completely agree with that. There is not a day that goes by when I am not thankful to God for giving her to me. But, what about taking care of her? Why would He give me such a precious gift and then take away my means of providing for her, without bothering to open a door for something else? I have certainly done enough praying for change and inspiration, but to no avail. I guess I just lack devine listening skills. I just cannot decide what I think about God and religion. I will always believe in the existance of God, no doubt about that. I could never be atheist. I just sometimes question whether or not He exists in the way that the Bible wants us to believe. Would a loving God blantantly ignore me when I get down on my knees, crying and begging merely for guidance to find the way to get my life back on track? And, lest we forget that I was orphaned at 16. Act of a loving God? I just am not sure anymore. I want to believe that God is up there and He watches over me and loves me. I want that more than anything. I just have very little to use as evidence of that fact. ALL I have is my daughter, and, although that IS huge, if I cannot be the mother she needs, then did God really love HER??

My Soapbox

2010-02-08T15:06:00.001-06:00

First of all, I would like to thank my true friends who stuck by me and didn't treat me as if my misfortune was a form of leprosy or like I'd been horribly disfigured in a freak "financial accident". I lost too many friends to count during the past year. A few tried to be supportive at the beginning, but I suppose the lost compassion. Or maybe they lost faith. I know I did. Either way, I found out quickly thta many of my friendships had "conditions". Like, as long as I had a nice car, a decent house, a well dressed child with more toys than any child truly needs, and my husband brought in a certain amount of disposable monthly income, I was considered "worthy" of their friendship. Well, screw that!!!

"Class" is not determined by the cars we drive or the clothes we wear. There are more important things than social status. Being "classy", in my opinion, isn't a matter of having everything we want in life, but how we react to the things life gives us that we DON'T necessarily want. It's also measured by our reactions to others' adversities. "Classy" isn't sitting idly by and "blessing someone's heart" when they have trouble. It's stepping in and doing whatever you can to help without feeling like you "halo" entitles you to something. Sometimes we don't get back what we give--that's life. We might not even get our reward here on Earth, in this life. But, rest assured, if your heart is in the right place, you'll get it!

So many just don't care. Or they worry about what their "hospitality" will cost THEM. They drop subtle hints about how put-out they are and how eternally grateful you should be. They don't realize that "charity" stops being "charitable" when you're constantly complaining about having to do it. I can't speak for all, but when someone calls himself "helping" me, but he's really just making me feel like less of a person for needing help in the first place, I'd rather he just leave me be. Heaven forbid you not get to buy your son yet another remote-controlled car because you gave a friend ten dollars to help her feed her kids. Or, imagine the travesty of doing without a beer or a pack of cigarettes in th ename of helping a down-on-his-luck co-worker get a prescription he needs. And, by all means, what will the neighbors say if you let a friend with nowhere to go spend a few days at your house?!?! Wouldn't want them to think you associate with poor people, would you??

I am tearfully proud that I am raising a daughter who would decide against buying a toy for herself, opting instead to donate her allowance (or her tooth fairy money) to help less fortunate children and their parents get a hot meal or a winter coat. I know this to be true because she's done it! In spite of all that has happened, my daughter has clothes on her back, she's well fed, has plenty of toys, and is an excellent student. She's not annoying spoiled to the point that someone couldn't give her a piece of candy without her turning her nose up because it wasn't a toy. She understands the value of caring and giving and being a TRUE friend better than the majority of adults I've met. She never asks for more than I have to give and I never feel like I have to "prove" myself to her. I may not always be able to provide her with the best in material possessions, and, for the sake of her selfishness, I wouldn't want to! But, she always appreciates what she has and that means I'm doing a pretty good job!!

She Did It!!

2010-01-14T08:10:00.002-06:00

My "little" sister, age 26, has just purchased her first home. In a way, I'm happy for her. Who doesn't want to own a home? I know I do! And, in a way, I'm jealous because, due to ignorant life choices, I'll be lucky to keep myself in a decent rental for any amount of time. But, I digress.....

So, she has a lot of decisions she's in the process of making. She's deciding on color schemes and appliances, vinyl and metal tiles, central air/heat vs. gas and window units, etc. There are all kinds of things to think out when you purchase a home, especially when you get a "fix-her-upper" like she got. She sent me pictures of it in its raw form. I must admit (and so did she) that the house looked much like a dump at that point, but I could see the potential in it, especially after she described her plans for each room. It sounds like a fun project and I can't wait to see the difference when she's done!

WHO DAT??????

2009-12-06T19:32:00.002-06:00

My husband, along with pretty much everyone else I know, has been waiting all his life for the Super Bowl title to come home to new orleans louisiana and it looks like that COULD happen this year. Granted, they still have a few games to go, but the Saints are looking good for the big game this year. They got close a few years ago, when they made it to the championship but lost (to the Bears, I think), however, I feel like it could be their year! I have a ton of Saints fans for friends, so I'm really hoping it happens for them.

On a side note, I'm still irritated about Florida's loss to Alabama last night. Nick Saban is a cocky jerk and I really hope that Texas CREAMS the "Tide" at the National Championship!!

Looking For A New Hobby

2009-12-06T19:04:00.002-06:00

I want to try something new. I've cross stitched and I've made my own cards and party invitations. I've decorated cakes and I've done wood painting. I tried to learn how to sew, but I gave up on that. I think I'd like to try my hand at jewelry making or mosaics this time. For those who might not know, mosaics is making crude pictures out of pieces of different colored ceramic tiles. They're really pretty and last FOREVER, so I might give that a try. Scrapbooking would be fun, too, and I already have a lot of the supplies I'd need. I could have more than one hobby. New year, new hobby, right??

Grievances

2009-12-05T16:23:00.002-06:00

I have a lot of things I want to say. I'm working on the "mother of all blog posts" as I type. I have a ton of things running through my head and I'm trying to figure out how to get them out in a way that makes sense and gets my point across. I'm tired of people feeling like they've gotten by with treating me like crap, like I'm too stupid to see through them (I assure you, I'm not). They WILL all know how I feel about their hypocrisy! My new years resolution (if I must have one) is to no longer let ANYONE take advantage of me or get by with lying to me. I'm sick of it all!!

Cell Phones

2009-12-05T16:18:00.002-06:00

I recently got an awesome new cell phone. It's prepaid, but that's good enough for me. We needed something new because my husband was the only one who had one (now ask me what I got for my birthday....) and we needed a way to communicate with each other (texting is much better than actually having to talk each other). So, I got this great little Nokia and he got a cute Samsung number. I love them!! For $60 a month, we have unlimited talk and text. That might sound expensive to some, but we were putting at least that much on our Alltel/Verizon phone and couldn't even talk for free until after 9pm! This is a much better deal! Now, if we could only get his card in so we can refill the phones, it would be great!

Miley the Hypocrite

2009-11-25T16:00:00.002-06:00

Most celebrities are ridiculously hypocritical, but most of them at least have the good sense to try to hide it....not Miley Cyrus! She puts her double standard right out there for everyone to see.

In case you don't know what I'm referring to, I'm talking about when Miley publicly denounced Twilight and its fans saying it's "a cult" and that she doesn't understand the fascination. Funny, she didn't seem to mind the attention when HER concerts were selling out at ridiculously fast rates. Perhaps she's just jealous because "Hannah Montana:The Movie" didn't have such a following...or perhaps Robert Pattinson turned the "pop princess" down and that's why she's jaded. Either way, she should either be supportive of others in the business or keep her hillbilly mouth shut (didn't her daddy teach her no manners??). And, Miley....lay off the stripper poles!!

AMA Backlash

2009-11-25T13:12:00.002-06:00

I missed the first 25 minutes of Sunday's AMA show,but I sat, glued to the remaining 2 1/2 hours or so and I must say that I was....amazed? First of all, how great is it that Michael Jackson won FOUR out of the five awards he was up for (and really, in my opinion, was robbed for Artist of the Year, because Taylor Swift isn't THAT great)??

Aside from that, the big news was Adam Lambert's performance. My mouth flew open when I saw him make out with the dude (yes, the DUDE) on stage and then shove another person's face in his crotch and flip off the audience and whatever else. I really like Adam...I do...and, luckily, I'm not one of those folks who are easily offended by such. People are ranting about how he has fans who are children and things of that nature, but Adam's performance came on at nearly 10:00 MY time (11pm in NYC) and MY child was in the bed!! He was asked in an interview following the performance if he felt the need to apologize to these children and parents for his actions and he said (and I tend to agree) that he's "not a babysitter", but a performer. Everyone knows that when you get celebrities in a group on live television ANYTHING can happen (and something usually does), so a SMART parent would have, at the very least, TiVo'd the performance and watched it first to decide if it was appropriate for their kids. Even people who don't have TiVo or DVR should know that these performances are available on YouTube and other internet video outlets. And, if you don't have access to THAT, then please join us in the 21st century!! I'm just saying that, while I don't think that what Adam did was necessarily a GOOD thing, for parents to blame him for what their child sees on TV is just neglectful. If my daughter had seen Adam's sex-charged performance, I would have no one to blame but myself for having my daughter up so late, watching a show that never claimed to be geared for kids!

Having said that, I am SO over Taylor Swift!! That look of mock surprise every time she won an award was nauseating. She's won enough awards in the past few months to where none of US are surprised....so why should we believe that she is???? I was totally on her side during the whole "Kanye" thing and I certainly like her better than I like Miley Cyrus (speaking of bad role models for children), but she's beginning to wear on my nerves in a serious way! I mean, please....she's alright and she's certainly cute, but she's really nowhere near as talented as a singer as someone like, say, Reba McEntire, who Taylor beat out for an award Sunday night.

Vampire Dairies?? Are You Serious????

2009-11-19T19:12:00.003-06:00

I've just tuned into my first episode of The Vampire Diaries, purely by accident, and it really sucks. It's just a cheap Twilight knockoff without the super hot vampire in the form of Robert Pattinson. I will grant them that the main girl in the show is WAY prettier than Bella from Twilight (and let's hope she has a better attitude in real life than Kristen Stewart does), but that's about it. The storylines are similar and everything. The dialogue is cheesy, to be nice...dude just SAID (speaking of an old girlfriend), "I just want to be with her and bite her and stuff"...dur!! Maybe I'm just spoiled by Twilight....

Action Must Be Taken

2009-11-15T16:00:00.002-06:00

I had the flu early last week (or something that caused me to feel similarly cruddy) and I honestly thought that would be enough to begin the process and eliminate the need for any weight loss products, but turns out, I was mistaken. I also stepped on a scale for the first time in a long time and, while I'm not going to give any specific information, let's just say I was "inspired" to lose a few unnecessary pounds! There's a slight chance I might be performing on stage again in April and I WILL have lost at least 20 pounds, if not closer to my goal of 35, by that time. I'm the biggest I've been in a long time. I let myself go and I'm bound and determined to get myself back!!

Finally, A Replacement!!!!

2009-11-04T18:06:00.002-06:00

Anyone who has been friends with me for any amount of time knows that my favorite actor for YEARS was Heath Ledger. I professed him to be my "second husband". So, when he died, tragically too young, in January, 2008, I no longer had a favorite actor. Well, recently, that changed. I have suddenly decided that my new "second husband" is Robert Pattinson. This new choice, along with past choices, has led me to believe that I just have a "thing" for foreigners. Heath was Australian and Robert is British, so I'm all about a hot accent! I've also noticed that the roles I was initially drawn to for both actors was one where they were required to use American accents. So, evidentally, I find something sexy about a foreigner pretending to be American?? I don't know. All I know is, I am "in love" (and I use this loosely, because a) I've never met him and b) I'm freakin' 30 years old) with this guy!!! It's just nice to be able to say that I have a favorite again, although I'll never forget Heath! :)

What the Hell Wednesday

2009-11-04T12:12:00.002-06:00

I'm trying to find new ways to spend my blogging time. It's come to my attention (mostly just by me) that I'm not exactly the most entertaining of folks...so here goes....

1.If you won the lottery lets say 200 million dollars what would be the first thing you would do? You mean AFTER I call everyone who ever treated me like less than a human being and shout "F**K YOU!!!" as soon as they answer??? Well, after that, I'd buy a house!

2. Do you think your a lucky person? why? I am one of the most UNlucky people I know...I'm a 30 year old orphan, for crying out loud, among other reasons I won't get into.

3. Do you have any lucky charms? I really don't....I'm dull like that...

4. Have you ever knocked on wood in hopes whatever you said doesn’t get jinks? Yeah...of course, I didn't actually BELIEVE it would change anything...

5. If you could have just one thing..anything besides riches (money/gold) what would your wish for? I be happy...I would like to be satisfied with myself, doing something I love to do

6. Do you listen to your gut instincts or try to ignore them and wish you did? I've gone both ways...My gut instincts aren't that strong, though, so I usually just have to go with the flow

7. Are you a glass half full or more of a glass half empty type person? I am an "who the heck stole my damn glass" kind of person...that would be more my luck!

8. Do feel like you are fortunate in life or waiting for your turn? why? I think I was very fortunate at one time, but I wasn't appreciative enough...so, here I am!

9. What is an attainable dream that you want to accomplish before you die? I'd like to finish college

10. If the world was going to end on friday…what would you do before it ended? Pretty much whatever I wanted to do...

11. Do you believe rabbits foots are bring good luck? If I did, I'd have a million of them!!

12. Do you believe blondes have all the luck? Not necessarily

13. If you could come up with an invention and make millions of dollars what would it be? I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you....

Things I Want (or Need)

2009-11-01T18:40:00.002-06:00

It's always easy to make a "Things I Want (or Need)" list when you have no money. Then, when you HAVE money, you tend to take a second look at your list, actually prioritizing it. I've recently looked at my list and a cell phone came at the top, as did a camera...so I got those things. However, I'll have to save shopping for a new big screen TV and a king size bed frame with a cradlesoft mattress for another time. Those just weren't as important. I still want those things, along with a new washer and dryer and a new wedding set...but they'll have to wait.

Good Weekend, Bad Holiday

2009-11-01T18:34:00.002-06:00

This weekend started off GREAT! I had a friend come in from Mississippi to visit and it was awesome! Then, Saturday started off well, also. We went to the mall and I actually got to SHOP....like, with real MONEY!! It didn't turn sour until it came time to trick or treat. Apparently, this podunk town decided to hold trick or treating from 3-7 and we had no idea. Of course, it was in the paper, but who reads the paper in a small town like this??? So, by the time we got ready to go, everyone was gone...no lights on, nothing....so I had a very disappointed little girl on my hands and I felt terrible! I thought of all the people sitting at home on their modern sofas while my 7 year old searched in vain for someone at home to give her candy at 7:30pm! I am so infuriated at this town and at myself, for not paying more attention and letting my daughter down AGAIN...for the second (or third) time in a month. I don't deserve her!

UGH!!

2009-10-27T22:32:00.002-05:00

I have eaten WAY too much fattening food here lately!! We've done a LOT of eating out and my hips are feeling it!! I have very few clothes that will fit me as it is, so I need to stop! My husband and I are going to try a few exercises to see which ones will serve as enough of a fat burner that, maybe, we won't have to give up ALL of the foods we love! I'm not sure I could live without chicken tenders or french fries! Maybe I could just not eat them quite as often? There's got to be a little self-control in my body that I could conjure up to lose 15-20 pounds, huh? I sure hope so! I have tons of clothes and I'd love to be able to wear them!!

Tuesday Tunes

2009-10-27T22:19:00.002-05:00

Another "first-timer" here. I found The Music Memoirs through a search engine and had to participate. This week's question, in honor of Halloween, is:

What is the creepiest music video you've ever watched?

A lot of people this time of year (my daughter included) might say "Thriller", but, to be honest, the "creepiest" video that comes to my mind is "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden. The way those people's faces morphed was completely unhuman! I always cringed as a teenager, when it came on TV (back when the video channels actually played VIDEOS...what????). I totally hate that video!!

Manic Monday

2009-10-26T22:56:00.002-05:00

This is my first time doing the Manic Monday meme, so be patient with me!

How do you define honesty?

Honesty is saying what's on your heart and mind and not leaving someone in the dark. It's also being true to YOURSELF and not denying who you are or what makes you happy.

What is the main thing that makes you unique?

I'm honestly not sure I'm that unique. I mean, sure, no one LOOKS like me, but there's likely at least someone who thinks the same way I do on varying issues...maybe not the same person on ALL the issues, but most likely one person will think like me about one thing and someone else will see my point of view on something else....I'm not much different from anyone else.

What is your biggest fear or worry?

That something will happen to me and I'll leave my daughter to grow up without a mother. Most people are more afraid that their children will go first, and, by no means do I want THAT to happen, either, but I've been without a mother for the majority of my life and I have always felt an empty ache for her. I don't want my daughter to EVER have to feel that way!!

Thrilling!!

2009-10-26T22:21:00.002-05:00

Life is great!! We got some more of our stuff out of storage today, which made me ecstatic because that meant that we got my daughter's bed put together and sheets on it, her TV hooked up, etc. AND I got my chest of drawers as well, so, once I get it all cleaned out (mouse poop from the nasty storage unit--I'm having to wash EVERYTHING!!) my clothes will no longer be on the floor and in laundry baskets!! Then, we went to Wal-Mart for sandwich bags and my husband bought me a new camera, since I "lost" my old one last year!! I'm so excited! Hopefully, the lack of depression alone will eliminate any need for weight loss pills and I'll soon be able to fit in all the fabulous clothes I've gotten back that I forgot I had!! One can hope, right??

Saving Is Hard!!

2009-10-25T23:44:00.002-05:00

My friend and I are talking about trying to save up to take our girls to Disney World sometime in the near future. I have yet to look on the web and check prices, but, just a word to all of you who are trying to put money back for orlando vacations...GOOD LUCK!! It seems like I'm having a harder time than ever saving money. I don't know if it's because I've had so little lately, or if it's because I've done without so many things that now I feel somehow vindicated when I can spend a buck...or maybe it's a combination of the two, but whatever it is, I never seem to be able to hold on to any money and I have to make that change or else my baby girl will NEVER get to meet Cinderella!!

Abusing the System

2009-10-25T23:33:00.002-05:00

Nothing makes me more ill than people who abuse the very programs that are in place to help people out. Welfare, food stamps, WIC, Social Security, etc. are all there in an attempt to sustain human life until they're able to sustain themselves. However, I'm constantly running into people who abuse those programs. I'll see people using their food stamps to buy unnecessary items and then get in their brand new BMWs and drive off. Now, don't get me wrong...I'm not putting anyone down. I think that for people who NEED it and use it in the way it's intended, it's a great thing to have. But, the thing that REALLY chaps me are the people who are drawing benefits when they're just as able to work as I am! I know someone personally (whose name I will NOT mention) who has been living off of disability for most of his adult life. He's perfectly healthy and can get a job at any time. He was able to qualify because one of his friends, who is a self proclaimed "master" at cheating the goverment, helped him put the "right answers" on his applications. I'm as aware as the next person that our government is pretty corrupt, but what people don't realize is that, corrupt or not, there's only so much money to go around and if you're taking funds you don't NEED, just because you CAN, then you're depriving someone else who DOES need them! For instance, my mother in law hasn't been able to work for years and it took her a very long time and MANY a disability appeal to finally get her benefits. That should NOT have happened!! Something needs to be done!

This Is It

2009-10-25T23:27:00.003-05:00

I'm just DYING to see the Michael Jackson "documentary" (if that's what we're calling it). It starts Wednesday and I would give anything to see it!! I'm a huge fan of the "King of Pop" and I still can't believe he's gone, even after 4 months! My daughter has even become mildly obsessed and even serenaded all of us at Wal-Mart the other night with an adorable rendition of "Thriller". She's trying to pick up on all the dances and everything! I look at her and it makes me so sad for Michael's kids. I have had to bury my father, so I can look at them and empathize with the pain. I just hope my daughter never has to feel that. But, just in case, I'm going to follow up on some life insurance leads ASAP! You really can't be too careful. I'd like to think that I'll live to a ripe old age, but the truth is, you just never know. My own mother died at 32 and my father was 43, so anything is possible!

But, I still wanna see the movie!!

Who Needs Us??

2009-10-25T23:08:00.002-05:00

As I rented my videos from something called "The Red Box" at Wal-Mart, I realized how obsolete us humans are. Now you don't even have to go into the video store to rent a movie...you just swipe your card, choose your movies and then return them a day later. Everything else is computerized. You no longer need a card catalog at the library and I haven't seen a encyclopedia in I can't remember when...and when is the last time you turned to a phone book to find a directory listing? Pretty soon, there will seriously be no jobs because machines will take us over! I'm a little scared for humanity, but at the same time, I'll bet a robot will clean my house cheap!

What Do You Think?

2009-10-25T23:01:00.003-05:00

We're thinking about trying to move. I want my daughter in a better school. Granted, this school isn't as bad as it COULD be, but I'm not really a fan. I feel like my daughter deserves a better education than what's she's getting. I want her to actually be LEARNING something while she's sitting on her discount classroom furniture! I just don't know if pulling her out of a school mid-way is the best thing to do for her, either. It's hard to know, for sure, when dealing with things like this. I, obviously, want what's best for my little girl, but sometimes I'm just not sure what that is! Someone should write a manual!!

Major Purchases

2009-10-25T22:54:00.002-05:00

I'm finally ready buy another vehicle. It's been long enough, and I'm in the mood to purchase! I won't be buying a "new" vehicle....just "new to me". I'd love to find an SUV, with no-so-many miles for a fair prices. Of course, I'm not sure if that'll happen or not...but a girl can dream! I'm just hoping that it won't be too long before I'm shopping for auto insurance for my "newsed" car! Then, after that, my next major purchase will be a nice, new camera...or perhaps a new washer and dryer...or maybe a new living room suit. I'm not trying to be greedy...just trying to put my life back together!

On Our Way.....

2009-10-25T14:33:00.000-05:00

After what seems like a million years, I'm feeling hopeful. My husband, although still actively seeking outside-the-home employment, is beginning to finally have more luck with his internet ventures. In fact, it looks like he's so close to being back on the road to success that we'll soon have to invest in an industrial computer just to keep up the pace. It's a nice feeling, really, after being forced to do without for so long! I can finally get my new camera and a new car and the New Moon book (Twilight series, for those of you who have been living under rock)....it's time for "new" things! :)

Yucky!!

2009-10-25T14:29:00.002-05:00

I have had a sick child all week. Luckily, it was nothing more than a cold, which is great, considering the number of swine flu cases there are in the US right now!! However, being awakened in the wee hours of the morning to the sound of your child coughing and choking on her own phlegm is enough to keep me from even needing any appetite suppressants to lose weight!! The good news is, for the past few days, the drainage has decreased and all that remains is a dry cough, which I can more easily deal with. The moral of this story is: expectorant, expectorant, expectorant!!! I will swear by that stuff!!

They're Approaching

2009-10-18T18:30:00.002-05:00

The holidays will soon be upon us. This is generally my favorite time of year. I'm not sure if it will be this year or not. Everything is so wrong this year. My daughter's birthday has come and gone without the usual "hoopla" that she's used to, and I'm quite obviously, the only one who cares about that. I wish I could have done more to make it happen for her. But, I couldn't do it alone, which I essentially was. But, God as my witness, her Christmas will NOT blow like her birthday did!! I'd run out and get a job, but I've put on so much weight, I have nothing to wear (and I'm not exaggerating about this). I guess I need to get on the Medifast diet to try to lose enough weight to fit into my clothes!! I could try to find some online work. That might be enough to just buy Christmas for my kid, but who knows? If anyone knows of a quick way to earn enough to buy a Wii, let me know!!

Sunday Night TV

2009-09-27T21:39:00.002-05:00

It's BAAAACK!!! My personal "Sunday Night Lineup" is back!! Tonight I watched the season premieres of Dexter and Californication. Now, as far as what I thought, I think that this season of Dexter will be good, as far as having Dexter chasing a elusive killer (played by John Lithgow), but I am NOT liking this whole "family dynamic" they've got going on. I never cared for Rita's character when they were dating and I dislike her even more now that she's married to Dexter and has had his baby. She has him taking "baby shifts" and stopping what he's doing (which, granted, is killing someone) to pick up medicine and such...next thing we know, she'll be sitting around telling him to go hunt for a new rv extended warranty while she goes to her pilate class. I just don't care for her. But, all in all, I think the season is gonna be great!

As for Californication, the Runkle relationship is more entertaining than what's going on with Hank, but I'm sure that will change as the season progresses. David Duchovny is awesome in this show and I have no doubt that he'll will make the season interesting! Not much to say about it, though...there really was no "cliffhanger" for me.

Things I Miss.....

2009-09-27T18:39:00.000-05:00

I miss a lot of things about my previous life. I miss being able to go and do as I please and have the things I need. I miss shopping on a daily basis. I miss using fabric softener in my dryer. I miss jamming out to my favorite tunes as I load the dishwasher. I miss practicing my photography and I miss taking my daughter to have her pictures taken by someone else (a Fort Myers photographer couldn't do a better job than what was done on her last set). I miss having friends and I miss having a job (believe it or not). I miss sleeping late (which would indicate that I also miss having my daughter NOT in school). I miss eating out for nearly every meal and I miss baking like a banchee! There are just so many things that I want back for myself and my family...you have NO idea!! Maybe I'll make that a Thursday Thirteen??

Bless My Fat Heart....

2009-09-26T21:53:00.002-05:00

I've been going through my closet trying on things to see what I can keep and what is Goodwill bound and I've come to a conclusion. I have put on WAY too many unnecessary pounds!! I will be looking for the best weight loss supplement money can buy...as soon as I have the money to buy it!! I haven't been this big since I was in high school....well, except for when I was pregnant, but that doesn't really count. It's just miserable! It'll get better, I'm sure. I've never stayed fat for long. Then again, I've never been 30, either. So, I'm sure my metabolism has slowed down tremendously. We'll see. It's just another product of severe depression.

Our "Field Trip"

2009-09-26T11:11:00.002-05:00

It's almost pitiful when you get to a point in your life where a trip to Wal-Mart is considered a family vacation. I took my daughter to the store last night and we spent over an hour just window shopping, after we'd gotten what we actually went for. I think we "toured" every section except, perhaps, the auto accessories...or, actually, we might have gone there, too...I can't remember. It was fun, but very dull for a Friday night. Gone are the days when I used to get dressed up all pretty and go clubbing with my friends. Now I'm spending my weekends like an old lady...fun times!!

So Much For That.....

2009-09-09T13:38:00.002-05:00

Even the best laid plans will fail...if they're MY plans, anyway. No amount of prayer or hope can make things go the way I want them to go. I didn't get to send my child to the school I wanted her in, or even to one that was comparable to the one I wanted. My daughter is in a sub-par school where they make her wear a uniform. A lot of parents would find uniforms to be wonderful, but I love dressing my child up. I like to send her to school in clothes that are flattering to her and in style. I like to pick out shoes to go with the clothes and am very sad that there won't be any Ugg shoes worn to school this year. I'm more than a little bit sick of suffering and sacrificing and compromising. I trusted the wrong person and it's biting me in the butt....well, NEVER again...mark my words!!

People Get Ready

2009-09-06T16:06:00.002-05:00

Football season is among us. My husband starts counting down the days on the Monday after the Super Bowl. So, this weekend kicked off college football, which is his favorite. I know there are a million football fans in the world, so this is probably a great time to be working at a store that sells plasma tvs! For some reason, men seem to think that the game will go better if they can see it bigger and more clearly! I don't understand the obsession, but, in all fairness, I'm sure that I have obsessions that aren't clearly understood by the gruffer sex, so we're even.

Much Change--'Bout Time....

2009-09-06T16:00:00.002-05:00

Things have finally begun to maybe start moving in the right direction for my family. We still have a long way to go and there are certainly still days (like today) when I get frustrated. My husband has applied for several jobs in the area and we're just waiting to hear back. He's also back to doing his web work as well. One good deal and we've got many of our basic needs met and a steady job will bring us much needed health insurance and other benefits. I also want to look at getting a life insurance quote or two, as I'm not getting any younger or much healthier and I want to do my best to insure that my daughter doesn't have to go through what I have. Of course, as I well know, having money won't be enough. She'll have to use a little common sense to avoid the mess I got myself into! But, life insurance would help!

Is It Bedtime??

2009-07-23T23:00:00.002-05:00

I'm exhausted. Not sleepy, mind you, just exhausted. I'm frustrated with my life and I can't sleep, but sometimes I feel like I'm physically unable to continue in this fashion. I'm starting to understand why Elvis took pills to sleep and more pills to wake up. I feel like you can get stressed out to that point. Granted, the stresses are different, but stress, all the same. I've gotten to where I enjoy a nice iced coffee or cappuccino (something like you could find in Nespresso...the good stuff) to get myself motivated every day. The caffeine is the only thing capable of getting me out of the bed! I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be forced to live my life like this, but THIS is not living!!

Slowly But Surely...

2009-07-23T22:23:00.002-05:00

I'm making an honest attempt at a change. I need something different, not only in my life, but also in my outlook and my appearance. Fixing my appearance will likely be the easiest of the three, mainly because my life isn't in my hands and my outlook isn't liable to change until my life and my appearance change. One of the main things that my appearance needs is to lose 15-20 pounds. I've been looking around for the best diet pills I can possibly afford. I don't know if it's more important that I find an appetite suppressant or a fat burner or if it's possible to find both in one pill. I suppose I have more research still to do. I also need a sharp haircut and some tooth whitener. My teeth are discolored from years of smoking and drinking tea and coffee. I know I would feel better about my smile if it were whiter. I have a LOT of work to do!!

And Closer Still....

2009-07-17T23:32:00.002-05:00

I posted last night about the fact that school is about to start back in a matter of a few weeks and I want to add that I am NOT ready!! I actually enjoy having my daughter home with me and just thinking about her, all grown up, in the 1st grade, sitting at one of the real classroom desks, as opposed to a kindergarten table, makes me kind of sad. I don't care if she IS almost 7 years old...she's still my baby girl! Why can't we turn back time whenever we take a notion and hold our babies one more time before they get to be too old to be held? Luckily, my daughter still loves being hugged by her mommy, but I know in my heart that those days are numbered!! So, once again, I'll send my baby off to school to let some strange teacher spend more time during the week with my child than I get to...maybe I should look into homeschooling??

Time Is Nearing....

2009-07-17T02:07:00.002-05:00

School is going to start back in just over a month and I've got a TON of things to do to prepare. For one, we're looking to move. Long story for those who don't already know it, but we've got to find something else and I'm hoping and praying that we can find something in the same school zone because I don't want Alyssa to have to change schools. So, we're looking at houses and mobile homes in our area, hoping to find something decent and affordable to rent until we're able to buy something. I've been scouring the papers and such and relying on word of mouth to try to find something, so keep your fingers crossed for us!

"Do You Believe In Fairies?"

2009-07-03T21:57:00.010-05:00

"All children, except one, grow up".

Everyone knows who Peter Pan is. He's the magical boy who never grows up, never ages, believes in fairies and can't understand why anyone wouldn't. Peter Pan is a part of everyone's childhood. We all remember him flying around with his friends, Wendy, John, and Michael and taking them to his fantasy land where they'd also be children forever. In the end, the three children make the "natural" choice to go back and live their lives and grow up as children are supposed to do. Of course, we all know that EVERYONE ages...that's just a part of it...but, do we HAVE to grow up?? Do we have to let go of our childhood dreams? Do we have to give up on impish fun and trade it in for the stresses of adulthood?

"When the first baby laughed for the first time, its laugh broke into a thousand pieces, and they all went skipping about, and that was the beginning of fairies."
Peter Pan

Michael Jackson didn't think so. He lived his life in such a way as to draw media scrutiny from the grown ups who couldn't "get it". Were these media bloodsuckers so "grown up" that they were afraid to release their inner child? Or had they forgotten HOW to be child-like, making them so jealous of Michael's innocence that they had to terrorize him at every turn? Whatever it was, Michael Jackson was the target of so much hate and so many jokes in his all-too-brief life. But it was because he wasn't afraid. He wasn't afraid to admit that he was afraid. He wasn't afraid to cry when he hurt. He wasn't afraid to have a good time doing things that children do. He, like Peter Pan, created his own "Neverland" where he could make all his childhood dreams come true. Go to YouTube and watch his private home movies. Watch as he has water gun and water balloon fights and hunts Easter eggs with the children. Listen as he laughs as he's being pushed into the pool repeatedly or having raw eggs cracked on his head. Watch him climb trees and have pie fights after "short film" shoots. Then, look into his eyes and see the happiness and satisfaction written all over his face. How many adults can say that they have that much joy in their hearts? I know I can't!

"Do you know," Peter asked, "why swallows build in the eaves of houses? It is to listen to the stories."

Yet, the media took this joy and viewed it under a microscope, inventing ideas that weren't there and twisting his fantasies in such a way that he eventually never returned to live at the Neverland he loved. Why must we adults do this? Why do we allow ourselves to grow up too fast and then expect our kids to do the same? How many times have I stopped my daughter from playing because it's "too loud" or "too messy" or because she's "too big for that"? How many times have I watched her play alone because I was "too busy" or "too old" to play with her? I could have (and will) take a lesson from Michael. You're NEVER too young to play and laugh.

Michael Jackson, from what I can tell, took his pleasure from helping others. This is evident by the THOUSANDS of sick, orphaned, and underprivileged children who entered Neverland during the time he was there. It's evident by the more than $300 million he gave to various charities. It's also proven by the story of the little four year old boy for whom Michael found a liver and paid for a transplant. Believe the rumors if you will, but very few celebrities of Michael's status can say that they've given not only money, but time. His caring contributions can't be denied, not even by the most vicious haters.

"Every time a child says, 'I don't believe in fairies,' there is a fairy somewhere that falls down dead."

Did he have his faults? Sure. We all do. Did he do things that might have made him seem "eccentric" or "peculiar"? Certainly. But, I will never be able to view him as a criminal, because I believe in my heart that everything he did was with the naivety of a child. He originally had, and eventually lost, a great trust in people, just like children do. The media forced him to "grow up" and realize that all people were not good and that everyone wasn't out to love him.

"To die will be an awfully big adventure."
Peter Pan

Michael Jackson, the eternal child, began his "big adventure" on June 25, 2009, at the age of 50. With his departure, we've lost not only one of the greatest talents the music business has ever known, but we've lost a huge part of our own childhoods (if you're old enough, anyway). With him, he also took the voice of the children. I've been crying real tears for days, not so much for Michael, as I'd never met him, but for the world, who will never again see that kind of child-like innocence that he possessed. As someone who lost her own "voice" in 1995, with the death of my father, my heart goes out, not only to Michael's own children, but to all the children he could have helped, if he'd only been allowed more time.

"Second to the right, and straight on till morning."
That, Peter had told Wendy, was the way to the Neverland

Collections

2009-06-18T22:47:00.002-05:00

I've gotten to a point where I HATE laundry day. Previously, I didn't mind so much the washing or the drying and I could event tolerate the folding and putting away. But, since my daughter has come up with various things to "collect", laundry day has gotten to be a hassle.

Assuming that I remember to check her pockets, I'm subject to turning up anything from grass and rocks to change to whatever else the average 6 year old can stick in her pockets! Rocks seem to be her favorite and now there's one lodged in my agitator...and that agitates ME! Tiger Woods has fewer golf trophies than I have rocks in my house!

I don't want to put a damper on the little things my daughter enjoys, but how much more of this am I supposed to take??? I'm stepping on rocks, vacuuming up rocks, washing rocks in my washer, fishing them out of cats' water bowls and the toilet...I could build a new driveway just from the rocks in my shot glasses...it's ridiculous!! I love my baby girl, but we've got to stop with the rocks, already!!

New Idea

2009-06-18T22:33:00.002-05:00

I've noticed, as of late, that I've put on a few pounds. I assumed it was directly related to my chocolate addiction that I can't seem to shake. But, while talking to a nurse I'm close to, I happened to mention that, along with the fact that my hair is coming out in clumps, and she insisted that I have my thyroid checked. Well, how do ya like that?? I guess I should go ahead and do that before I invest in ephedra products to shed the extra poundage! She said that, if I DO have a thyroid problem and I don't get it under control, I could develop a goiter and eventually die. While I'm pretty sure that we all "eventually die" anyway, I'd rather not seal my own fate! So...I guess that, tomorrow or Monday I'll get on the "horn" and call Dr. Colvin to make an appointment. I HATE having bloodwork done, but I'd rather not die!

4am Musings

2009-06-17T19:01:00.002-05:00

Yes, I was, once again, up at 4:00 this morning. For some reason, when the house gets quiet is when my thoughts come up to haunt me. This morning was no exception. So, as a means to release my tension, I broke out a pen. Here's what I came up with:

There's a place where dreams end and reality begins. If you're lucky, the two are so similar that you never notice the transition. However, if you're me, the jolt of crossing between real and make believe is anything but subtle.

In my dreams, everything is as it should be. I'm not hungry or sad or sick or depressed. In my dreams, there are plenty of people in my life that I can count on and no one would ever lie to me or take advantage of what I have to offer.

But, the reality is harshly different. Here, no one cares. I struggle for every blessing I receive and constantly look over my shoulder while trying to decipher between fact and fiction.

When i dream, I close my eyes and everything is as it seems. There are no false pretenses and everyone I come in contact with is genuine. No one hurts me in my dreams.

However, in my real world, the opposite is true. The stories are ever changing. First it is, then it isn't. First they have it, then they don't. First they're there for you, then they aren't. You have no idea how I tire of all the variances.

My longing is for my fantasies and my realities to somehow collide. I want to keep what's mine and never have to second guess what I hear. I'm ready for the truth to overcome the lies and to get back what was unjustly taken from me. I'm ready to stop being someone's victim and release my inner bitch! No one wrongs me in my dreams and I'm ready for it to cease in my reality as well.

I will no longer be your victim! I will stand up for MY rights as well as the right of my daughter, who is the one person who remains constant, regardless of my level of lucidity. She has never let me down and I will not further disappoint her!

Last Day!!

2009-06-15T13:03:00.003-05:00

I love to win things, don't you? And, if I can win something that makes me feel better as a woman, then that's just even better! It just so happens that Emilie agrees with me and, until midnight tonight, is offering you a chance to win a free handbag from Handbag Heaven!! I own a bag from Handbag Heaven, and, trust me, the chance to win is worth whatever time it takes you to enter!! Their bags are affordable and fashion (who said you had to choose??)

There are MANY ways to enter, so hurry up, before it's too late!

Happy Birthday, Curley!!

2009-06-15T00:54:00.004-05:00

Most anyone who reads this knows me well enough to know that I was a "Daddy's Girl" and that my daddy was abruptly taken away from me on November 4, 1995, when I was only 16 years old. But, what you may or may not know is that today would have been his 57th birthday. It's hard to imagine my father knocking on 60's door, but I really wish I could. I wish I could have Alyssa bake him a special "Happy Birthday Grandpa" cake and have her to sing to him before she gave him the Harley t-shirt she picked out all by herself, because anyone who knew my dad knows that that would be EXACTLY what he wanted!! But, life had other plans for me and my daughter. We won't get to wish him the typical Happy Birthday, because, where he is, he'll never get any older. Regardless of how many times we pass June 15, Curley will always be 43 years old.

A little background--my parents met in 1975 and got married June 4, 1977. Since my mother passed away when I was 10, I don't remember much about their relationship firsthand, but I do know the mess my father was after she was gone. He managed to pull it together to the point that his children didn't readily recognize his pain, but now that I'm an adult and can think back and analyze things in a way I was incapable of as a child, I can see that he never fully got over her. It was the kind of love that people long for. Another thing that anyone who knew my daddy could tell you is that, no matter where life took him after her death, he was never the same person and he always longed for her.

I always seem to dwell on what I'm missing by not having in my life any longer. It's never dawned on me, until right now, that it's not all about me. Granted, my father didn't take his own life--he wouldn't have done that--and I know he didn't WANT to die. He loved me and he loved my sister with a fierceness that I only hope I can mirror for my own daughter. I'm grateful to have been loved like that when there are so many uncaring fathers out there. So, am I being selfish to wish he were here? Should I be happy that he was reunited with my mother and has been living in a better place for the past 13 1/2 years?

I often say (on those silly surveys and what-have-you) that if I could bring anyone back from the dead, it would be my father...but would that be fair to him? Would he want to be resurrected into this life where he can return to feeling the pain of my mother's loss? I highly doubt it. It's not that the love of his two daughters and granddaughter wouldn't be enough--I believe it would be. But, we're old enough now to take care of ourselves and likely wouldn't need him as much as we had, anyway. So, he would, once again, be lost and racked with grief. I'm not 100% sure I'd do that to him, even if I could...but, since I can't, it's a moot point anyway, right?

There are a million things that I wish I could say to him and a million things I wish he had been here to see. I'm still brought to tears whenever it hits me that I'll never see him on this earth again. I'll never hear the sound of his Harley pulling up in the driveway. I'll never hear him fuss at me because my room is a wreck. I'll never hear him joke about how I'm "not allowed to date until I'm married". We'll never go out to eat Mexican food again and he'll never go with me to shop for new clothes. He never got to teach me how to change the oil in my car or change a flat tire. Those were things on his "to-do" list that he left behind.

I have very little more than pictures to remind me of him. I can't remember his voice anymore or the way he smelled after he'd been out in his shop, working on his Harley. I remember his favorite songs and I remember amusing anecdotes, but I can't remember what he sounded like when he laughed at them. I remember how, even when I was a teenager, he would hold my hand as we walked into a store or wherever and say that they "still fit". I didn't really get it until I had my own daughter to hold hands with. I think if I'd known he was going to leave me, I would have taken pictures of his hands, so at least I could remember them. I bet they'd "still fit".

My father was truly my best friend and I think about him every day. I miss him every day that I breathe and, as long as I live, no matter where I go or how long I'm married, he will ALWAYS be the most important man I've ever had in my life (sorry, Booger).

I love you, Daddy...I hope you have a Happy Birthday...say Hi to Momma for me! :)

Much Change Is Coming Soon......

2009-06-07T00:31:00.003-05:00

Many of you know the trials and tribulations that have fallen upon my family in the past 6 months (or longer). But, for those who care, it would appear that Williamson luck is about to change! There are some wonderful things in the works that will greatly benefit my family's existence. Granted, we still need your prayers, because, as always, these things are subject to change before completion. It's looking good, though, and I'm really pumped up about it!! I'm not going to lie and say that it's because I've kept my faith throughout the whole ordeal, because that's just not true. I have been angry with God and I have let Him know it! But, the good news is, it would appear that He loves me anyway. I guess it's kind of like my own daughter, who, as I try to type this, is infuriating me beyond all reasonable belief. I know that, no matter what she does or how much she professes to "hate her parents", I'm still going to love her and do everything I feel is right for her. And, deep down, even when she's angry with me for a decision I've made on her behalf, she still loves me as well. My God is the same way. I've never been a huge religious "fanatic" and I've certainly never reached out and "spread the good news" or whatever. But, I promised God a long time ago, that if He would help me and my family out of this jam, I would walk beside him in a way that no one would ever believe out of me. This is something I intend to do. So, should my life become right this time, I might become unrecognizable (in a good way) to the people who have known me for the past 6 months! :) We'll see!

Thursday Thirteen

2009-06-04T11:31:00.004-05:00

Yep...it's Thursday again...yay!! I've had a pretty crappy couple of days (months, even?), so I decided to do something on a slightly positive note. So, today's "Thirteen" will be....drum roll, please....

THIRTEEN OF MY FAVORITE QUOTES:

1. "A memory can be a paradise from which we cannot be driven. It can also be a hell from which we cannot escape."--John Lancaster Spaulding

2. "Your children will become what you are; so be what you want them to be."-- David Bly

3. "A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out."-- Walter Winchell

4. "Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."--Jonathan Swift

5. "Be yourself, everyone else is already taken."--Oscar Wilde

6. "A true friend is someone who will know your name in heaven"--Patricia Pasquariello

7. "Turn your wounds into wisdom."--Oprah Winfrey

8. "Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."--Plato

9. "Good judgment comes from experience and experience comes from bad judgment."--Fred Brooks

10. "Life's blows cannot break a person whose spirit is warmed at the fire of enthusiasm."--Norman Vincent Peale

11. "You have been my friend. That in itself is a tremendous thing. I wove my webs for you because I liked you. After all, what's a life, anyway? We're born, we live a little while, we die."--E.B. White in "Charlotte's Web"

12. "Explore. Dream. Discover."--Mark Twain

13. "Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy."--Anne Frank

I have so many more, it's not even comical! Maybe this theme will have to repeat at some point.

I'm An Information Highway!!

2009-06-01T07:08:00.002-05:00

If you were able to be the opposite sex for a day, would you go for it?
--SURE WHY NOT

Last time you ate grilled cheese?
--LAST NIGHT, ACTUALLY

When you think of the rainbow, what pops in your head?
--SKITTLES

When was the last time you cried really hard?
--DEFINE "REALLY HARD"

Are you currently reading a book?
--NO

If someone hit you, what would you do?
--SHOUT PROFANITIES AND POSSIBLY HIT THEM BACK (DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH BIGGER THEY WERE THAN ME)

How long does it take you to shower?
--USUALLY ABOUT 15 MINUTES

Where did you last drive to?
--MONROE

What's the connection between you and the last person you texted?
--FRIEND OF MY HUSBAND'S

Explain why you last threw up?
--UM....PREGNANT WITH ACID REFLUX

Are you a jealous person?
--ENVIOUS, MAYBE....NOT "KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY MAN" JEALOUS

What are your outlooks on gay/bisexual relationships?
--WHATEVER FLOATS THEIR BOAT

How many piercings do you have?
--JUST MY EARS

Are you satisfied?
--NOT USUALLY

Do you speak any other language?
--DOES PIG LATIN COUNT?

Do you like working in the yard?
--NOT PARTICULARLY

Do you think you can last in a relationship for a year?
--APPARENTLY

Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
--I THINK I HAVE

Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend?
--WELL SURE

Is it easy to make you cry?
--SOMETIMES

Have you ever been sent out of class?
--NOT THAT I RECALL

Do you wear skinny jeans?
--I WISH!!

Do you drink alcohol?
--NOT ANYMORE

What's the opposite sex form of your name?
--I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN THERE'S NOT ONE FOR MY FIRST NAME, BUT THE MALE FORM OF MY MIDDLE NAME IS DENNIS

What color is your toilet seat?
--WHITE

What would happen if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
--MY BABY WAS THE LAST PERSON I KISSED!

The last person you kissed needs you at 3 AM, would you go?
--CERTAINLY

Would you honestly say you'd risk your life for someone else?
--ONLY FOR MY DAUGHTER, I THINK.....THERE MIGHT BE A COUPLE OTHERS.....

Honestly, has anyone ever seen you in your underwear?
--SURE

Anything you would change about your life right now?
--ABSOLUTELY!!

Have you ever given your number out to a stranger?
--SURE...THAT'S HOW I GOT MY HUSBAND!

Have you ever changed clothes in a vehicle?
--YEAH...ON A BUS, NO LESS

Girls are bitches, right?
--MOST OF THEM

What's on your schedule for tomorrow?
--I HAVE NO PLANS

When someone says "we need to talk", what do you think?
--WHAT DID HE DO NOW??

When will your next kiss be?
--WHEN ALYSSA WAKES UP, PROBABLY

Where is the person you miss most right now?
--HEAVEN

What would you do if you received a love letter?
--READ IT

Did you cry at all today?
--NOT YET, BUT IT'S EARLY! GIVE ME TIME!

Is anyone on your bad side right now?
--PROBABLY

Name one thing you love about winter?
--HOT CHOCOLATE....AND FIRES IN THE FIREPLACE

Is your best friend single?
--YES...SHE'S 6 YEARS OLD!!

Does it take a lot to make you cry?
--NOT LATELY

How About A Little Game??

2009-05-29T18:42:00.002-05:00

Who was the last person you talked to on the telephone?
My grandma

What were you doing at 7am?
I was probably asleep

What was the last reason you cried?
because my life sucks

Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
sure

Is there anything that you are craving for right now?
eh....kinda

Do you drink tea?
oh yeah

Is anyone on your bad side right now?
pretty much

What jewelry are you wearing?
none

Do you clean when you’re upset?
sometimes

Would you ever dye your hair blonde?
been there, done that

Red or green apples?
red, if I had to choose

Do you know anyone who’s pregnant?
yeah

What are you looking forward to?
I don't really look forward to things

Do you talk to the person you like?
sure

What are you listening to?
the tv

What are you doing right now?
this

Have you bought any clothing items in the past week?
no

Do you sing in the shower?
no

Whats your 15th text message say and who from?
no idea

Do you trust people easily?
sometimes

Who was the first person you talked to today?
either Greg or Alyssa, I'm sure

Do you like waking up to new texts in the morning?
whatever

Who's the last person you talked to in person?
Greg

Do you want to see someone right now?
whatever

Are you in a good mood?
not even a little bit

Would you rather drink coffee or tea?
tea

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
I doubt it

Do you think someone is thinking about you?
I doubt it

Will you be in a relationship next month?
probably

What color is is your hair?
brown

Where are your parents?
my belief is Heaven

Will tomorrow be good?
there's always that chance, but the chance is slim

What was your last thought before you went to bed last night?
I don't even remember

When was the last time you had a headache?
I almost always have a headache

Is anyone else in the room with you
oh yeah

How do you feel right now?
like a mess

Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life?
hardly!

What are some things you do when you're upset?
I cry a lot

In the past week, have you cried?
yeah, like, every day

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
I have no choice, really

Do you miss anybody?
every day of my life

How many pets do you have?
2

Have you hugged anyone today?
yeah

Where did you spend most of your day?
here....yay.....

Thursday Thirteen

2009-05-29T02:07:00.005-05:00

Okay, so I realize that it's technically Friday, but I got sidetracked. Better late than never...

So, last Friday, I got a new purse. I ordered it from Handbag Heaven and I LOVE it!! So, in light of that, I decided that this week's "Thursday Thirteen" would be:

13 Things You'd Find In My Purse:

1. my wallet--this will contain everything from my driver's license to gift cards with tiny balances left that I just can't seem to get rid of.

2. sunglasses--I have some of those really HUGE ones that are popular nowadays. I love them!!

3. keychain--this isn't the keychain that has my car keys on it...I usually keep that one in my pocket so I don't have to dig. This one strictly has my little "loyalty cards" that I use at the grocery store or where ever.

4. a pen--okay, so technically my pen isn't in there right this second, because I just took it out to use it, so it's sitting beside me. But, any other time, it'd be in there!

5. phone number list--I lost my address book, so I have phone numbers written down on a piece of paper until I find a replacement address book. I'm very picky about my address books, so it could take awhile to find the right one.

6. my makeup bag--this new purse is big enough that I can stick the whole damn Mary Kay clear plastic bag in there. No more picking and choosing which products I "might" need!!

7. some of those Crystal Light individual drink packets--you never know when you might be craving something like that and you can just stop by the store, get a 20oz bottle of water and voila! Crystal Light!! :)

8. cough drops--kinda goes without saying why a person might keep those, huh?

9. loose change--this SHOULD probably be in my wallet, but it's not, so it counts separately!

10. hand sanitizer--I don't go ANYWHERE without this stuff!! I hate germs!!

11. moist towelette--for those instances when my child needs her hands washed in an inconvenient place.

12. Ibuprofen--again, I have a kid....can't have enough headache medicine handy!!

13. silica gel pack--like I said, it's a new purse and I just found this while I was digging around for 13 things...so it counts!! :)

There you have it! I've said before that you can tell a lot about a person by what's in his pockets...well, purses count, too!! :)

I Got Tagged.....THANKS!! :)

2009-05-25T17:36:00.003-05:00

If I looked on the bed next to you, what would I find?
--I'm not in the bed....but if you looked at it, you'd see my husband asleep and my daughter watching a movie

Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
--closed, if you must know

Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in?
--they're folded, but then they got thrown in, so you can't tell

Sleep on your back or stomach?
--I'm pretty back and forth

Are you a cuddler?
--not really, but I have my moments

What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
--pictures...shoes....no telling what else...

Something that happened today that made you angry?
--nothing, really....same old, same old.....

What were you doing before this survey?
--just killing time

What will you do after the survey?
--cook, I guess

Marriage or living together?
--I don't really have an opinion on that

What shirt are you wearing now?
--an LSU tshirt

Do you sing?
--upon occasion

Do you de-label your beer bottles?
--this really doesn't apply to me

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
--depends on who I'm talking to

Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
--oh yeah!!

First thing you do when you wake up?
--look at the clock

Ever had surgery?
--nope

Last argument you got into with?
--Alyssa, I'm sure

Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
--no

What's one good thing about your best friend?
--I "own" her until she's 18!

How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
--awhile, usually

Current song on myspace?
--I have several

When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
--no...I intentionally put it across the room so I'd have no choice but to get up

If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
--um....I guess....

What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
--nothing, really...I'm still hoping I have something TO look forward to

It's midnight. Who are you texting?
--no one

It's Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually?
--same place I am any other day

Your Christmas list consists of?
--really? We're already talking about Christmas???

You're going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first?
--why would I go to New York for school shopping???

You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
--hmmm...I really don't know...

How do you feel about your hair?
--it needs to be cut again

What movie is in your DVD player?
--I'm pretty sure there isn't one

If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
--anywhere!!

How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
--to a point, sure

What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
um.....

How many TRUE best friends do you have?
--not many

What would you change about your life right now?
--OMG!! You have NO idea!!!

What’s the best feeling in the world?
--don't know...haven't had it yet! ;)

Insomnia.....

2009-05-25T01:36:00.002-05:00

It seems I do my best thinking at night...LATE at night. I'm not sure why that is, unless it's because that's when my daughter is asleep and there are fewer distractions. I tend to get lost in my thoughts a lot more when it's quiet...good news is, that makes me no different from anyone else! A person might ask me what it is that I think about when I'm basically alone in the wee hours of the morning and the answer is, anything goes. As some people might have noticed from a few posts ago, sometimes I'm having one of my seemingly regular "meltdowns" at 1am...and sometimes, like tonight, I'm really just "chilaxin'", jamming to my ever-changing playlist and enjoying myself. I don't know if the depression is letting up for any particular reason...certainly wouldn't be because anything in my life is looking up...but for some reason, I feel okay, for the first time in a long time. Now, this is likely to change at any point this week, because sooner or later, everyone will learn what a huge mess I've made of my life...but until then, I'm good. My friends know me as someone who doesn't tell a lot of blatant lies, but here lately, very few know the entire truth! This doesn't mean that you should ASK me, because I likely won't tell--it's not really my secret to tell.

All I know is, I'm SO tired of crying about it. I'm, by nature, not a crier. I think I got all my crying out at an early age and, up until recently, was almost immune to emotion. I suppose it could be good that I'm able to "feel" more, but mostly it sucks. Because I so very seldom get to feel happiness...true happiness. All I really get to feel is disgust and regret. I don't look in the mirror and see someone to be proud of. I see the person my grandparents have long said I was...a loser who my parents would be ashamed of. Now, deep down somewhere, I might venture to believe that it's not true, but how am I supposed to feel different when the very people who tell me they love me every time we get off the phone are the ones saying it?? I mean, what's true? Do they love me or am I a loser?? Can it even be both?? What would it be saying about them if they professed to "love a loser"? Sure, there are things could have done differently, but I'll eventually get it all figured out, right? I just need to surround myself with people and things that make me feel useful and worth the oxygen I require. There are few people in the world that I completely trust and that list gets smaller with every passing day. I have friends who haven't been there for me when I've needed them and friends who have. I have friends who make me feel better and those who basically ignore me.

I miss me. I miss the girl who could just take off and go to the mall and come back with some material possession to fill whatever void that was causing her pain on that particular day. I miss the girl who would crank up the iPod and dance ridiculously around the house and giving her daughter impromptu "concerts" into a hairbrush. I miss the girl who would, on a whim, get in the kitchen and bake a cake to decorate for whatever holiday was coming up. I know I haven't been myself in probably 6 months (at least) and I'm ready to find me again. I'm just not sure when that can happen. I don't know if praying can help me now, but I'm willing to try anything at this point, before I lose my mind!!

Thursday Thirteen

2009-05-21T16:39:00.006-05:00

So, since I'm still reeling from last night's American Idol finale, I decided to think about this season and past seasons and make my "Thursday Thirteen" comeback post all about AI. So, here, in random order (for the most part) are MY "Thirteen Favorite American Idol contestants EVER!

1. Constantine Maroulis--One of only two, really, that I liked from the beginning. They showed him leaving his band and he just kinda "stuck" with me. It helped that he was easy on the eyes! He eye-raped me many times that season...right through my TV!

2. Danny Gokey--this is the other one I found myself drawn to from the beginning. There's just some "nice guy" quality going on here that kinda reeled me in. Sure, I admit that my attention was at first caught by his tragic story, but, being as I have a tragic story of my own, had he not had the chops to keep my interest after the story-telling ended, he wouldn't be on this list....he's awesome, trust me!

3. Adam Lambert--flamboyant as he is, I can't help but like him. He's original and would be tons of fun to watch onstage...a true "performer". He was my second choice for season 8's winner, behind Danny. I still can't believe they both got beat...what's this world coming to??

4. David Cook--another talented guy and first time since Kelly Clarkson that I picked the winner! I love a guy who isn't afraid to cry on national TV....and I'm not being sarcastic here!

5. David Archuleta--last year, it made very little difference to me who won, because I liked them both. "Archie" was just so cute! I just wish his stage dad would have played a smaller role.

6. Chris Daughtry--another "should have won" situation. I suppose it worked out well for him, since he did WAY better than that "what's-his-name" guy who won that year.

7. Ace Young--he just reminded me so much of Constantine! I knew he'd never win it, because he just wasn't that good, but I rooted anyway!

8. Bo Bice--once Constantine was eliminated in 6th place, marking the first time I was genuinely pissed at the American Idol voting public, I pulled hard for Bo...cause it needed to be an old rocker, in my opinion! Oh well.

9. Jon Peter Lewis--the "pen salesman" didn't stand a chance beating Diana Degarmo, but he was just so darn likable! His "Little Less Conversation" dance is something I still YouTube when I need to be uplifted...

10. Brooke White--she was "real" and she was human. My heart almost bled for her that time (or two) she forgot her words and had to restart her song on national TV. I couldn't help but love her, anyway!

11. Nikki McKibben--this girl really wasn't good, but I had to admire the fact that she took 3rd place over Tamyra Gray! And, she took a lot of flack from Simon in the process.

12. Jason Castro--it was fun to see the dazed look in his eyes...although he kinda got me jonesin' for a doobie sometimes.....*for the record, I'm totally kidding there....I'm really not a pothead! :) )

13. Kelly Clarkson--I sat on my pregnant hiney and watched her win the very first American Idol title and I don't think anyone before, or since, who has won has deserved it more!

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Well, I'll Be Damned!

2009-05-20T22:32:00.002-05:00

Kris won...imagine that....I'm not even sure how I feel about that. I mean, part of me is amazed because he was SUCH a dark horse. Part of me can't help but be proud of him because he came back and beat not one, but BOTH front runners in the competition! I was shocked enough when he edged Danny out...but then for him to come up and beat ADAM??? Adam was "unbeatable" (so I thought)! I'm honestly not sure that America got this right. I think we've just crowned another Taylor Hicks...someone who captured hearts, for whatever reason, but doesn't have the chops to really make anything of himself. For his sake, I hope I'm wrong...but I don't see him being a big seller. I WILL, however, own Adam and Danny's CDs when they come out! ;)

My Daughter

2009-05-20T18:01:00.002-05:00

Her full name is: Alyssa Frances Williamson

Her birthday is: October 3, 2002

Her astrological sign is: Libra, I believe

She was born in: Flowood, MS

I pushed for: roughly 40 minutes

Labor with my daughter lasted: about 4 hours

She weighed: 8lbs. 9 oz.

Her hair was: light

She looks more like: my sister...

Her eye color is: light blue

Her room is decorated in: it's kinda "there"

Her favorite toy is: she's currently in a doll phase

Her favorite snack/food is: anything...she's not picky

Her favorite show to watch is: hmmm...anything on Disney, really

She sleeps: all over the dang bed!!!

Her mommy's name is: Rebecca

Her daddy's name is: Greg

Who visited you in the hospital? all my friends

Did you have a baby shower? two, actually

Was she a planned pregnancy? HA! No!

Does she have any siblings? she has a half-brother

Do you plan to give her more siblings? no plans at the moment

Is she a mommy's girl or daddy's girl? hard to tell

Did you breast feed? I did

Milestones

What was her 1st word? "Mama"
When did she 1st roll over? I don't remember...5 months, maybe?
When did she 1st sit up? August 12, 2003 at exactly 11:02am...are you kidding?? I don't remember!!
When did she start walking? Thanksgiving day, 2003...that one I DO remember!

Wow!

2009-05-16T11:31:00.003-05:00

That breakdown was harsh. Sorry bout that! Good news is, I feel better now! Again, nothing has changed in my life...and I'm beginning to doubt that it ever will, but at least I'm not wallowing in self pity...today.

So, I might have said some things in my "moment" that are misleading. First of all, I DO believe in God. I DO know that He hasn't left me, even when it feels like it. I don't pretend to know all of the answers, but I know that if anyone has "left", it would be me, not Him. I do sometimes question God, but, despite what one might concur from reading my previous post, I'm not angry at God for the deaths of my parents. I admit that I don't understand it, but anger, at this point, would be futile.

Headed For A Break-Down

2009-05-13T01:02:00.007-05:00

It's currently 1:00am here in the "middle of nowhere, Louisiana" and I'm still basically wide awake. Now, don't misunderstand. I'm not alert and awake. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted. I'd LOVE to go to sleep right now. But, as soon as my head hits the pillow, my eyes pop open. I know this, because I've already tried it. Sitting up at the computer, I'm doing good to keep them open, but that will change as soon as I lie down. I know that it's because I have so much crap going on in my head and I can't seem to sort it all out. My pastor would say that this would be the best time to talk to God, but I can't even concentrate long enough to do that! My mind zooms around ninety-to-nothing pretty much all day long and I can't make it stop racing long enough to enjoy the world around me. I need some meditation. I need to stop and sit down and really put my life into perspective. I feel better when I'm able to do that.

I want to be a better person. I want to tune in more to the people around me and less to myself. I want to be able to take care of my daughter the way she deserves. I just want a touch of "normalcy" going on. I know what I want. I have a very clear image of who I am and who I want to become. I just haven't yet figured out the steps it'll take to get there. I pretty much know that it'll take some "divine intervention" to make it all happen and I pray that that'll happen, but I just don't know anymore. I've prayed, I've begged, I've cried (literally and figuratively)...I'm not sure what else I can do or how much more sincere I can possibly be. I don't know if I've committed some unforgivable sin and that's why I feel so ignored or what...I just know that it's taking all the strength in me to even care anymore. Pretty soon, that'll give out, too, and what happens then? Does my daughter become a carbon copy of myself--left behind by her parents, through no fault of their own, to grow into a bitter, negative, lonely woman who is more like a child than an adult, crying out for love and acceptance that she somehow missed through not having parents? The very LAST thing I want for my daughter is for her to ever have to feel like I do--like she's been abandoned by the people who were supposed to take care of her until she was at least old enough to take care of herself. Every parent knows the love they have for their child or children. What happens to that child when she loses that unconditional love? Well, I'll tell you what happens. She becomes angry at the world. She's angry at God for taking the truest form of love she'll ever be privileged to have. There's not a soul in this world who loves a person the way their parents do. Not grandparents, not siblings, not aunts or uncles...no one! Even my daughter loves me NOW, but that love will change. Not that she'll love me any less when she gets older, but it'll be different. Right now, I'm ALL she has. Sooner or later, her love will be divided between me and some boy who isn't good enough for her. Then, it will be divided further when she has children of her own. She'll always love me, I'm sure, but not in the same, unchanging way that my parents would have and certainly not in the way that I'll always love her. A parent's love never changes. The kids are "it". There's nothing else to divide our love with after that. What they have is what they have, period. At least that's how I look at it. Not that I'd know, because I'll never get to be the object of love like that. I was, at one time, but it was so long ago that I can no longer remember it. I only get to imagine the way my mother felt about me. I don't want my daughter to wind up like me. I don't want her to know loss like I have. I don't want her to have to wonder what kind of grandparents her parents would have made. I don't want her to be reduced to simply "feeling their presence" as she gets ready for prom, or at her high school graduation, or at her wedding or the day her first child is born. I want her to be able to come to her mother when the mean kids at school are picking on her because she's wearing glasses or braces or because she's fat or because she has horrible skin (not that I want any of those things to happen to HER, but they sure happened to ME!) I want her to have something that I'll never have...the opportunity to come out of the hospital delivery room, holding her own baby, and say "Thank you" to the parents who felt the same way about her that she now feels about her baby.

Sure, I believe that my parents "know how I feel" and they're "looking down on me" or whatever else it is that people say to lessen my pain...but it's just simply NOT good enough. I was a young mother with questions...I'm proud to say that most of them, I figured out on my own...but why did I have to do that? Why are there mothers out there who will KILL their children and MY loving mother had to die? There are fathers who run off and leave their children and never pay a lick of child support or have anything to do with them and, yet, my devoted, hardworking father had to die. It's cruel and it pisses me off beyond belief!! I'll admit that God and I have been on the "outs" plenty of times in my 30 years because of that. I'm not an atheist. I very much believe there is a God. There's no doubt in my mind, whatsoever. I believe that He's up there and I believe that He sees what I'm going through. However, I struggle constantly with whether or not He cares about what He sees. I hurt, every day of my life, for one reason or another. If it's not my parents, it's some other struggle that He knows about. I will never understand how He can just sit idly by and watch me fall apart. Again, I've prayed, cried and begged...I've done, what I thought was, exactly what the Bible told me to do if I needed help...but, oddly enough, that "help" never came. So, where is my God???? He's up there, I have faith in that...but why does He just let me hurt? Why has my pain NOT stopped since I was 10 years old?? That's 20 years of suffering I've endured.

I have a beautiful daughter. I'm not ungrateful for that. She was what I call a "blessing in disguise". She was something I got that I didn't know I wanted. The truth is, I needed her. I know this, because there have been plenty of times since Alyssa was born in 2002, that, if I didn't have her, I would have just given up. Yes, I recognize that she is a gift from God....something to keep me going in the midst of my hurt...and I'm appreciative of that. She's beautiful, she's healthy, she's smart, she's well behaved, for the most part. She's a perfectly "normal" kid. It's my strong desire to keep her from my pain that is making me crazy!! My instincts constantly tell me to give up...but I can't, for her sake. I had a great mom and I want her to have one, too! It's just hard for me to know how to do that because my role model was taken away from me.

There aren't too many days that go by that I don't wonder what they'd be like. My mother would be 52 years old now...I haven't seen her since she was 32. My father would be turning 57 next month...he was 43 when I saw him last. I'm the spitting image of my mother, but, after my 32nd birthday, I'll no longer know what that means for me. I wonder every day how much grayer my father's hair would be or if my mother would have gotten the "middle age spread" (that would be good info to have for later). More importantly, I wonder if they'd be proud of me. I'm quite sure they wouldn't be, at this moment. I've made a TON of mistakes. But, most of them were mistakes that, most likely, I never would have been in a position to make, had they just been here. I like to think they'd be proud of me anyway, and I KNOW they'd be proud of their granddaughter. But, it really doesn't help any to "know" that. I'm still angry because they can't come to her birthday parties and her grandma can't make her any cute clothes and her grandpa can't take her on her first Harley ride.

I'm not in constant grief. It only really hurts when I think too hard about it. It doesn't even bother me to TALK about, in most cases. As long as I just talk and detach myself and forget how it FELT to hear my daddy say that "God needed a new angel and took Mom up to be with Him"...or how it FELT to have my phone ring early on a Saturday morning to be told that my father had been in an accident...or how it FELT to have his best friend come out of the hospital and tell me that he didn't make it. The sense of total aloneness that I felt at that moment is something that is still raw today.

My life was thrown a blow on January 5, 1990, when "God needed an angel", or whatever His motivation was. But, it all but ended on November 4, 1995, when He took away the last unconditional love I'll ever know. I still have a million unanswered questions and I'll probably never know exactly what happened in that room at Baptist hospital in 1990, or exactly what happened on Pine Springs Road in the wee hours of that November day. I'll never know if they were at peace with what was happening to them or if they were terrified of what would happen to my sister and me. I might not ever know how much they suffered and I suppose I should be grateful for that. And, I suppose I should be grateful that, unlike some people, I'll never have to wonder if they loved me. I KNOW they did! But, oddly enough, that doesn't help. That actually makes it worse, believe it or not. If I was an abused child, then their deaths might have come as a sweet release to me. But, I was very loved and treasured and, to lose the only people who will ever truly look at me that way, is a devastating tragedy from which I'll likely never recover.

It's almost 2am now and I'm totally rambling and I realize this. And, I also realize that, in the morning, I'll re-read this and it might not even stay on this blog. It likely won't make any sense, to be honest. In fact, I'm almost certain of that. I'm just tired of struggling. In one way or another, my entire life has been a constant struggle and I'm just ready for it to end (the struggle...not my life). I just want a few moments of peace. Maybe I had them already and just didn't notice. I don't know for sure. I just know that I hurt, almost constantly, and, if I have to be committed at any point, I want everyone to understand why!

**Update**
Yep...went back and re-read...and I'm happy to report that I'm feeling a bit better! :) These outbursts aren't unusual for me. Anyone who has lost someone close to them knows that it's a pain that you never get over. Time helps, and I've had YEARS, but it never completely stops hurting. I have moments when I still don't understand and moments when I still feel like I'm going through this life completely by myself, but deep down inside, I know better. They're always with me, not necessarily in that "they're watching over you" kind of way, but they're with me whenever I truly need them to be. I have my memories and I always feel closer to them when I'm telling my daughter about them. I want her to feel like she knew them and my next child (if I have one) will be named after one or both of them!

Now, having said that, I'm signing off to play with my 6 year old, who, as I type is reading over my shoulder and trying to give me "wet willies"! :)

Forgive Me

2009-05-08T07:50:00.002-05:00

My attitude has been terrible lately. It's just that I'm currently living in HELL and seeing no way out! Mistakes have been made and I just need a wireless alarm or something to zap some sense into me the next time I'm about to do something I know better than to do. From now on, my motto is "trust no one". Come to think of it, that's pretty much always been my motto...but I let my guard down...and here I am, in the deep pits of hell. I've all but lost my faith in a higher power...if there is one, He must certainly be enjoying my suffering or else He'd consider delivering me from it. However, those of you who believe and pray (and for the record, I continue to pray....it's just not working, so I have very little faith in it at this point), you might want to pray that I don't hit rock bottom and blow my brains out. I'm kidding about that part...wouldn't do that...but that's beside the point!

Whatever

2009-05-08T07:47:00.003-05:00

It's easy for me to think about the things I would like to have, now that I don't have the means or the space for them. I keep thinking that, one day, I'll have them again, but so far, so disappointing. I'm not sure how to go about getting all of the things I want, like Lasik surgery, a new plasma TV with a plasma tv mount, a new SUV, etc., but I will. At least I hope I can. I'd settle for the SUV, really...I'm not picky!

Yeah, So??

2009-05-08T07:42:00.002-05:00

So the last few days have been pretty rough for me. I turned 30 on Wednesday, which, in itself, isn't a bad thing. But, when I analyze and take stock of what I have and how secure I feel at 30, it makes me want to die!! I'm better than this!!

So, what did I do? I ate tons and tons of cake and ice cream to numb the pain. Now I'm going to need Stimerex ES or something just to take off the extra pounds. I'll need those off just in case I EVER get back to a place where I'm proud to be me. Right now, I'm just ashamed of myself and if anyone wants a kid and can take care of her and raise her to be better than me (which gives you a lot of space to work), let me know!

Commercials

2009-05-04T20:56:00.002-05:00

I don't have a lot to say about a lot of things, but I LOVE commercials!! My favorite is the Cheerios one where the guy is a victim of "foot-in-mouth disease" while reading the box to his wife. I despise, however, "Smiling Bob" and the other Extenze commercials...TMI, if you ask me! But, it's nice to know that if you have a case of mesothelioma, whatever that is, you can find the proper legal channels to receive fair compensation! Commercials are about the only reason I bother watching TV nowadays! The shows just aren't that great anymore.

Getting Back On Track

2009-05-04T20:51:00.002-05:00

I will be 30 years old in less than 48 hours and I feel the need to gain better control of my life. Things could look up for me pretty soon (and I realize I've said that before). I'm just ready for a break. I want to lose the kid (temporarily, of course...and only to a trusted babysitter) and go on a beach trip or something...only after I've indulged in weight loss pills and shed 10-15 pounds!! I also want to keep my nails done, my hair dyed and all the other things that will make me feel young and beautiful. Naturally, there are other things that come first, but eventually, I'll get there!

On Second Thought....

2009-04-21T23:21:00.002-05:00

Perhaps an appetite suppressant would serve me better than a "fat burner". I realized this as I sat here, at almost midnight, craving a fattening snack. I would be MUCH easier to just prevent the fat in the first place, rather than have to worry about getting rid of fat once I've succumbed to a midnight snack, wouldn't it? Either way, I just want to get back in shape and feel better about myself. This will ultimately take more than just a physical change. It will also take making mental changes and situation changes. I just can't do it alone!

Really?? I Had NO Idea!!

2009-04-21T23:20:00.000-05:00

You Live a Boring Life

You aren't necessarily a boring person, but you've fallen into living a pretty boring life.

Somehow you've gotten yourself stuck in a rut, and life just isn't that interesting anymore.

You need to start acting and stop thinking so much. Just go for it, and don't let yourself come up with excuses.

The only way to make life less boring is to start living it. Let go of your hang ups. Go out and have an adventure!

Is Your Life Boring?

Creeping Up

2009-04-21T23:15:00.002-05:00

Most people close to me are aware that my 30th birthday is right around the corner. While I don't really dread this day (at least not any more than I dread any day these days), I'm not looking forward to all the physical changes that will come with my third decade. For instance, I've noticed a few more gray hairs and a lot more weight gain. In fact, I was thinking, just today, about how I need to get online and find a liporexall review to see if that might be a viable solution to my problem. Perhaps when I'm done blogging, I'll do just that! Until then, I should just embrace my thirties and be glad that I made it this far...and look forward to 40!

I Don't Get It

2009-04-21T23:10:00.002-05:00

I guess I'm not as socially savvy as I like to think I am. I just don't get this whole "Twitter" thing. I have an account. I've been on the site. I just don't think it's all that! Why have a "mini-blog" when you can have a full size blog? It just doesn't make sense to me, but all the celebs are even doing it now. In fact, I read somewhere that Demi Moore "twitters" and her ID on there is "MrsKutcher". Really?!?!?! Call me cynical, but that seems almost as juvenile as doodling "I Love (insert current crush's name here)" all over our notebooks in junior high...but I digress. My point is, I don't see what the big deal is about Twitter...someone enlighten me?

Summer Is Comin'

2009-03-24T13:28:00.002-05:00

Okay, so it'll be awhile, since the first day of spring was just last week. But, it's one thing I can look forward to that I KNOW is coming soon! I'm anxious for my little girl to be home with me every day and not have to get up early to go to school! I'm hoping, maybe, we can get her some pool toys and head to the beach...or at least the YMCA!! I'd like to put her in swimming lessons this summer, so she won't be like her mom--almost 30 years old and afraid of water above her head!! Or maybe we can go to Disney World...okay, so Disney is probably out for this year...but I can always hope, huh?

Either way, summer will be here before we know it! I'm not much for the heat, but I enjoy all the other summer activities...the backyard barbeques, the fireworks on the 4th of July, going outside and eating ice cream or popsicles, taking Alyssa to Vacation Bible School, etc. Fun times!

Keep What Faith??

2009-03-24T13:22:00.002-05:00

I have been trying so hard to keep my faith in God through all the mess that my life has gotten into. It's just so hard. Everywhere I go, every channel I turn to, all my friends...they're all saying "You're in my prayers" or "Keep praying--it works!" I'm trying to have faith in that, but it's not easy. Sure, I see God working in the lives of others and I certainly believe that He's up there, in control, but I'm just getting frustrated and tired of waiting. The fact that prayers seems to get some people through and things just get worse for me despite my prayers makes me wonder if it's me. Is there some special way to pray that I don't know about? Why do some believe so strongly in the power of prayer and then there are people, like myself, who WANT so much to believe in it but never seem to see their prayers yield any results. I know, I know..."God works in His time". I know that, I really do. I'm just so tired! I feel certain it will be my turn soon, but it's hard to have confidence in that! Until then, maybe I'll browse around online for some netbooks that might help me gain a new perspective.

Can Only Go Up From Here

2009-03-14T16:09:00.004-05:00

I'm hoping that a positive outlook will invite change into my life. We're so close and yet so far away from normalcy. I'm ready to go shopping again. I'd much rather look for sd memory cards than stare at four walls! Of course, there are things that would have to come first, but eventually, I want everything to get back where it belongs, including me! I keep wishing and hoping and dreaming and praying and I know that, one day, hopefully soon, it'll pay off. I'm seeing God work in the lives of the people around me and I know it's only a matter of time before it's my turn!

Bored!!

2009-03-07T16:02:00.001-06:00

I absolutely hate being bored! I'd give anything for the means to entertain myself and my daughter. She's such a sweet little girl and I hate like hell that she's having to suffer along with so many others in this country right now! My prayers are with any families in crisis. I'm ready for Obama to make good on a promise or two and fix this crap!

Fear and Loathing

2009-03-05T11:28:00.003-06:00

I'm not sure what to think about this economic turmoil our country is in. I'll bet there are a lot of people who still aren't feeling it, but I know I am! It's scary that we have no idea when or how it's going to end. There are still some people and companies who are prospering, even in the face of this disaster. Somewhere out there, there are still places who manage to sell surplus electronics and overpriced coffee (although, I hear that Starbucks was a casualty). I will admit that I was hardly Obama's biggest supporter, but if he can fix this, I will promise him my vote in 2012....just don't tell my family! :)

It's About Time

2009-03-05T11:24:00.004-06:00

After years and years of not having any, I'm finally almost staring health insurance in the face. I had called and gotten a few insurance quotes a whlle back, but things happened and we weren't in a position to pay for it. Well, now that my husband is almost employed (cross your fingers and pray), we're almost a family of insured people!! However, the good news is, if the job thing doesn't come through soon, I can at least get my daughter taken care of through a program called LaChip. I'm not one to sponge of the government, but I'm a taxpayer and I'll do what I have to do, at least temporarily, until we can get company insurance!

How Goes The Search?

2009-03-05T11:18:00.002-06:00

To answer that question, it goes! For those who don't know, I'm searching for a new job. Well, to be honest, my husband and I are both searching. You'd think that a sales job search would be going better than it is, but with the stinky economy, it's not that easy anymore. Luckily, he has a prospect that isn't sales oriented that we're hoping comes through soon, but I still think that would be a waste of talent, as he is a natural born salesman. But, perhaps when (or IF) the economy picks back up, he can find employment in his true calling!

The Future

2009-02-09T21:57:00.002-06:00

I admit it...I'm scared of what the future holds. You might even call it petrified. My current is so bad, I'm just really afraid of what lies ahead. Mainly just because I don't know what to expect. Will it get better or will it get worse? Will I be able to get my husband an IWC Chrono watch for his birthday or will we have to skip our holidays like last year? I'm just ready to things to get good again. Deep down, I know it will. It's just hard to have faith sometimes when it seems like EVERYONE is in the same difficult situation.

For A Change of Pace

2009-02-09T21:52:00.002-06:00

I enjoy spending time at friends' houses. It offers a change of scenery and a break from the norm. It's fun to experience what is "normal" to others. Some might think nothing of watching a projection TV, while sitting in home theater chairs, after having a bath in a whirlpool tub, etc. I, on the other hand, think it's pretty awesome. I realize that this makes no sense to most, but it does to me and this IS the "stuff I think", after all!

Dream A Little Dream....

2009-02-09T21:48:00.002-06:00

In our current economic crisis, they're saying that now is the best time to buy a house....what?? Seriously, though, if you have a steady, secure job, etc., then the prices are amazing! I can only dream of being a home owner at this point, but it's a fun dream to have. I enjoy browsing all of the interior decorating sites and pretending to pick out curtains and Hansgrohe faucets to go in my dream house. One day, this crisis will end, and when it does, perhaps I can turn my distant dream into a reachable reality.

I'm Opting for Optimism

2009-02-06T13:55:00.004-06:00

It's hard, at this point, to see the forest for the trees. We're still in "crisis mode" and I don't know what to do about it. My main thought, obviously, is for my daughter, and how badly I do NOT want this to adversely affect her any more than it already has. My 6 year old should not have to give up all her happiness and security though no fault of her own. I'm not sure WHAT to do, but I know that something has to be done yesterday!

Cross Your Fingers

2009-01-16T12:42:00.001-06:00

Things *might* be about to look up for my family. There's a 99% certainty that my husband has this new job and, with that will come improvement! While I'm not just "thrilled" about the idea of being a single mom for 7 day (or longer) intervals, I know it's for the good of our family and that's worth the sacrifice! Keep us in your prayers that we're finally nearing the end of our suffering and we can move past the bad choices we've made and get our lives back to normal!!

My New Lease

2009-01-08T17:16:00.001-06:00

I was raised in a Christian atmosphere. My parents sent me to a Christian elementary school and took me to church. But somewhere along the way, I fell. I lost sight and faith. My life, as a result, has suffered. Nothing has gone "my way" in a long time and I suddenly realized that that was the problem!! Nothing was going "my way" because it was going God's way! We all face trials and tribulations, even the most devout of Christians, but our response to those trials is the true test of our faith. We have to believe that He never leaves us, even when we feel abandoned. If we feel alone, it's because WE left...not God!! Well, I'm back and I'm proud to be a member of God's team!! Please pray for me and my rediscovered path of faith!!